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Original poster

Buying a house with someone you are divorcing

33 replies

Whitexocolatecupcake · 01/09/2023 13:03

My relationship ended from my side for the past 5 years, no intimacy, just coparent ( 5 y/o child) and living together. He has talked me out of separating every time, used to be manipulative and verbally abusive but that's much better now. I haven't moved out because of fear of not managing on my own financially, rents are half my salary so I can't afford it. He always wanted to get a mortgage together as rents are ridiculously high, he has little chances of buying on his own as he is self employed. I didn't want because I thought that would make it even harder to separate. However, I don't think I will be able to afford separating now anyway, so I'm thinking of getting a mortgage together, hopefully being able to save a bit more and then separating in a few years when I can afford my own house. I'm thinking of having an appointment with a lawyer to check how I can do this without being more screwed financially and without bonding myself to my husband forever. I'm not too bothered about divorcing unless it can help me legally, not planning on dating for a long time anyway. My questions:

  • Is it a stupid idea? Has anyone done sometime similar
  • What are the main things to ask to a lawyer in the appointment?

Just to add, we both have separate accounts with similar amount of savings. I don't have any property, he does own a house in his country of origin, which he bought during our marriage, but he put it on his mum's name so I can't claim anything, nor do I want to! I just want for both of us to keep our savings without sharing anything.

Thanks if you read it all :)

OP posts:
Epidote · 01/09/2023 19:52

No, don't buy with him.

Mandyintheskywithdiamonds · 01/09/2023 19:54

No, no and NO again !!

LovelyBranches · 01/09/2023 20:00

Have either of you had other relationships since you split? How would you feel if you bought together and then met someone nice or if he brought home a new partner?

The house purchase in his mother’s name is a red flag of financial abuse and you sound like a meal ticket. Self employed people can get mortgages, he’ll just have to explore those options when he buys on his own.

Are you scared of leaving him and being on your own?

Original poster
Whitexocolatecupcake · 01/09/2023 20:42

No other relationships, we still live together and I don't think he has accepted the separation yet. Him bringing home a new partner? I'd love that! I fantasize about him finding a girlfriend. It would be a way to have things decided for me and to not to feel guilty because I can be reassured that he is happy. Yes I'm afraid of being without him. Not so much of being single, is more when my anxiety kicks in (very often lately) I worry about not having a man protecting the house. I know it sounds silly. I also worry about feeling even more lonely, even though I feel lonely with him. And then the financial worries I have already mentioned

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/09/2023 21:20

Jeez, it's tough being in a house alone without a man to protect - no, not really, done it mostly the past 17 years.
I reckon you are a person who has continued to have a BF for a number of years - maybe one to the next? So you don't know how to be alone. It's actually the best thing for you to do in that case, find yourself. You don't need a man to validate you.
Cheaper to split now than get entangled and have to work out other finances that he could contest at the time.
Half wage on rent? So got another half to live off, that's not an awful proportion. Or, move somewhere cheaper? There are better options than what you're proposing .

Maltaw · 01/09/2023 21:41

What sort of house could you buy? Maybe if it was big enough there might be a chance it could work for a while. You'd need separate bedrooms and living rooms. You'd probably need therapy too though.

Original poster
Whitexocolatecupcake · 01/09/2023 21:52

Opentooffers · 01/09/2023 21:20

Jeez, it's tough being in a house alone without a man to protect - no, not really, done it mostly the past 17 years.
I reckon you are a person who has continued to have a BF for a number of years - maybe one to the next? So you don't know how to be alone. It's actually the best thing for you to do in that case, find yourself. You don't need a man to validate you.
Cheaper to split now than get entangled and have to work out other finances that he could contest at the time.
Half wage on rent? So got another half to live off, that's not an awful proportion. Or, move somewhere cheaper? There are better options than what you're proposing .

Thank you, I know it's not a rational thought, I struggle with anxiety. Yes I've been in a relationship most of my life. Although I lived alone in my 20's and I was absolutely fine, I also used to travel alone a lot. But in my 30's I became a scaredy cat. Thanks for reminding me there are other options

OP posts:
Original poster
Whitexocolatecupcake · 01/09/2023 21:57

Maltaw · 01/09/2023 21:41

What sort of house could you buy? Maybe if it was big enough there might be a chance it could work for a while. You'd need separate bedrooms and living rooms. You'd probably need therapy too though.

Thank you! I have no idea as I've never done that, but we have modest salaries. We already have separate rooms, which was a great change! And if we live together anywhere else we will keep it this way. Even separate bathrooms if we can afford it. That's a good point, I'm in the process of getting therapy too

OP posts:
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