I can't support my sister's (not so) new relationship

[Whatsthatcomingoverthehil]

Dsis is in her late thirties and very keen to settle down and start a family. She was in a relationship with a guy a year or so ago, who was in the process of divorcing his "horrible" exw.

Dsis got together with him after they separated and wasn't the OW. But it turned out the reason his marriage ended was because he had been going regularly to a sex worker. Despite this, he claimed his exw was awful and my sister believed it too. They went far enough to sabotage the house he was trying to buy the exw out of so it would be valued lower and he would get a better deal 🙄. When I said how appalled I was about this, my dsis said "NO, SHE'S A CUNT".

It was completely mad and I was horrified by her behaviour. She is not normally like that.

I actually stopped speaking to her for a while, as my opinion of her was so much lower. She moved in with the guy and they were planning to start ttc (I found out about this later as I wasn't speaking to her at the time). Apparently she was brushing her teeth in her nightie when he told her he'd changed his mind completely and didn't want to do it. Dsis was heartbroken and felt led on. I had mixed feelings as, he obviously has the right to decide for himself, but I know he hurt my sister a lot with how he did it. Anyway, dsis moved out, she had to go on anti depressants and was gutted.

They have stayed in touch though and he still brings out a mean streak in her which I can't stand. Eg she found out someone he was dating was seriously ill and she laughed about it and told me this laughing as she thought I would find it funny. I obviously told her it wasn't.

Anyway, he has now said he does in fact want to start a family and is ready right now. Dsis told me today and said she might get together with him so they can start a family. Spoke to our other sibling today and he said they're already back together!

Dbro is saying he likes her bf now and that I'd get on great with him if I gave him a chance, that I've only got one sister and you only have one life etc etc. Apparently he didn't like my dh to begin with 😂. News to me! He thinks this is no different...I'm not sure.

I am not going to cut anyone out of my life completely. We only really have each other. And I am sure if they start a family, I will have to see him and I'll be polite to him. I'll keep my thoughts to myself irl but it has made me think less of her and I'm just a bit sad as we were quite close again recently and I know I won't feel as close to her anymore.

Not sure what the point of my post is except to get my thoughts out and see if I'm being crazy as dbro was being very pro their relationship while I'm a bit sad about it.

Sorry, just re-reading and it is a bit of a long op!

TL-DR: Dsis is getting back together with her ex who I don't especially like. I'm a bit sad about it but not entirely sure why. Maybe I'm too invested and need to step back a lot.

You need to step back, she is an adult.
She is going to do what she is going to do regardless of how you feel.
But be there to pick up the pieces when it goes tits up, which it likely will.

You can only be there soon for when it all goes wrong, you can change anything

meant to say you CANNOT change anything

Thanks, I know that's right. I am not going to say anything to her. I am just sad she's making that choice and running head first into trying to have a baby with him by the sounds of things. I'm sure he knows I don't like him, so meet ups are likely to be less frequent now. I don't want to see too much of him either so that's fine tbh.

But it's more that by dbro thinks I have to welcome him as part of the family. I can't bring myself to do that tbh.

I too would be very reluctant. Just try to.maintsin a polite facade if u have to.come into contact with him. It amazes me the cavalier approach sime people take to having kids. She may be feeling desperate, which in itself is worrying. Don't exclude her from u completely- I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to do that.

Support your sister on her own. if the boyfriend is a wrongun she will need your support. And sadly if you criticise the boyfriend and their relationship, it will only push your sister further into his arms and prevent her coming to you if things do go wrong between them. Be surface polite to the boyf when you have to see him.

He sounds absolutely horrible, I don’t blame you for not wanting him around your sister. Unfortunately, she’s responsible for her own actions and won’t thank you for criticising him. I’d avoid him though and just be superficially polite when you see him. As for welcoming him into the family, no, I wouldn’t be rolling out the red carpet any time soon, just hoping it fizzles out.

They actually sound like a pair of cunts and well suited. What a tragedy they intend to bring an innocent child into it. I understand your concerns but not sure what you can do about it. She's a grown adult and sounds deeply unpleasant. She'll be the "crazy ex" one day 🤷🏻‍♀️

He sounds awful but to be honest she doesn't sound much better!
Laughing at someone being ill and calling his ex wife a cunt! Horrible.
I'd try and disengage emotionally as much as possible if I were you.
I can't imagine this will end well

well...at least you can say your sister has found someone who brings out all her true colours...

you won't have to deal with him for long though, he will disappear soon enough, your sister will become the newest crazy ex, and all you will need to do is stop yourself from saying "I told you so"

The urge to have children can be very strong. And perhaps she thinks he is her best or only option. But yes it sounds really difficult.

I think you need to stop blaming him for your sister’s unpleasant behaviour. Yes, he sounds ghastly, but if she’s in her late 30s, she old enough not to be unduly influenced by a boyfriend. You need to acknowledge that this relationship has opened your eyes to a nasty side of your sister’s character, but unless she’s somehow really immature, her boyfriend didn’t give it to her, or ‘infect’ her with it. It’s hers.

You're right @ButterRoad and my dbro always says I think too highly of her. I do blame their relationship for the worst of her behaviour but it's also true that my estimation of her dropped a lot when I saw how she behaved so she could hang on to him and be 'better' than his ex.

Also, how can she value someone like him enough to want to have children with him? She's always been superficial with men. Good looks and a posh accent or someone who is fun to hang out with are her priorities. If they're also horrible it doesn't seem to bother her or else she can't see it because they're fun to be with. Dbro I think has been taken in by this guy too. He's no brilliant judge of character himself but he's even older than us, so it's bonkers to me. He kept saying "if you hung out with him, you'd get on really well", which may be true but doesn't change my opinion on him based on what I know.

I think she thinks it's all a bit of a joke, but she won't be laughing if she becomes the mean ex who made him go to sex workers 🙄

its not just him though is it....its who she willingly becomes when she's with him. I agree with previous posters, be polite, be surface freindly if you know what i mean, but you dont have to be super close to someone whos behaving in a toxic way - calling people cunts and actively trying to do them down etc is just horrible. I completely sympathise with you, it must be horrible. At some level you have to accept that with or without his influence, there is something in her that allows her to yield so easily to being such a nasty cow.

I agree with you @Lobelia123. I don't get it at all. She is so sweet a lot of the time