after baby

[aLnik]

It is not me (female/new mom) who has changed for the worse after our son was born it is him. He is mean, says and does hurtful things and then pretends they did not happen. He refuses to talk about it so it just repeats itself over and over. I am not perfect and we or so I felt were so in love and my heart is broken however I won't stay I just want to understand and maybe it can help me heal.

Pregnancy and birth are flashpoints for abusive men to show their true nature.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. If you are in the U.K. contact Womens Aid as they can and will help, they also have a chat facility.

This is who he is and he’s not going to change nor stop. You need to plan your exit from him with due care and attention hence my suggestion to contact Womens Aid.

I am not in any danger at the moment. By that I mean this point in our relationship. Our families are both loving towards me and nearby but..
again, I am having trouble explaining because I do leave but I am NEVER heard or taken seriously and that seems too impossible to believe. It genuinely makes me feel I have made the whole thing up. WHY won't he hear me? WHY does he actively decide to ignore me?

I know what I'm doing. I know I am searching for someone to tell me it can be fixed. I know I do not want to give up yet but I am not making excuses. I just wish there was another option or another answer where I could figure out why he does this and finally unlock the issue and...blah blah blah

My heart is just broken and not even because he acts this way but because he does nothing to fix it even though I am out of ways to show him how much this hurts.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You cannot fix an abuser and besides which women are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

All you need to understand here is that he is abusive. Such men too hate women, ALL of them. No good will come to either you or your child if you were to remain with him. He feel entitled to act like this towards you, he feels he has done nothing wrong here.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not.

He does not care how you feel, if he did he would not be abusive towards you in the first place.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. These abusive men can and do give their chosen target spaghetti head so the target feeling confused is a common occurrence too.

He is an abusive person. Having a baby has triggered this side of him. It won't get better. Statistically it will get worse. While ever you stay you are saying it's ok to treat me this way. It's what your child will eventually see as normal. It's unacceptable you need to leave now.

I was just hoping it wasn't abuse and just a really long bad mood. Cheating, lying, physical abuse, screaming, drugs, alcohol...those things in relationships leave fingerprints. They're so obviously identified looking in your own relationship or at another. It's more difficult when there are no clues. I do not worship him and have dinner on the table every night. I don't vacuum and wash the windows once a week. But I do pick up the toys, sing the songs in a silly voice, do everyone's laundry, I put my towel in the hamper...
I love and care and donate to charity and I also polish a bottle of wine when I please. I am not anymore special than any other Lind hearted individual. But there is NOTHING to identify why this has happened (it still happens because I allow it) or why it won't stop.
There is not one reason we can't work this out other than that. He just does not care. And not that he should just care a little more. It is brutally clear it is not at all.
I am not a stupid girl. I just really needed to be heard and I appreciate your comment. Even if you didn't read this far. (Crooked smile)

He is actively ignoring you because he is gas lighting you. You need to put into place a plan to leave before his behaviour gets any worse.
Don't try to understand an abuser there is no logic to them.
If you have family near by then go to them.

At the end of the day you need to decide if this is really the environment you want your child growing up in. Abusers often show their true colours once you are pregnant or a child is born he has shown you who he is now you need to leave him.

Yes. I have not swept this under the rug I have spent real time trying to figure out the why and how. His mother and especially his dad are wonderful and live just a few blocks away. Mine are wonderful to. I have so much support around me! It's me. I just don't want to accept it. But thats all I keep reading over and over for month's. It's a situation where "this is how it starts" and I just wanted to be the girl who was overreacting. At least if it was my fault I would be able to fix it. And no. I want our son to see his mom loved. It doesn't need to be another partner. He can watch his grandparents and friends love me I am ok with that aspect.
I'm at the end now and needed one more source for reassurance.

Edit
I needed to know I really did do, try, ask, search, reach out...everything I could to prevent it.

I totally understand the wanting to feel you have done something to prevent this done everything you can to not break up the relationship however, it is not your actions breaking this up. Nothing you can do will change him and his behaviour. He is abusive. It can't be changed by you. You aren't causing this relationship to end he is.

You are not failing by leaving you are succeeding by say 'no I won't tolerate this for myself or my child'.

I keep thanking those who've taken time to write for hearing me.
I am so thankful to just be heard. I know I am not failing and I do know it is not me. I know I can't make him change. Your points hit all my boxes...I just...
These problems while his are also ours and mind and our families and new baby. I won't make a huge departure with threats or calls. I will just wake up and go.
I just can't quite (yet) understand that SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE HERE! It's impossible he is this stupid and it's to heartbreaking to know he's this cruel on purpose. Thank you for hearing me.