Feel unloved

[Itscomplicated123]

AIBU - My DH is not overly affectionate in general, hes always been like this 20 year relationship, low sex drive, hates being touched/cuddling etc. We genuinely think he may be slightly on spectrum as he has issues socialising, slight sensory problems etc. Deep communication is a real issue. On surface we laugh every day, have loads of family time, care about each other, have two children, he helps around the house most of the time.

However I feel I need more, currently on holiday in spain and I booked the kids into kids club, they always say they dont want to go (shy) but always have a great time, its just a couple of hours for me and DH to chill and spend time together. However today he said he feels tight and doesnt want them to go ... to me its really upset me as iv voiced all week that a few hours together here and there would make me happy, am I being selfish to expect him to put me first for once? I know family holidays with kids are so child focused but im not getting anything I need from this relationship, it feels the same at home he never organises for us to spend time together or suggests date nights etc.

Think I just needed to vent today 😪

@Itscomplicated123 what does your Hubby like to do? Walking?, Reading? Lazing by the pool?
Maybe he's just having an off day.
I'm quite an introvert but my OH is the opposite.

@Itscomplicated123 and No you're definitely not selfish for wanting alone time.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday.

You were a Coke before parents so no I don't tbink it is unreasonable to want time for just you teo.it sounds thst yhis is not a priority for him. Not bring critical. Is it possible he might have felt pressured to have sex? It sounds as if u are poles apart in the affection stakes OP. Understand and sympathise

Couple not Coke. Sorry

No advice really, but just solidarity! My DH is exactly the same. He's so focused on being a great dad, which is obviously wonderful, but it's like he's forgotten we existed as a couple for years and years before becoming parents. Whenever grandparents offer to babysit so we can have an evening out together, he very much doesn't want to do anything for fear of the children missing out. On these occasions, I try to suggest doing things and going places the kids wouldn't enjoy anyway, as to make it feel more about me and him, but he shows little to no interest. No affection towards me, very low sex drive, doesn't make me feel attractive or loved at all. We almost split up a couple of years ago, as I just got overwhelmed, and I couldn't handle feeling so miserable and unloved, and he got absolutely furious. Reminded me how much he does for us, how hard he works, and said I take all that for granted and it's never good enough. So, since then, I've just shut up and put up. But I'm not happy, and not sure I ever will be in this relationship, as I don't feel we give eachother what we both need. Sorry, no advice really, unless your DH is more open than mine to a conversation about your wants and needs, and takes you seriously when you say you're not happy. He needs to understand that you can't just "give up" that part of you, and being a united couple, and makes for better parents and overall family happiness. As I said, mine didn't want to know when I broached the conversation, and I don't really know where to go from here, but best of luck to you. I know how truly rubbish it is to feel so unwanted and undervalued as a wife and a partner. No one wants to feel like they're "just mum". X

I think your problem may be that he doesn't really want the pressure(?) of the couple time and wants the children around as a shield.

Where you feel the void in the relationship is where he can't really meet your emotional needs.

It's not selfish to want him to try or to want it in a relationship, but I'm not sure he's capable.

OP behavior is a language and what I mean by that is that he is speaking to you loud and clear in the way he behaves. If he is on the spectrum then this is a typical behavior he will not be able to change, ever.

if you need more, and you have voiced this with him, and nothing has changed, its not going to after 20 years is it?

If he is on the spectrum then its a challenge in it self. For him and everyone.