Lonely but terrible with friendships

[Squarepegroundhole78]

Like my username. That's how I feel most of the time.
High achieving at school, degree, but ended up in a dull job, low/middle management, not challenging or technical. Surrounded by very talented people in a small team.
Would love to do something different, but in 45 years I haven't managed to find 'my thing' or something I'm really good at, so I feel lacklustre about the whole thing. I also volunteer, but over the last couple of weeks I've realised I'm rubbish at that too.

Generally, I make friends very easily; I've got good small talk and -I think- I'm relatable. People seem to like me on the whole. I can be authentic with people to a degree.

But I don't get past superficial friendships and I'd love a really close friend or group/tribe. At the moment, my closet friends seem to be my kids! But obviously there's lots I can't/don't talk to them about as not appropriate.
I'm close to DH, he's lovely. But again- it's too much on him if he's my only real friend!

Self reflecting, I think I'm a pretty decent friend, good with offering to help but not too much of a doormat (though I have been in the past!). People do open up to me and come to me with problems, but I find it hard to do the same, to be that vulnerable.

Keep wondering what's wrong with me.
I struggle with relationships in many ways and have had lots (and lots) of therapy: EFT, CBT, DBT, hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, talking therapies. I'm all therapied out.

I don't drink and don't have much time to meet new people what with work, volunteering and kids, but I'd love to meet some likeminded, funny, quirky, bit nerdy people, but I don't seem to meet them!

I'm just a bit lonely and feel lost and, if I'm honest, a bit sad. Pathetic eh.

And sorry for rambling.

Where are you meeting the people you connect with on a superficial level? If just through generic paths (school gate, neighbours, kids’ clubs, work etc) then it’s not surprising that it’s a struggle to take the connections further into meaningful friendships. Friendship really happens when people around you are able to see your real personality, best qualities and what makes you happy because you’re doing something you enjoy with likeminded people. The one thing that would characterise most of my friendships is that I met and got to know the person when we were doing something that we both really loved doing, or having lots of fun; which allows actual personality to shine through.

Ultimately, forging friendships takes time and effort. You need to find both somewhere if you really want to get to know people who are likely to become friends, even if you don’t think you have the capacity for either.

Thanks for your reply Comptesse. Yes -
pretty much actually! I tend to meet and have superficial interactions at work (small, specialised team as I say) and at the school gate. Not a surprise then I guess? And I'm probably expecting a little much of those interactions when it comes to friendships.

That makes so much sense. I feel like a duller, drab version of myself much of the time, as I'm not doing things I love, so I'm probably not attracting the types of people that I'd actually get on very well with or likeminded people.

It also makes sense that I need to find time for new friendships, rather than expecting friends to just pop up. I have got closer to one of my neighbours lately which is nice. She's more my mums age but we get on very well. It's been relatively recent and we've been here 4 years! So I completely get that it takes time to nurture relationships and find people you feel you fit with.

It would be nice to not feel like a solo oddball, must admit!

You’re not pathetic. I think it just happens sometimes when you have kids and a relationship. I haven’t had a friend in years. I was in a really bad relationship and just didn’t have the headspace to keep any up. I wonder if I’ll ever make more to be honest. It’s not the same as you get older

You haven’t said what your interests are at all.

You mention the worthy stuff, being a good listener is great but were is having a laugh.

Well, what do you bring to friendships? What are you actually like?

I believe the older you get the harder it is to meet and maintain friendships. In your teens/twenties you have the time to invest in friends and build those relationships up. Past thirties it's harder as everyone is busier and have less time to go beyond superficial. Some people are close to siblings/cousins and have good friendships with them.

I had a close friendship group in my youth. We are still in touch but whereas twenty years ago we met weekly spoke daily now we meet a couple times a year and chat on WhatsApp sporadically. Despite our 40 years of friendship we are no longer close in the same way.

I've made 'mum' friends with each of my kids we were very close for first few years but then it started to taper off once kids went to school.

I've never developed friendships through work and currently work in a role with limited friendship opportunities.

My dh had a close friendship group in his twenties but again he rarely sees them now. Once or twice a year we will all meet up for a night out.

It use to upset me but I've accepted it now. I'm close to my dh and kids and I'm busy. If I really feel I need more at any point I'll join a meet up group.