Relationship struggles with my partner. Seeking advice

[Pianoplayer190]

Recently things have been awful between us. Literally rock bottom. Neither of us have ever been in a long term relationship. Not only that but we’re long distance. I’ve been working though an watching disorder and things have been awful as of late and my therapist is off sick and has been of 5 months which is around the time me and my partner have been rocky as hell.

The other day he told me he went out with work colleagues and there was only two really young women out and him. I said it was a bit weird and I wasn’t a fan of it just being him and 2 women it didn’t sit well with me. Then this young girl was also texting him. Again I said I didn’t appreciate it. He let me go through the messages and it was work stuff anyway. But I just felt strange about it.

I then broke down later that night saying I felt super inadequate and insecure about what he did lately. He grabbed my hand as I cried and I just pushed him away and cried saying latel I felt things weren’t great and that I didn’t feel great at all times in this relationship and that I couldn’t make him happy. Again he kept trying to hold me and say I did make him happy and cuddle me but I pushed it away. A few moments later he looked at me and said yeah actually I’ve felt similar at times. The arguments are really stressful for me and tiring. And actually yeah he didn’t feel good. We agreed to work through it. I just found the switch in behaviour weird.

I later opened up about an existing Ed that I have which may be why we argued alot. He then said if I want him to be the father to my children I need to open up about this.

The next night I had a horrible nightmare he left me. So I told him about it and we got into a chat about our life in future. It ended up getting into a really sticky conversation. He said his job would be in one place I said I couldn’t see myself moving there. He then said he found himself being less like himself with me and had some niggling doubts about us and our future if the arguments like we had before carried on. I kept asking why he didn’t say this before. He just said it was never on the forefront of his mind before but now we Raised ir. It was better to say it now.

We’re agreeing to work on it. But I just feel so lost in this relationship.

I’ve cried a lot about this today to him. He cried too. It feels draining and I don’t know what to do.

We spent the day out today both quite emotional about it all. I explained to him I think it’s a rocky patch for us and we need to work through it. But I just feel a bit mentally tired.

Op, I'm very sorry you're going through such a hard time, but you have got to take your blinders off and face reality. This relationship isn't working, and it's never going to work. Not ever.

You are glaringly not suited for each other, and your relationship is a near disaster. Stop prolonging this torture and end it already.

Were seeking couples therapy. What makes you say it won’t work. It’s not easy giving up 6 years.

What makes you say it won’t work.

Because you don't even live near each other, or have kids, and you think you need couples therapy to try and salvage this disaster. Look up "sunk cost fallacy."

Because you've been together for six years and you're basically at the same level you were when you started dating. What significant progression has your relationship made? You should have made some sort of solid commitment by now, yet your boyfriend just told you plainly that he won't be moving from where he is.

Because I've been very happily married for 26 years, and I can tell you, with no hesitation, that the relationship you have with this man will never go the distance, and it will never make you happy. It will never happen. You should have ended this ages ago. All you've done is wasted your time.

My life’s changed. I said I don’t want to move and his job is in a specific area. It’s great that you’ve been married 26 years. But I know people married for 26 years who live a life married to each other because they’re scared of leaving what makes them feel safe. While I appreciate the advice. Not everyone’s first thought is. I’m leaving you.

But I know people married for 26 years who live a life married to each other because they’re scared of leaving what makes them feel safe.

And that's what you're willing to settle for? Really? Observing marriages like that should make you keenly aware that that is not how you want to spend your life. The only reason you are still with this man is because you are afraid of change. This relationship is clearly not making you happy, yet there you are, six years down the line and it just keeps getting worse. Why? Honestly, don't you want more for yourself than this?

Gotta agree with @Aquamarine1029 here OP. It's really hard to hear but better to figure this out at six years lest you end up one of those couples stuck together 26 years on as you mention. You're both in pain because it's scary to let go.

But I know people married for 26 years who live a life married to each other because they’re scared of leaving what makes them feel safe

That's exactly what you're doing. Don't you want more for yourself?

I'm not sure what magic wand you think counselling is going to wave to miraculously fix your relationship either. 6 years with no progression, neither of you prepared to move, holding on because you're scared to be alone. Counselling can't stop you flogging a dead horse.

Your relationship sounds way way too hard work. It's not meant to be hard work. Being long distance is hard by itself and if you need your therapist to function then you may not be ready for a relationship at this time anyway, but the bottom line is you don't make each other happy.

Where is the fun and enjoyment in your relationship? It sounds dead. Sorry I know that’s not what you want to hear.

Let me tell a true story.
A lady was Ruth her partner 6 years.
Not living together
They 'were' going to get married- so he said - till he dumped her.
Eventually she met 'Bill'
They've been together happily now nearly 50 years
Saw him only yesterday fetching her medication.
6 years is nothing.
You too deserve your own Bill.

i completely agree with @Aquamarine1029 too.

Ive been in your exact position, 6 years in a long distance relationship. It was so petrifying to leave but it was the best thing I ever did. Now I’m 5 years on and I am now married to a man who makes me infinitely happier than I was in my previous relationship. And above all life is just so much easier which makes it’s so clear that somethings are meant to be and some aren’t.

is this an active chat? I am new and wondering if anyone is on right now
topic-relationships

Have to say, I also agree with Aquamarine1029

But also if I went out with my colleagues, I'd also be going out with two much younger men. In fact, I have done. My partner has never questioned it. This man has even let you read messages, which have all been about work.

He's tried to reassure you and you have pushed him away.

Neither of you want to over closer to the other. You ae dealing with some significant mental health issues.

It's isn't about 'fighting' for a relationship or being the sort of person who doesn't easily walk away or finding some virtue in staying with someome you've been in a LDR with for 6 years or any of that.

It's about looking at what you have, being realistic about the future, and deciding whether or not it makes you happy now and has the potential to keep making you happy in the future.

You're not happy. Your lives aren't intertwined, you dont have children together, you don't live together and there are no plans to change this. You're anxious and insecure and jealous. You question him and push him away when hebtries to comfort you. None of that is going to change because that is your relationship.

Not everyone’s first thought is. I’m leaving you.

So what is it you're hoping to get from this thread?

What are you wanting someone to say?

What needs to change in your relationship for you to be happy?

it's barely a relationship at all and you want to go to a couple's therapy

you don't even live near each other, that talk about him being father to your kids is pointless - he won't be

he will most likely leave because what you have is pointless and you will both be better off in actual relationships - not occasional hanging out where you don't even really talk to one another

The sole point in a relationship is that it’s meant to be fun, it’s meant to enhance your life. Long distance dating with no future is fine if that’s all you want, but no point in fighting and counselling just to have a boyfriend. There’s plenty other blokes out there, or, just enjoy your life free of men for a while.

Sorry op but you DO know what to do. You just don't want to do it. I agree with poster about sunken cost fallacy.

Relationships should be as easy as breathing 99% of the time. That's how you know they're the person for you.

This guy doesn't want the same things as you. You say it's long distance too...if its bèen long distance for 6 years, it's not going anywhere, he's just kept you on the back-burner whilst he, at best, passively waits for a more suitable partner.

This isn't to say you aren't great, but he's probably knows you aren't suited to eachother.

One of you is going to have to rip the bandaid off.

Take some time single amd seek help for your eating disorder. It'll probably vastly improve in the long run with all the stress about him out of your life.

It sounds like you’re a little hard work and you’re pushing him away. He sounds exhausted and like he’s coming to the end of his tether. You need to trust him and stop questioning/doubting him or you will lose him.