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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why is he like this?

23 replies

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 09:14

I am 38 and my ex is 55. We still enjoy going on walks but lately I have felt the friendship has run its course. I recently had some photos through the post of me as a child and young adult to put in an album. The photos have been lightly re-touched or whatever its called so they are brighter etc. He saw them and keeps saying they are not me and I wasn't that blonde as a child (my hair was platinum that gradually got darker over the years). He didn't even know me as a child! He keeps asking if I put filters on my pictures. I admitted that some recent camera phone ones I do just to feel a little better about myself with getting older. Its nothing major and I don't look much different. He says I look my age and should embrace it as any filter is fake etc etc. He also said I looked way prettier when I was younger and says its can't be me. It is me! He seems to enjoy putting me down. All my life people have said I am pretty, that I have a nice face and hair but this is really getting me down. I explained how it makes me feel but he just says be natural and I should grow old gracefully and so on. I don't wear much make up, mascara, concealer and pink lipstick so I'm not overly made up or anything. If we are out he stares at women who look very un natural. Is this all normal or not?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 01/09/2023 09:19

He's your ex. Presumably for a reason?

Why not just think, "God, he's a prick!" And have nothing more to do with him?

Because, yes, it's completely normal for a prick to behave like this. You just have to decide that you're not going to listen to him anymore and remove him from your life.

80s · 01/09/2023 09:22

He's jealous of your youthful looks and wants you to look as old as him.

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2023 09:23

Why are you going on walks with a sexist tosser?

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 09:26

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2023 09:23

Why are you going on walks with a sexist tosser?

To be fair, this has only just happened hence deciding to end the friendship. Just wanted to know if blokes this age are like this!

OP posts:
JapaneseSlipper · 01/09/2023 09:26

This is not “this friendship has run its course” territory. This is “cut this person off as they are actively trying to make your life worse”.

heldinadream · 01/09/2023 09:27

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2023 09:23

Why are you going on walks with a sexist tosser?

Definitely this!
He's a lot older than you OP. Sounds like he's scared that he's a boring old person and that you're about to realise you're still young and lovely and then he won't see you for dust, not even for a nice walk. Basically he's talking shite.
By the way I'm old so this post is NOT agist!

Garihairy · 01/09/2023 09:28

He seems to enjoy putting me down.

He is insecure so needs you to feel insecure to make himself feel better.

Who ended the relationship? It might be him trying to punish you if it was you.

Whatever, you're as well ending the friendship, he's not a friend.

CapEBarra · 01/09/2023 09:42

Just say to him, ‘You’re no Kate Moss yourself’. Why do you keep showing him photos of yourself and why are you so worried what he thinks you look like?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2023 09:47

Why are you tolerating this? Tell the twat to fuck off. This friendship-after-relationship experiment has failed, so tell him to suck rope.

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 09:48

CapEBarra · 01/09/2023 09:42

Just say to him, ‘You’re no Kate Moss yourself’. Why do you keep showing him photos of yourself and why are you so worried what he thinks you look like?

I don't keep showing him. I explained in the message that I had a bunch of photos through the door to put in an album. Just pleased about them and he called round at that time that's all. Its nice to share things with people you know however, I won't be showing him anymore.. I'm not worried but he keeps bringing it up and making comments.

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 01/09/2023 09:49

Why were you with someone so much older? Men like that prize you for your looks. Gross

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 09:49

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2023 09:47

Why are you tolerating this? Tell the twat to fuck off. This friendship-after-relationship experiment has failed, so tell him to suck rope.

Its only just started to be fair. Only had the photos a week ago. The friendship has failed you are correct.

OP posts:
hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 09:52

Disturbia81 · 01/09/2023 09:49

Why were you with someone so much older? Men like that prize you for your looks. Gross

It was a good relationship for a while, nothing wrong with age gap at first but its a chasm now...

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 01/09/2023 09:57

You say it's only just started but that he seems to enjoy putting you down, which implies a running theme.

I'm generally of the opinion that unless there's kids involved, it's not worth remaining friends with an ex. I feel like you're letting his comments get to you way too much.

VeridicalVagabond · 01/09/2023 10:03

Awww poor diddums is having his midlife crisis and realising he's old and boring so trying to make you feel shit for still being young and pretty.

Let him know you'll worry about aging gracefully when you reach his age and are actually old.

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 10:07

yellowsmileyface · 01/09/2023 09:57

You say it's only just started but that he seems to enjoy putting you down, which implies a running theme.

I'm generally of the opinion that unless there's kids involved, it's not worth remaining friends with an ex. I feel like you're letting his comments get to you way too much.

A running theme of a week over this one issue! He wasn't like this before at all.

OP posts:
hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 10:08

VeridicalVagabond · 01/09/2023 10:03

Awww poor diddums is having his midlife crisis and realising he's old and boring so trying to make you feel shit for still being young and pretty.

Let him know you'll worry about aging gracefully when you reach his age and are actually old.

Lol yes, it does seem like a mid life crisis doesn't it?!

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 01/09/2023 10:22

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 10:07

A running theme of a week over this one issue! He wasn't like this before at all.

Okay, in that case I misunderstood.

It's weird that he's turning it into such an issue. You don't really need to understand why he's doing it though. You just need to know that it's shitty behaviour and you don't need to tolerate it.

bjrce · 01/09/2023 11:23

80s · 01/09/2023 09:22

He's jealous of your youthful looks and wants you to look as old as him.

Completely Agree!

Boomboom22 · 01/09/2023 11:27

He is considerably older than you and might be thinking of getting old, he will be 60 soon so not really old, 13 years to retirement still. But you are not even 40 yet, some people haven't even had kids yet by 40, in no way the time to start ageing gracefully ffs! Personally I think I'll look younger at 45 as my youngest will be 10, and I'll have more time.

GreyCarpet · 01/09/2023 11:48

Ok. It's his insecurities showing.

Possibly a fear of getting older himself; possibly a feeling of inferiority; possibly a sense of bitterness that you're no longer interested in him; possibly an awareness/realisation that he couldn't attract you (or someone else your age) now; possibly jealousy that he maybe no longer has the choice to blur the lines around his ageing...

Whatever the underlying reason, its a problem within him and nothing to do with you.

What I can tell you is that recognising all of the above will not protect you from it affecting you or how you see yourself.

It won't stop a little voice from popping into your head and questioning if he had a point (even though you know it's him really).

When I was in my late 30s, I became single. I tried a bit of online dating. I set my age limits up to 55 becaiee I wasn't looking for a relationship and was interested in just meeting a wide range of men to have a bit of fun with (so sue me 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣).

What I learnt was that men in their 50s (especially those who would consider dating someone very much younger) have incredibly fragile egos. You just existing and being so very much younger than them is enough to feel their wrath.

He looks at you and sees so much potential in you for love, for life, for the future and he feels that is passing him by nowadays. Time has sped up for him as he realises the hopes he once had are fading and the fears may well be realising themselves. His window of opportunity is growing ever smaller and yours is unchanged.

The best thing you can do is remove him from your life and carry on being 38 without worrying about what some bloke who is well past his prime thinks of you.

hellinahandcart700 · 01/09/2023 12:29

GreyCarpet · 01/09/2023 11:48

Ok. It's his insecurities showing.

Possibly a fear of getting older himself; possibly a feeling of inferiority; possibly a sense of bitterness that you're no longer interested in him; possibly an awareness/realisation that he couldn't attract you (or someone else your age) now; possibly jealousy that he maybe no longer has the choice to blur the lines around his ageing...

Whatever the underlying reason, its a problem within him and nothing to do with you.

What I can tell you is that recognising all of the above will not protect you from it affecting you or how you see yourself.

It won't stop a little voice from popping into your head and questioning if he had a point (even though you know it's him really).

When I was in my late 30s, I became single. I tried a bit of online dating. I set my age limits up to 55 becaiee I wasn't looking for a relationship and was interested in just meeting a wide range of men to have a bit of fun with (so sue me 🤷🏻‍♀️🤣).

What I learnt was that men in their 50s (especially those who would consider dating someone very much younger) have incredibly fragile egos. You just existing and being so very much younger than them is enough to feel their wrath.

He looks at you and sees so much potential in you for love, for life, for the future and he feels that is passing him by nowadays. Time has sped up for him as he realises the hopes he once had are fading and the fears may well be realising themselves. His window of opportunity is growing ever smaller and yours is unchanged.

The best thing you can do is remove him from your life and carry on being 38 without worrying about what some bloke who is well past his prime thinks of you.

Thanks so much for a very well written answer that makes a lot of sense!

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 01/09/2023 12:34

GreyCarpet · 01/09/2023 09:19

He's your ex. Presumably for a reason?

Why not just think, "God, he's a prick!" And have nothing more to do with him?

Because, yes, it's completely normal for a prick to behave like this. You just have to decide that you're not going to listen to him anymore and remove him from your life.

This. Stop spending any time with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

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