Hello everyone. To cut it short I am at the end of my tether with feeling sexually frustrated and emotionally lonely in my relationship.
I have been with my dp for 8 years. He was my first everything so I kind of learned the ropes from him. I was quite shy in the early years and I am naturally very submissive, but as the years have gone on I want to express myself more.
sex has always just been on his terms, times and conditions. We only do it when he wants to. I wasn’t confident enough to come on to him at the start but over the years any time I have tried to initiate sex or being intimate I have been rejected 95% of the time.
I have tried dressing in nice lingerie - rejected, more extravagant ways - rejected, more subtle ways - rejected. Even just trying to give him a peck on the lips I have been rejected! He has mentioned to me that he’d like me to buy some night dresses that are ‘easy access’ to wear to bed. Nothing extravagant as he’s not in to that, but I tried wearing a night dress 3 separate times and he did not touch me at all!
the past year, specifically past 6 months, I feel my hormones have changed and I tend to have a 2 week period in my cycle when I am extremely horny. This has NEVER happened before. Usually I struggle to get turned on, rarely get wet and not very interested in sex. Maybe that is due to the fact we just do it when he wants, how he wants etc.
he’s not selfish in bed, he does spend time on me but it’s just never really how I genuinely want and I’ve never been comfortable really communicating how I feel because I’m scared of rejection or being embarrassed. I believe he has a dominance issue. He has told me that he wants to be the dominant one, not me. He likes the idea of ‘f*cking’ me. I’m fine with that, I’m naturally submissive. But I do think I should be able to come onto him occasionally when I’m in the mood.
2 weeks ago when sitting next to eachother on the couch, I kept leaning over to kiss him on the lips. I was just being playful and had 0 intentions of it leading to anything sexually. He was only giving me a quick peck even when I was trying to make out with him. Eventually he gave in and had a quick make out kiss. I thought nothing more than next moment he took me by the hand to the bedroom and we had sex. I was really excited after that as I thought I had found a way to initiate sex without really having to.
3 nights ago I was extremely turned on (that time of my cycle) but I couldn’t mention anything to him. It was just lucky that in bed he actually initiated sex with me. It was amazing for me to actually be turned on properly for once and have sex. Usually I feel like I’m having to force myself to get turned on for him and wet. That night was so natural and amazing.
last night I was extremely horny again. Yet again I can’t mention it to him but hoped that he’d coincidentally touch me in bed again. He didn’t. He always hugs/spoons me but that’s it. I was so so frustrated I couldn’t sleep, left the room and just cried in frustration while he just slept.
today I was relaxing in the bed, extremely turned on still. He came to nap in the bed and spooned me like usual. All I want to do is turn over and start kissing him or touching him to initiate sex but I can’t. I eventually just told him I’m going to leave the room and he said ‘all you want is to have sex all the time’. So clearly he knows I’m in the mood and I don’t even need to tell him. He said it like it’s all I ever want which upset me as I NEVER get to initiate or mention when I want sex. I proceeded to let him know that I don’t want to hug, I want to have sex and that he never gives it to me. Even after that he STILL didn’t try to initiate sex with me. I thought any guy would jump at the opportunity of their partner wanting it? I just left the room, he went to sleep and now I’m crying in frustration.
I don’t have an extremely high sex drive at all. It’s not a case of mismatched sex drives as he could easily go more often. In fact, he is constantly talking about sex, constantly following female models etc he finds attractive on Instagram etc etc.
also, I have an app where I track my cycles and make notes when we have sex. In this ENTIRE month of august we have only had sex 3 times!! And he said all I want is sex all the time??! I should note that we are only 28!
apologies for the really long post but I wanted to include as much as possible. I am so frustrated and by the time he does decide to sleep with me I won’t even be turned on or won’t even get wet anymore! Is it normal?! It shouldn’t be this hard to have sex with my partner when I feel in the mood!
also, I don’t get anything sexual at all any other time! He doesn’t flirt with me, doesn’t even flirt over text message with me, no fun ‘sexting’, no fun ‘quickies’ or having sex in random places like we would do at the beginning of our relationship. There is no fun at all! But I see that he is constantly flirting with other women on social media/text (he is quite popular on social media and a lot of women are after him). Yet he does not send me even 1 text a month unless it’s telling me a chore to do.
there is no fun, he views me as ‘wife’ and ‘the mother of his kids’ and because of that I am limited to what I can do. He doesn’t want me to dress in a certain way (for example wearing gym shorts to the gym is apparently inappropriate as a mother), he says he can’t treat me certain ways in sex because I’m ‘sacred’ as the mother of his children etc etc. just because I am a mother does not mean I can’t have fun with my partner.