NC with DM and terminal cancer (possible trigger)

[Airworld]

I am wondering if anyone can suggest who I could talk to about my DM’s terminal cancer diagnosis. I guess my situation may be a bit different to most people’s plus geographical distance complicates things further. Sorry, this is long.

My DM and I have not spoken/seen each other in over 7 years due to her awful behaviour. She lives on the other side of the world. She has written to me to tell me that she has cancer in 3 places, has had an operation and now staying with her long-term partner of 40 years (don’t live together) as she is not allowed to live alone. She has drugs, not in pain, and the doctors are optimistic that she has 7-10 years survival. This last part does not sound right to me - I think it is probably months not years (she is 76).

I have so many conflicting emotions I just don’t know what to do think/do. As a parent she is controlling and emotionally manipulative most of the time, and this came to a head 7 years ago when I, for the first time ever, stood up to her and she went mad. So I told her to leave my home and we’ve never spoken since. DH would email her photos of DC until he was 4 when she suddenly sent him a nasty email response so he didn’t bother after that. DC is now 8, and has never known this DGM (she saw him twice as a baby).

DH suggested I email her (she included a new email & address) a short message and go from there. Maybe a phone call depending how things go, and to fly and see her.

But, she’s on the other side of the world and the flights are ££££ (at least £1600 return plus hotels possibly) and when would I go? Soon while she is presumably still ok; or towards the end so I might be there? Do I take DS too? It would probably be more for DM’s benefit than his in these circumstances as he simply doesn’t know her and I have very rarely spoken of her. Do I visit more than once? Now and towards the end?

I simply cannot go for 6 months or however long she has left. I cannot leave DS(8) for an indefinite amount of time, nor haul him out of school and put him in one near DM’s, plus of course taking him away from his DF. I also do not want to go and stay indefinitely, unfortunately my DM is reaping what she sowed with me.

It sounds weird I know but for years I used to have nightmares about returning to my home country and not being able to return to the UK, which has been home for over 20 years. I would wake up crying and in a state of panic. My visits back over the years have resulted in me feeling desperate to get back to the UK after literally 2 days. The years, and counselling years ago, here have made me realise how toxic my DM is/was, but there was good times too.

I think of her dying without me there and I cry. Her 3 siblings all live in a neighbouring country, she’s only close to one of them. She has no family aside from her partner in my home country.

I just don’t know what to do, how to feel. I feel I have no one to talk to as I don't know anyone who doesn’t have contact with their parents, only two friends know I don’t and our friendships have drifted a bit since Covid. The flight/hotel costs will be horrific too, which is why it’s important to make the right decision on when to go. To go twice or to take DS too will mean I’ll have to desperately try and get some temp work as we can’t afford for more than me to go and only once really.

The first thing you need to clarify is if it is 7 - 10 months or years.

I can see this must be a confusing set of emotions.

Firstly. Take one step at a time. Uou don't need to jump on a plane at this point. Can you do a call/video call? Or continue emailing?

I agree that cancer in 3 places and "optimistic about 7-10 years" doesn't sound right at all.

Sorry to hear this. My first thought was does she really have cancer?

I think your DH is right… an email, a call, perhaps FaceTime and see what you think. If she’s still as toxic as ever do you really want to go? If she’s offering an olive branch and it’s an opportunity to make peace it’s probably worth it. Fwiw I had an uncle in poor health who lived for about 5 years with cancer…. These things are so unpredictable.

Also. Of course there were some good times. Otherwise you wouldn't have continued to entertain contact as an adult. That's part and parcel of the toxicity- enough niceness to get you back again.

Yours isn't the first thread I've read here about an estranged parent who is very ill. I wonder if you might find solidarity in the Stately Homes thread or life-limiting illness board

I think you need to take one step at a time. I would start with email and then maybe face time. If you have regular consistent face time / WhatsApp that is drama free then you could consider visiting. I wouldn't take DC. I only do things with DC that are in their interests. I don't think visiting DM is in his interests at all.

Firstly, having cancer doesn't suddenly mean you need to be in touch or that she will have changed at all. Your DM lost the right to your time and attention when she has been so unkind over the years. Can you contact her DP and find out what's going on from them? And she's not alone - she has someone with her.

My Dad died from cancer in January - it was a devastatingly hard 6 months before his death, and I barely left his side. But I loved the very bones of him even though as a Dad he'd let me down more than he should have done. I can't imagine going through that journey with someone that didn't mean the very world to me. It's OK to protect yourself, just as you've been doing over the last 7 years.

I’m going to say this as gently as possible, but can you be sure she is telling the truth? It’s not unheard of for manipulative people to fake illness/health scares to try and draw their targets back in again.

You say she wrote to you, could you set up a “burner” email address and reply to her from that? That way you can choose as and when to look at it and if you find your mum hasn’t changed her ways you can just stop looking at it. You can just communicate by email while you establish exactly what is going on and you hold the power to decide whether to step it up to phone calls/video calls.

Be wary, and be kind to yourself. Don’t allow your boundaries to be eroded and only do what you are comfortable with.

Like others have said perhaps email her and maybe FaceTime. As time goes on faced with her own mortality she may feel she wants to address some issues she may not. Because she has cancer doesn't mean she will become the mother you needed and safeguarding yourself is still as important. Small steps and go with how you feel not what you think or others think is right.

Practice some visualisation and see how you feel if she died and you never saw her again. What would you feel? Guilt or relief?

FaceTime is a good idea - and also choose a spot outside of the family home. You need to protect yourself and your little family so keep your home as a sanctuary. Good luck OP. This will be a hard time for you.

She was once young and abusive, now she is old and abusive. You are no contact with her for good reasons, keep it that way. Toxic people can and do use illness and or Ill health as an attempt to control their target, in this case you. Only do what you feel comfortable with.

Think your DH has been misguided here in contacting her at all given how she subsequently behaved towards him. He needs to realise that not all parents are nice and remain actively abusive even in their old age. You have two qualities your mother lacks - empathy and insight. That’s why you cry but I would think she does not cry for your absence even now, she’s more like pissed off. There’s good reason too why she only speaks to one of her siblings.

1. are you sure she is telling you the truth?
2. it is possible she still has years left, but that should be clarified.
3. why do you feel so upset at the thought of her dying without you there? I think you need to work that out. If she had had a heart attack and passed you wouldn’t be there. Could it be possible she knows you might feel this way, and so has told you the (just possibly fake) cancer news to force your hand into a visit? The fact she is saying she has a few years maybe indicates she knows you might need time to organise the trip, so she’s not making you make immediate plans that would mess up your life and finances, but also means that you will plan a visit sooner rather than later (or not at all). I think you should talk through your response to this news with someone impartial, to give you time to decide what you should do (or indeed if you should do anything at all).

Thank you all for your comments and insights. There is a lot to think about and today I have not cried. As a poster said you don’t suddenly become ‘nice’ when faced with your own mortality etc.

Yesterday I was scrolling Facebook and there was a rare post from my aunt (her DSis - the nice one, the other one makes my DM look angelic), and I had a look at her family photos from a while back. I had missed a post back last January where my DM must have visited her and she was there in a group shot, her usual look of utter disdain pointed at the camera. It just got home even more how she always gave me constantly dirty looks, looking me up and down like I was something on her shoe and worse. I absolutely will not be subjecting my DS to that.

I think I will take a few days to think about what to email and go from there, but right now I’ve stopped feeling so upset. To some extent I have already come to terms that she will never be a good mum, she has certainly been a shit partner to a lovely man of 40 years who I don’t know why has never walked away and now he’s apparently looking after her. I have decided though that if I do visit I will not stay with them even though the hotel costs are extortionate where I’m from to avoid her trying to exert any power over me.

I did post originally in Life-limiting and have had no responses, now I realise that’s for those who have lovely mums, I’m envious of those that have them 😞

Also, yes I do wonder if she’s telling the truth but usually she is not that sort of liar however I will tread carefully.

Is the visit foreseen by her as a time when she can apologise for her nasty behaviour? Is it to make you feel bad in some way? Is it to give her partner a break from looking after her? Will she gloat about not leaving you anything in her will? Does she expect you to pay for the travel and hotels etc? I’d say to really think of your own well being. Put yourself first. If you go think about planning on part of a day there - stay somewhere else that you like afterwards.

This is very sensible advice.

Atm you’re in a state of shock, sudden unexpected news, info might not be 100% correct, should you fly/ not fly etc…
Take @HRHTheDuchessOfBotox advice and start from how you feel then.

@ButterCrackers yes you make some good points about what the motivation could be. It could be genuinely wanting to make her peace with me, or a last ditch effort to be controlling in various ways. I know that I will never stay with her if I do go, even though it will be a huge drain on our savings.

@HRHTheDuchessOfBotox @Andthereyougo the past 7+ years have been so peaceful and stress free that it took until a couple of years ago to realise how much of a hold she previously had on me. Until this news I couldn’t have cared less if I never saw her again, then I think how would I feel dying without my only child around me, however she would never accept her part in why that is likely to happen. A lot to think about, which I have to get ‘right’ for me otherwise I could regret it for the rest of my life.

All the best for making this difficult choice. You will make the right decision. Put your well being first.