Advice from men and women please

[MrsM69]

Bit of a long one.
So myself and my OH have been together 15 years, in our late 40's and have 2 children. Always had an amazing relationship, sex at least twice a week. I love him to bits, he is my best friend. We have watched porn together in the past and I've never had a problem with him watching it on his own, occasionally. But he always said it didn't really do much for him. I slipped into a pretty dark place about 3 months ago. Was prescribed antidepressants so my libido took a hit. I then discovered he was watching porn, a lot. And by a lot I mean several times a day. When we were on a day out with the kids, on holiday, round at relatives, at work, even watching it in the toilet when we were out for a meal. This had been going on for a while. I was really upset at first, not at the watching porn but the inappropriate times and amount. I told him how it affected me given my state of mind. I told him I didn't care if he watched it now and then to sort himself out, he's a man and I'm not stupid, but this was excessive. He told me he was sorry, hated that he'd upset me so much, said it was stupid and he didn't even need to watch it and it was just habit. We moved on. Then a week or so ago I found the same. A ridiculous amount every day. I'm also 99% sure he has some sort of dating profile hidden. But I haven't confronted him about that yet. I keep telling myself it's only porn, I watch it myself every now and again, but now I feel like I don't trust him at all. I never in a million years thought he would do something to hurt me. It wasn't a big deal the first time, maybe he didn't realise how much it would upset me, but after we talked and I told him how much it affected me at this time in my life, I honestly thought he would stop. He spends all of his spare time on video games and his laptop, and I could never be the type of person to constantly monitor him. But I really can't see a way past this. I feel that's what his life revolves around and I can't believe this is what might end our marriage. But I can't see a way out of it as he has now broken my trust. I'm not stupid, I know not to compare myself and take it personally, but it's the betrayal after I told him how I felt. Im not even sure councilling would help as he lies so easily so I couldn't take him on his word.

There appears to be two issues here, your concern about the amount of time he spends viewing pornography and that you believe he has a dating profile.

What makes you think he has a dating profile?

So he had an email come through, it was on his phone so couldnt see the full email, but was titled 'lucyj has viewed your profile'
The reason I haven't confronted him is if he has been on some sort of dating site, that will definately be the end. And I think that terrifies me

Sounds like he has a porn addiction.

He says he doesn't "need" to watch it, but his actions don't correlate as he's doing so at incredibly inappropriate times. This would be described as "risky behaviour" which is part of the criteria for addiction.

It sounds like he's in denial that he has a problem, and accepting that he has a problem is the first step in dealing with it. He needs to accept he can't just watch porn casually. He needs to go cold turkey and avoid it completely.

Oh dear, that's pretty damning.

I think you need to focus on this more than the porn use. Sorry, OP.

I think you need to be brave and get some help. Your depression, loss of libido, snd estrangement within the relationship can not get better if you hide your head in the sand. I can’t suggest any particular course of action but if I were you I would tackle the porn issue first and bring up that he is using porn and the computer/gaming as ways of avoiding intimacy with you and family life generally. Just start by asking him how to re-engage as a couple.

I don't think a 3-month dip in OP's libido and her MH struggles are the big issue here. In any relationship, you will have rocky patches and dry patches - it's not a reasonable response for the other partner to dive into porn and dating sites.

He has become porn sick. His actions indicate he has become addicted like many men. Dating profiles are often part of that.

I don’t think its reasonable either! But OP doesn’t sound ready to go on the attack right away. She does not sound ready to confront her dh over the dating profile or to state firmly that she will leave him if he is cheating (or thinking of cheating).

My thinking—which I did not fully flesh out—is that if the porn/daring site issue were basically fantasy retreats from the stress of the marriage it might be possible for OP and her DH to salvage the relationship.

I advise OP to deal with her own depression first not to make life more comfortable for the DH nor to excuse his behavior but because it will be hard fir OP to make decisions and move strongly in any direction while she is depressed. She needs support outside the marriage to be able to leave or stay.

Guy opinion (as you asked for both):

If he's used to a nice amount of sex, i don't supposed it's entirely unexpected for him to offset a lower amount with porn. There's a fine line between enjoyment and addiction, and I'm not sure he's there yet.. even my best friend boasts about 5-7 times a day, which is crazy in my eyes, but I still wouldn't call that addition. Addiction is finding time at work, all-consuming, need... and three times a day just seems like he enjoys a play.

Your bigger problem is the profile view, and here I see three possibilities:

1- spam
2- ego boost (no intent, but if OP isn't interested, it's nice to know someone is)
3- actual intent

Look at all the other signs that I'm sure have been covered here a million times... turning over phone, running off, late work nights etc etc

@pikkumyy77 Fair enough - but I'm not sure how successfully you can address depression when your partner is possibly cheating.

Have you asked him about his dating profile? If you can't, you can always look for evidence.

The porn thing isn't right either, not a user of it myself but the level of what he is going to is extreme.

Might no even be a dating profile. He could be on some hookup/fetishism website. I say that because porn addicts often fall into watching heavier and heavier shit in order to recreate their initial buzz. And then may seek to recreate it in real life.

Tbh op I'd have him leave.
But if you really want to give it a last chance, he has to see a therapist that specialises in porn addiction. And you need to make it clear that any more lies or sneaking around from him and it is over.

"..then discovered he was watching porn, a lot. And by a lot I mean several times a day.
1)When we were on a day out with the kids,
2) On holiday,
3) Round at relatives,
4) At work,
5)Even watching it in the toilet when we were out for a meal. "

That ^^ sounds like a very serious problem, imagine watching porn while visiting relatives, even in the toilet at a restaurant & on days out with his children! He's lucky he's not been fired for watching it at work

He sounds like an addict as he knows very clearly how distressed you are by all the bizarre/inappropriate places where he's watching the porn but isn't stopping despite saying he would when you raised it with him about how he was doing it in inappropriate places

From the email you saw, it also looks now like he's progressed to actively looking for sexual encounters with other women= it may be a hook up for sex only site rather than a "dating" site

I guess you need to decide what you want, maybe read up about porn addiction for advice about how far gone his addiction is & find out how for sure how far he's gone regarding looking for another woman.

You may also decide these things are deal breakers without wanting to search any further. You may also wish to get an STI check.

I can't imagine anyone would want a partner who has so little self control that they have to watch porn at restaurants & while visiting relatives & while with their kids

I'm so sorry this is happening to you at a time when you're struggling with illness & need him & instead he's seeking solace in other women & not supporting you through your health problems

Absolutely its a bit of a chicken and egg situation. But OP’s depression supposedly started before she became aware of her dh’s porn addiction or infidelity. I would be very curious, if I were OP’s therapist, to explore the submerged issues that expressed themself as a depression needing medication that tanked her libido. It has to have been pretty longstanding and pretty serious to have needed meds and the medication may have papered things over. I’m not sure that it’s reasonable ti think that all was perfect up until the depression. Maybe OP has been suffering for a long time.

Oh come on pal, sitting in a restaurant toilet getting your rocks off is far, far from normal behaviour.

@LaviniasBigBloomers

I agree... but I'm trying to be optimistic. It could be a boredom thing... dome people watch look at memes while on the toilet, I presume some people watch porn. It does sound excessive though.

On the dating profile/potential infidelity you probably need bit more proof as the email on its own could plausibly be spam from all the dodgy sites he's been on. If you see anything like that again look out for name of dating/hook up site it relates to and keep an eye out for other suspicious signs

The porn addiction sounds really out of control - the risks he is carrying out in order to access it at all hours. That on its own he should be seeking help for as it is having such a detrimental affect on his life and yours too, and could spiral further out of control. I think it's more than reasonable to give an ultimatum on this before it causes more damage. Probably the first step is honesty on his part on the scale of the problem.

Why would anyone watch porn at work?! Seems like a real issue if you cant get through a day without it.

Saying that I can't even look at Bravissimo's website on my work laptop to buy myself underwear let alone porn!

Sorry, I sound like I'm picking on you but how bored can you get in a restaurant toilet? I mean, I might take my phone to the loo with me at home and watch a couple of TikToks, but watching porn and presumably masturbating in a restaurant toilet is dangerously close to a public order offence.

No, absolutely :) it does sound like an addiction, and that probably does sound like I'm backtracking, but I always try to err on best case scenario with these things before the traditional ltb! The thing is, we don't know how long he's doing it. You're doing a 'number 2', having a quick look... or all the way into a tissue sort of thing. Basically what I'm getting at (again, hugely optimistic!), is casual scrolling sort of deal or actual obsession.

Are you still having sex? you say your libidos lowered, how often we talking? speaking from experience my partner has lost her libido and we haven't had sex for virtually 6 months and i am masturbating a lot more to control my own sexual needs , usually to porn, so from that side of things i can see your partners need, its normally nothing personal and doesnt mean he doesnt desire or want you etc just a means to an end for a sexual release, however if hes just watching it 24/7 because he likes the storylines or prefers it to sex then theres an issue there, however the dating profile thing is the real worrying part, i do occasionally get complete scam emails with titles like that, possibly virsues from porn sites in all fairness, but i would definitely be asking him the question

Just want to thank you all for your advice. I think he probably does have a addiction judging by your answers. As for the email I think I'll have to ask him to open his email box in front of me then see for myself. And yes I probably need to deal with my MH issues first. And thanks for the reassurance that my MH should not be a reason for him to dive into binge watching porn on a daily basis. I think I'm just devastated at the fact this has happened, when you put your full trust into someone that they wont hurt you then they let you down it just hurts.