Broken

[Waaahbaby]

this is so stupid and I wish I never felt this way. I left an abusive, narcissistic relationship just over a year ago. Things were bad for a long time and so awful that I to leave in secret with the kids. The inevitable has happened and he’s met someone else. I don’t know how they met, he doesn’t have friends and never went out. He’s been taking her for weekends away, something he never, ever did with me. Takes her to restaurants that I used to ask him to go to with me. We never went out. She uses social media a lot and I’ve looked. I need to block and not look but I can’t. I feel utterly broken. I don’t want him, I don’t miss him. I feel as if I’m finally grieving but for the life I thought I’d have. I’m so so sad.

Sending virtual hugs op. It's always a kick in the chest in these situations.

But it's very self aware of you to recgonise that this is about grieving a dream that didn't come to pass, not the relationship you actually had.

I suspect behind closed doors all is not the sunshine and roses it is portrayed as online for her. And if it is, that will change in time. And then, it is her that will envy you your escape and your freedom.

It's OK to be sad. To grieve something that didn't work out. In time you will work through this. You will find new dreams to take the place of the ones that didn't work out. You're free now afterall! The world is your oyster.
You'll get there, just be kind to yourself.

Thank you. I feel so horrible about the whole thing. I want to warn her but obviously I know that won’t go down well. I felt utterly sick to my stomach recently as I saw her several times at an event far from home. I can only assume she recognised my children. I’m back to work next week and I honestly feel like I can’t function. I’ve never felt a sadness like it even when I left, even when I knew years ago it was over.

It's normal to feel sad and grieve for what you had wanted, but this is one of those times where you have to pull it together and move forward. Your kids need you to be the best mum you can, and you won't be if you're still ruminating about this shit, horrible man.

She uses social media a lot and I’ve looked. I need to block and not look but I can’t.

Of course you can block her, you are just choosing not to because looking at her stupid crap is feeding your cycle of rumination. Block her, right now, and do what it takes to pull yourself together. It's time, op.

You’re seeing an illusion. Something that was never real. She’ll get there eventually as he won’t ever change.

So what they are doing things, do your own and stop looking backwards at a dark illusion that might even be created for your eyes.

you did the right thing and left. Don’t look back. Ever.

Thank you. I thought I was happy. Im not and I don’t know why.

It's ok to not be happy for a while. Most of us have gone through periods of our lives where we weren't happy, and we had to work through them. I can assure you, however, that any unhappiness you're dealing with is being massively exacerbated by looking at that woman's social media nonsense.

You've only recently gotten out of an abusive relationship. You need time to recalibrate.

The sad reality is that eventually she will probably end up in same situation you found yourself in and then have to start again from scratch. He won't change, pity her she probably has no idea what lies ahead.
Meanwhile concentrate on creating a better way of life for yourself, there are people out there yet to come into your life, you have endless possibilities ahead of you. Don't give them another thought,.focus on you and your children.

If he was an abusive narcissist he's probably in the phase of love-bombing her.

But you know what is to come and what's he's like at his worst. Pay no attention to her glamorous social media feed - they're well known to be based on extremely shaky foundations! It might take a while but it'll go the same way your relationship with him went.

Totally understandable that you feel sad but do remember you're free of that awful relationship and there's better men out there who you'll meet at some point.

I didn’t expect it to knock me like this. I guess part of me thought it might not happen. Thank you for the advice. Pmt not helping me today!

@Waaahbaby
You have to find happiness within you. Take control of your own life and forget about his new relationship. About e what are you going to warn the other woman? Perhaps they ate a more compatible pair. Perhaps he is unchanged. Perhaps she has different coping strategies. Whatever their situation it no longer should concern you. You do not suggest that your children are being abused or mistreated in any way by this woman.

As long as you keep reviewing and reliving the past, you will delay taking control of your present and planning for your future.

You gave that relationship enough real time, stop continuing to give it head space. What he does and makes of his new life is not your concern. As long as he is loving and supportive to his children nothing else that he does should be of concern to you.

This is a process but I promise it will pass I time. You'll probably always feel a little bit of this but it will get easier. Everyone shows their true colours eventually and I think in the meantime you should block her as you'll make yourself miserable. Do what you need to for your mental health

Are you currently in a relationship yourself or are you single ?

You're thinking if he can do all that for her, what's wrong with me..?
As others have said, what you're seeing is temporary at best. She hasn't got some special thing you don't that has 'cured' him. She isn't doing the relationship better than you to deserve this better treatment. His character will show. She's enjoying the honeymoon now, but her future with him is your past.

I was in this situation and he started messaging one of my old school friends. For 2 months he lent her money. Flirted with her and made me feel like utter c**p.

The hardest thing to process is that you did not alter his personality. You were never the reason he behaved liked he did. He had full control over himself. He won't become nice for her.

Think of his selfish self centered rubbish habits.

Mine smoked weed
Moaned constantly about people and back pain.
Snored and kept Me awake all night..
Never got me a birthday present.
Ruined our one poxy weekend away vy finding a row.

I pity the next woman who has to be on egg shells in the morning incase she disturbs him or has to wake up at 1am wondering where he is because he's off buying drugs.

It's normal to feel devastated that they get to :"be happy" and "move forward" but remember they are looking for a mother,a skivvy or an object. They are not looking for a balanced 50/50 relationship. That poor woman has all the anxiety to come. The realisations that he's a cheat, awful with money, a liar, boring, verbally abusive and selfish. If she's the woman to change that then she's welcome to him x

First of all OP well done for getting out of this toxic relationship and starting a better life with your DC.

Your feelings are natural and you need to grieve. You are grieving for the relationship you thought you had - a relationship that didn't exist. Keep telling yourself you have lost nothing and she has gained nothing.

Don't approach her, just stand back and feel sorry for her. She'll soon find out what he's like.

He hasn't changed, he's just putting on a good show to reel her in. As soon as she's hooked he'll let his true character come out.

He hasn't changed deep down, so just be glad you're out of it.

x

I am single. I’m enjoying it and don’t feel I’m looking for someone. I was seeing someone for about 5 months but recently called it off because I just didn’t have time for it!

I know for a fact he hasn’t changed, he’s still awful to most people around him. I pity her, I really do. I wouldn’t wish him upon anyone

Is there something in you if you were honest, hoping he would pine for your departure ?

I understand the loss and sadness of the future you thought you were going to have.

@RandomForest quite possibly. In all honesty I hate him so so much but I guess that could be a deep rooted thought.

You can hate and love someone at the same time.

Were you in any way escaping and punishing him by having a relationship with someone else.

It’s a really weird feeling isn’t it? You’re glad you left, you don’t want them back but it cuts to the quick to see the “happy couple” photos. It’s probably all a front — he’s live bombing her then he’ll show his true self.
Block her, don’t torture yourself. Just once a day remind yourself how awful he was to live with, then out him out of your mind. Enjoy your life that’s peaceful, stress free ( as much as life can be ) without him in it.

@RandomForest not at all. I don’t love him even slightly. I despise him and pity him. He nearly killed me, part of me died a long time ago

@Andthereyougo the weirdest feeling and I’m angry at myself about it!

@Waaahbaby
You are divorced from this man and yet you give away too much thought to him and his life. That is not helping you to build a better future for yourself and your children.

You are allowing thoughts if him to dominate parts of your life. He probably does not hate you. He probably does not think about you enough to hate you, and that is how you need to view him. He is the father of your children, but he is no longer a part of your life. Until you accept that fact, your life will stay mired in your unhappy past.

Stop looking at SM postings related to them.Stop discussing his treatment of other people. None of that concerns you any longer. As long as he treats your children well and contributes to their support, you should have no other interest in his life.

He is just a man that you once loved and with whom you had children. Whatever else you think of him, he has given you the most precious gifts in your life- your children. Be grateful for that, and move on to create a new and happy environment for yourself and your children.

Your hatred of him won't hurt him at all, but it might just destroy you.

Well I agree with not torturing yourself with his seemingly great life now.

Limit your thinking of him, imagine he's dead.