Pregnant and thinking of leaving him

[DWSDB]

When it’s good 90% of the time it’s perfect, I’ve got no complaints but when it’s bad he just turns horrible.

An argument will start over the most little thing, if we have said something with the wrong tone, if something small has happened. When it escalates he basically shouts at me then shuts me down and doesn’t allow me to talk. He tells me to shut up and that I am boring him and walks away. He tells me I am lying or twisting things when I’m not.

I am by no means innocent in this as I will become hysterical and cry and call him cold and horrible. This will go on for hours as he tells me I’m dragging it on when he’s never given me a chance to talk and walks away every time I begin talking or tells me I’m talking shit. He can sulk for ages and I sit there getting more and more upset. He has called me an attention seeker for crying before.

If I bring up im pregnant when we fight he acts like im saying it to win the argument when im just trying to remind him that it’s not okay if I get stressed.

We just argued now and I’m not sure how but after I just cried he apologised to me and told me he loves me but it’s not enough. This rarely happens I usually have to wait for him to stop sulking which isn’t okay either. It’s like he punishes me.

I don’t want my baby brought up in this environment and I don’t want this forever. We had a really long period of good before we got pregnant and discussed it at length, we didn’t do it to save our relationship as it was going really well for well over a year. He’s happy about the baby but I don’t know what’s gone wrong
I thought this stuff was over but it seems to have started again in the past few weeks.

we are tied financially and my maternity is poor. I don’t want it to end but I’m running out of options of what to do
I suggested couples councilling and it is a downright no from him. When he apologised he said we will think of some rules moving forward and stick to them but I’m so heartbroken right now I don’t see it happening.

just want to confirm we have never been violent with one another but we have both said some shitty things and I once dropped a bottle on the floor out of frustration but it was a while ago and not aimed at him and I’ve not done it since. I know it’s not okay.

I’d leave. If it’s not good now I don’t think it’ll get better with disturbed nights, crying etc… Are you married? If not you don’t have to put him in the bc.

Hiya, what’s the bc? Not we’re not married, really sad because we were heading that way until a few weeks ago :(

OP, I suggest you make a plan. Work on an alternative, build up your support network, find a back-up birth partner, think how you will live separately.

If you have a plan B, you'll feel more in control. and then you can see how things go.

But he really needs to step up or it won't work.

How pregnant are you? What a shame your baby is going to have this man as a father and you're going to be tied to him.

He sounds deeply unpleasant, controlling and abusive.
He gets his say but shuts you down and won't let you talk. What kind of role model is that for a baby?

Leave him. Seriously consider if you want to tie yourself to this man via a baby. And don't put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his Surname. Baby gets yours as you aren't married.

I’m 25 weeks pregnant, we are currently on holiday abroad and have a few days left to go. My parents are joining us in a few days and I can’t wait until they are here.

Hes acting ‘okay’ with me at the moment as in he’s not really interacting with me but he’s pleasant when we do. Ive literally cried and asked him to rub my back which he did then hugged me whilst I cry.

I need a plan B definitely. I’ve got a son at home (we’ve never argued in front of him he’s with his dad) but I don’t want this to affect him either…

He has just gone for a nap whilst I’m sat here feeling like the worst possible parent and I’ve made an awful mistake. I don’t know about the birth certificate thing as he will fight to be on it and I want my daughter to have a relationship with her dad but honestly I just want the 90% boyfriend back. My heart is broken.

Please tell me you aren't even considering giving your baby his last name OP?

You will qualify for help if you don’t earn alot and you can make an plan to leave and it will all be okay. I don’t live with my child’s dad for This reason it is hard because I want to be around him but he too can be unpredictable moody snappy and shouty when he wants so it’s best we have time apart.

you need to put your child first and explore all avenues.

@monsteramunch my last name is awful and his is nice, I got bullied a lot for my last name. I don’t know if it’s a bad idea. No matter what I want my daughter to know her dad, it wouldn’t be fair on her.

@purplebluediscorain how do I apply for that? I earn 30k a year but my maternity is pretty much stat which is less than 800 a month :(. I wanted to be able to have a year off as he was going to financially support me but I don’t know if he would do that moving forward.

it’s just a mess. I can’t believe this is happening, 3 weeks ago it was perfect but I can’t raise my children allowing them to think this is normal.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

This will calculate how much benefit you could be entitled to if you were to leave your partner.
To apply for Universal Credit https://www.gov.uk/universal-credit/how-to-claim

Hi op.
I'm so sorry to read your post and honestly this could have been me writing this a year ago- him being cold nasty and mean, me hysterical crying from the anxiety, 'I'm pregnant' meaning nothing to him and getting no empathy, everything being blamed on me....

I didn't have to make your decision as he walked out on me at 34 weeks (because I was selfish for telling him, very calmly, that I was still feeling upset about things he had said to me at the weekend during an argument, and he decided I was too stressful for him to be around)

I was extremely heartbroken but I moved in with my parents and received so much more love kindness and support from them and my family and friends than I would ever have got if I'd stayed with my ex. Honestly everyone just jumped in to pour love into me.

It's awkward and it's not been easy but he visits regularly and wants to be a Dad still (although see some of my posts on how that's going, he is trying) I'm sadly accepting now that he is not a guy that was ever going to make me happy long term and has shown me he can't give love and care during tough times and can't be strong and is very selfish and weak emotionally.

Being pregnant is such a vulnerable time that if you are even considering this I think this means you do need to leave him.

The birth certificate is bc. If you don't add him on initially then he can't control you but he could go to court later to get on it or you might want to add him on later if he becomes a decent guy - it's safer to not put the Dad on at first though as it's hard to tell how things will go in the first few weeks.

Ls my baby is absolutely thriving living in a happy home, he really is the best baby he sleeps well, smiles at everyone, hardly cries unless there's a reason, loves to play and explore- I dread to think how he'd have developed if he was in a home with tension where I was walking on egg shells all day

Just want to highlight how important this message is op, once you've had baby and you're sleep deprived and recovering physically from the birth, the most important thing for you and baby is going to be feeling loved and secure so you can both thrive. You don't want to be walking on eggshells wondering when the next fight will be coming.

Pps - he HAS to financially support you, you can claim via the child maintenance service and there is a benefits calculator you can do online you should get some unless you have a very big savings account x

Your daughter will still know her dad regardless of whether he's on her bc or what name.

My baby has my surname and the dad is so on the birth certificate, but I will probably add him on in a few years, perhaps when my son is a teeen, so he has that record, but in the meantime I don't want him doing anything like deciding he's moving far away and asking to take my son to live with him or anything else sudden and reckless like that

Thanks so much @Unexpectedlysinglemum ❤️. I’m currently in our bedroom whilst he is practically ignoring me, unless out of necessity on the holiday we were so looking forward to and I’m questioning it all. I don’t want my baby in this scenario and to be fair I can see him walking out at some point. But I want him to walk out so I get our house and he can go find somewhere else for all I care.

Our little girl who we both so dearly wanted is kicking in my tummy and she deserves better than this and deserves a mum whose not constantly crying, shouting or extremely anxious throughout the pregnancy.

I will speak to him when I am home. Don’t know how the hell that’s going to go. Probably sulk, call me names, storm off or refuse to leave. Time will tell.

Honestly this was me on holiday this time last year op, baby had just started kicking too 😩😢 I really really feel for you I know exactly what you're going through. Our baby was planned and wanted (his idea actually!) too! Please do tell your parents or a close friend that you trust what's going on. It feels so shameful but people who love you will help you. And your midwife at your next appointment they are so kind and helpful.

Remember if you decide to leave you don't need to discuss or ask him you just tell him, you might want to have someone there or nearby when you do in case it gets very nasty.

I’ve told my mum she’s disgusted at him but won’t get involved which I get completely. Just had a massive cry and walked past him and he’s acted caring saying what’s up… I’ve said I’m abroad and pregnant and never felt so alone then walked to the terrace… has he followed.. has he fuck. Just want this holiday to end now.

Actually he’s gone to bed 😂

Omg my ex used to do that too and I'd be thinking
'How can you sleep knowing you've upset me this much' and I'd be up all night upset about it- not what you need at all when pregnant sleeping is hard enough.

Op please just be utterly selfish now in every way you can be to look after yourself. STOP bending over backwards to 'keep the peace' do only what you want to do and feel like for the next few days of the hol to get through them, do not force yourself to do any routine or activity just to try and keep him happy. Go to bed early if you want to, go for a walk if you want to, go get ice cream even if he doesn't want to, have a nap if you like etc etc. (Conversely that might even help things between the two of you as you might resent him less if you act how he acts)

It'd be a good idea to get yourself a counsellor when you're back too op - your gp will make sure you're put to the front of the queue when pregnant.

Following on from this… he’s upset me then told me we are incompatible (probably true). We are stuck here another day
I’ve hyperventilated on the floor and he told me off and said I’d done it to myself

I’m absolutely broken.

Tell him you are either going to marriage counseling or you are leaving him. Tell him he can think about it and tell you tomorrow what he decides. But it’s counseling or divorce. I don’t think he knows this is the ultimatum at this point.