ExH angry outbursts in front of kids

[Amie2020]

My exh and I are currently in middle of drawn out bitter divorce. 3 DC 17, 15 and 13. He has been difficult throughout to put it mildly. Yesterday he lost his temper when I dropped kids off to his over a small non issue. Children told me he was very angry and called me a fu€k!ng b!tch after I dropped them off. He called me and shouted abuse over the phone also which they overhead. Needless to say they were all very upset at this. It is not the first time this has happened. Has anyone advise on how I can manage this or what I can do to minimise impact on children. Not sure what I’m looking for here. Access has been agreed through courts already and kids are ok with it. However this is a side of their dad that they do not like and I feel powerless to protect them from this. I have asked him through email to deal with his anger issues but he has thrown it back at me saying all my fault. So am at a loss as to what I can do if anything.

You can't control him, but perhaps ask someone - a mutual friend or family member to discuss with him the lasting damage on the children. I am in my 40s and remember some of these things from childhood and it's very unpleasant.

Also, speak to your children. Explain it to them and make them feel safe.

You can’t do anything about his behaviour. But you can prevent him having access to you. Drop the children round the corner. Don’t answer calls from him and don’t communicate with him in any way. Your kids are old enough that you don’t need to communicate with him.

If he leaves abusive messages, report him to the police.

The children will resent him for this and he is at risk of losing them. They aren't going to keep visiting if he's angry and awful to you. He is trying to make you look like the bad person. Emotional abuse.

@Amie2020 just wanted to post here in mini solidarity. My case is in no way as bad as yours but my ex also has anger issues and my children don't like it. I just don't think you can change these people and children quickly realise they don't want to spend as much time with them. My children are 5 and 6 and even though they love their dad, they just don't enjoy spending time with him as he and his long term partner argue and they know how my ex is.

I had this at the start of the separation. I would just hang up and block.

Then a short email to say you won’t be shouted at, and that him denigrating you in front of the children upsets them but is water off a ducks back to you..

It will be to do with his dating profile, and success or lack of it on Tinder.

Grey rock is your friend here. Have a read up, take all emotions out of it and make any conversation just about kids/logistics. Blank the rest. No emotional responses from you.

If there is someone close to him that you trust you could have a word about the DC, but honestly he may find out it came from you and I'm not sure how that would play out.

Your grey rocking him will hopefully change is behavioural reactions to you which sounds like the root of the issue.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know he is agitated because our divorce is coming to a head after 5 years of him stalling, withholding info and using any delay tactics to impede the process. As it stands he has full financial control of all assets which is another story and he thinks I am entitled to nothing. He himself has a new partner in years so it really beggars belief that he is still like this. I have talked to the children about his anger and at the same time I’m trying to not put them in the middle of this by giving out about him. It is a balancing act that I don’t always get right. He is not the type that will listen to anyone or take advise off anyone unfortunately and tbh I don’t know anyone brave enough to give it a try.