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Original poster

Children not keen on seeing dad

12 replies

LadybirdHere · 01/09/2023 22:39

Backstory here, ex and I split when children were babies due to his alcoholism and abusive nature. He then started seeing someone and although volatile, they have been together several years now and seem fine. He has also been sober for a few years too. He and I are amicable.

However he has a short fuse and the children say that he and his partner row a lot and it upsets the children. Tbh due to his behaviour, I don't actively encourage him having the children for any length of time so could be one weekend a month or even less. He speaks to them every day.

They are now showing signs that they don't want to see him much at all. I've said to them one weekend every six weeks or so is nothing in the scale of things. I'm not sure what I'm asking here but I guess I feel bad that they have to endure this at all, but what can I really do? I want them to enjoy going but I can understand how they feel.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/09/2023 22:55

How old are your DC now - of an age where they can make their own mind up? Perhaps a full weekend is a tad long for them in an awkward environment, occasional overnight may be better?

Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 22:58

Their ages will very much be the factor in this. Age 4 and 6... you'd essentially have to try everything you can to encourage them to see him.. ages 11 + ...they can speak for themselves.

Original poster
LadybirdHere · 01/09/2023 22:58

@Opentooffers just 5 and 6 years old. Due to distance etc, it's just a weekend every six weeks really. When they come back, they are fine. Then I think they start thinking about it and tell me how the pair were shouting etc and I think they get apprehensive about going again.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadybirdHere · 01/09/2023 23:00

@Whattodo112222 I definitely dont say no if he wants to have them. I guess I'm sad that they aren't that keen at such a young age

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 01/09/2023 23:05

Hmm they're still rather young then. If it went down the court route their opinions wouldn't be taken into account.

I suppose you just have to keep trying to facilitate and encourage, however if it causes them distress I certainly wouldn't force them if there is so court order in place currently.

Original poster
LadybirdHere · 01/09/2023 23:07

@Whattodo112222 no court order, its very informal tbh. I think if I took it to court given his record, I'd get the benefit here. But I want things amicable. They just don't seem to like him that much now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LadybirdHere · 01/09/2023 23:09

It's also not my place to judge their relationship as couples argue. And clearly theirs works as they are together.

OP posts:
Hopinghonestly · 02/09/2023 09:17

Id leave it as its one weekend every 6 weeks for now. I mean if you try to push ect he may fight back and then be given them more.

They might just realise how much more relaxed they feel at yours.

Its when they start vocalising it im concerned. When they activly state they dont want to go and are unhappy.
I hate this forcing kids into unhappy environments to keep the adults happy. Its basically telling them from a young age their needs dont matter and that they are not allowed boundaries.

Original poster
LadybirdHere · 04/09/2023 06:57

@Hopinghonestly they are realising how much more relaxed they are with me and my family. Don't get me wrong, they are happy to chat on the phone but less inclined to spend time with him. I know if I mention it, he will get angry anyway and deny it.

OP posts:
jallopeno · 04/09/2023 07:14

Could you suggest they go and see him for a day trip/dinner out?

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 04/09/2023 07:14

The distance won’t matter if dad goes to Court and is prepared to do the travelling. You haven’t mentioned anything that would stop him getting every other weekend if he issues proceedings.
What signs do the children show which make you believe they don’t want to see their father at all?
I think your post comes across as all about what you think. Contact should be what is in the best interests of the child. You should do everything you can to encourage their relationship with their father. I worked in this field for over 20 years.
CAFCASS may become involved in the future if dad issues court proceedings. They won’t cross examine young children. They would visit the children at their other home and see if their needs are met and how they present.
The children will follow your lead and may not wish to talk about time at dads in your presence. Although they are very young they will still pick up on your vibe.

Original poster
LadybirdHere · 04/09/2023 09:50

@Thequeenofwishfulthinking Not at all, I get on with their dad and always encourage them. Tbh they are happy to chat to him on the phone, just not that keen to see him in person. I've just let him have them as and when but he isn't always that keen because he isn't very proactive to do stuff so will only take them to family things. They have said they don't like going to daddy's because he gets angry. Delving deeper, it seems him and his partner rowing but I've explained to the children that people row and if they weren't happy, they wouldn't be together.

My ex has a police record so I know he can be very menacing/angry but I'm aware that triggers me a lot and the children won't have that trigger

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