Hi first time posting, please be honest but kind.
I don’t really know where to start!!! Going to be a long long post!!
me and my DH have been together 20 years married 10 and got 2 DS 16 & 18.
it hasn’t always been plain sailing but what marriage is! Over the 21 years so much has happened to lead us to where we are today!!
Neither one of us is totally to blame for our situation, it has developed over the years and we have grown apart especially in the last 5 years.
I think it all got worse when my gran passed away, she was my everything! She raised me and I spent almost everyday with her.she was my rock! When she passed I suffered terribly with grief/depression and major anxiety. My family was broken. My husband didn’t really understand as he hasn’t suffered that kind of grief yet!
during this time although he wasn’t really comforting, 2 days after she passed he went out with his mates for the night! if I was crying he wouldn’t comfort me and if i wanted to talk about it he would tell me to stop as it was upsetting him!! And if I was having a really bad day and I only managed to get the kids to school and home again and tend to there needs. he would question why I hadn’t done anything else that day and tell me I need to go to the doctors to sort myself out and get pills, this was a regular occurrence. I understand it must of been awful and stressful for him to come home from work and have to do dishes and tea, I was in a really bad way and admittedly even with doctors intervention this went on for over a year. I understand it must of been hard for him as I didn’t want intimacy and it must have been frustrating for him pick up what I could do , but I needed him to be my rock but instead it felt like he added my depression by not building me up but putting me down further and making me feel guilty for feeling the way I did. This is where the resentment started on my part.
then after a year and a half of being rock bottom I got a job (4 years ago), same company as my husband but a different depot. I loved it and still do, it has been the making of me. It has built my confidence, kept me busy and gave me something to focus on and to make my Nan proud. I still get anxiety now and then but i now know how to deal with it.
However 2 months into my job my auntie passed away, she was waiting for a lung transplant but her body gave up before she had the chance, she had a rare blood type so finding a match was hard! She helped raise me also, so this was another hard blow for me. Luckily I had my job to focus on otherwise I think I would have gone back into the black hole of grief. Again my husband wasn’t very comforting and I couldn’t talk to him about my feelings so I just sucked it up and got on with it and cried when no one was looking.
i have no relationship with my mum (another long story) and don’t know my dad. Im really close to my younger sister but don’t like to burden her as I am her strength and go to, so I looked to my husband to be my rock and he wasn’t, I felt I was on my own again, more resentment building.
Then my husband nearly lost his job due to being randomly drug tested at work, he tested positive for cannabis! Now I knew he smoked cannabis since we got together and so did i but i stopped when the kids came along and he didn’t even though he promised he would. We had many conversations/arguments about, I gave him an ultimatum once and he gave it up for 3 weeks but he was evil and blamed me for everything, he hated me! So I gave in and said when he was at his mate on a Friday he could smoke it! It slowly crept back in to everyday life and seeing as He never done it around the kids, he worked and wasn’t lazy at home, the kids never went without, we had holidays abroad and never got in debt because of it. So yes it upset me he wouldn’t give it up but as it was only effecting my feelings I let it go on.
so when he nearly lost his job he finally gave it up, which I was so pleased with but was also a little bit resentful as he wouldn’t do it for his family in the first instance!! But he kind of was doing it for us now as there is a threat of losing part of our income.
however he has now turned to alcohol,my mum was an abusive alcoholic so I have issues with him drinking every evening! He isn’t abusive but over the last 2 years he has piled on weight, he is lazy, when he’s had a few he makes comments that hurt and when I stick up for myself he asks me what my problem is and that I am too sensitive and moody. He sits Infront of the tv all evening hardly speaks unless it’s about work and it’s usually him doing the talking and when I do he zones out at the tv. I have tried speaking to him about it and how I’m worried he has a problem and he needs to think of his health, he tells me I’m being silly and that he needs something!!
im probably boring you all now!! So I won’t waffle on too much more !!
Lastly intimacy!!!we haven’t been intimate in years as I just can’t bring myself to be intimate with someone who I don’t feel I have no emotional connection with, I have tried to go through the motions to please him and it makes me feel violated and as if it’s forced! I don’t enjoy it!
I have tried to explain to him many many times that I need that emotional connection to be able to give that part of me, the last time we went out for a meal as a couple (about 3 years ago) he got his phone out and started watching you tube and then phoned his mate afterwards to see what he was up too!! I haven’t made an effort since!! Bad I know on my part!! It’s almost like he won’t make an effort unless I sleep with him and I can’t sleep with him until he makes an effort! Stale mate!! This is his biggest and only issue in our marriage no intimacy!!!
When we recently went on holiday to Spain and he moaned the whole holiday! It was too hot, he didn’t want to do anything, he spent most days In the villa watching TikTok and Netflix, wanted to go back to the villa every night by 11pm and every night would try to pressure me to be intimate (he was always pretty drunk by then) he kept saying we have to do it on holiday! It’s not a holiday without it! Then one night didn’t speak to anyone the whole night because I said no! Another big turn off!!
one more thing! He hates my dog!! We got a new puppy last December as I lost my other dog earlier last year( he disliked this dog as well). Shadow is my world and he gets me out and about so I’m not sat home all evening with my husband drinking and not speaking much.
it was a big battle to get my husband to agree that I could have another dog, the only way he agreed was he got to choose the breed as my last dog was a collie and he wanted a black lab. We agreed we would get a dog walker for while we are at work, we would both train, walk together and on the type of food we would feed shadow. Since getting him, he moans about cost of his food, doesn’t come out walking, moans if he misbehaves doing puppy things, calls him names and when I tell him it’s upsetting me he tells me to don’t be so silly it’s just a dog!
i don’t know how much more I/we can take!!!
I quite often think I would rather be on my own, but don’t want to give up on 21 years he is all I have known since I was 16. Plus working in the same business it’s going to be awkward if I see him at work!
I have suggested counselling but he’s not up for that. I’m clinging on by a thread that we can fix this but I don’t think we can. Everyday is a battle and all I want is an easy life with someone who wants to spend time with me and go on adventures together.
any suggestions or advice!!