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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Avoidant won't apologise

16 replies

Permanentlyfrazzled · 31/08/2023 11:51

Hi Mumsnet. Been with my husband over 10 years and have come to learn he is very avoidant.

I can cope with most of this, and have learned how to navigate a relationship with less emotional intimacy than I would like.

But what I find really really difficult is that my husband just does not apologise. When he does something hurtful, he immediately gets defensive, pushes the blame back into me, and if he does say sorry it's always "sorry...but..."

Recently we had an altercation where he was verbally aggressive. It was very hurtful. He knows he has done wrong, but is being his usual avoidant self, ignoring me for weeks, sleeping in a separate room.

I spoke to him last night (I went to him) and he wants us to work on our 'conflict style'. Still doesn't accept he was wrong. Says he has a different perspective on what happened, constantly trying to minimise what happened and distance himself from it.

I am at my wits end. I am struggling to be in a relationship with a person who shows no empathy, care or responsibility when they have really hurt someone. I have spoken to him about how this feels a number of times, but he keeps saying this is an 'us' problem.

Do I leave?

OP posts:
becauseicanthatswhy · 31/08/2023 21:15

Absolutely leave. I have similar with my thing and it's awful to live with. Soon enough you will feel empty and worthless because he's not treating you like a human being.

HowAmYa · 31/08/2023 22:07

I divorced one of those. He won't change and you will just become more and more resentful until you wake up one day and realise how many years you wasted with someone who didn't speak the same language as you.

Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 31/08/2023 22:24

becauseicanthatswhy · 31/08/2023 21:15

Absolutely leave. I have similar with my thing and it's awful to live with. Soon enough you will feel empty and worthless because he's not treating you like a human being.

This is exactly how I feel, I'm sorry you're in the same boat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 31/08/2023 22:27

HowAmYa · 31/08/2023 22:07

I divorced one of those. He won't change and you will just become more and more resentful until you wake up one day and realise how many years you wasted with someone who didn't speak the same language as you.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry your marriage ended because of this. I think mine might be going the same way. I keep thinking he will change but it's been so many years and if anything it's worse!

He has self-identified he is a dismissive avoidant and has actually started therapy. But this is the third time he has had the therapy and whilst I keep hoping he will change I think that is unlikely.

OP posts:
Octosaurus · 31/08/2023 22:32

I'm shocked you have made it 10 years with this man. Avoidants can't really change. It's so hard to change in general, you have to kind of either leave or just stop taking anything he says or does seriously - but if you manage that icy coldness you'll end up leaving anyway because you've stopped giving a shit

category12 · 31/08/2023 22:37

If he's done therapy 3 times and is just getting worse, I think you're flogging a dead horse here.

Gertiegoose · 31/08/2023 22:41

I’m another one with an avoidant husband here. I recognise much of this.

NCNC4 · 31/08/2023 22:51

Goodness, this sounds an awful lot like my husband. He'll only ever apologise to me when pushed/asked to do so and even then it's always "Sorry... but..." followed by some reason why it's my fault that he's been incredibly rude to me. I hadn't realised this could be some kind of disorder, I just thought he was a selfish twat. I already believe him to have ASD and possibly ADHD, so this isn't a huge leap.

I don't have any advice, but lots of sympathy. I'm currently getting my ducks in a row to leave, should things come to a head. This includes building up a secret running-away fund. Hope you're in a position to do the same.

HowAmYa · 31/08/2023 22:56

Permanentlyfrazzled · 31/08/2023 22:27

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry your marriage ended because of this. I think mine might be going the same way. I keep thinking he will change but it's been so many years and if anything it's worse!

He has self-identified he is a dismissive avoidant and has actually started therapy. But this is the third time he has had the therapy and whilst I keep hoping he will change I think that is unlikely.

Show quote history

Oh don't be sorry, I'm not 🤣 it was behaviour like this on top of a lot of other things that made me realise I'd spent 12 years with someone who was never right for me from day 1.

The thing is you know when you've switched off from it. I just woke up one day realising he will never change and actually I was at the point where if he did change it wouldn't matter because ultimately I just didn't love him like that any more. I became numb to it. The resentment built up to the point where i snapped and just wanted to not be with him any more.

These behaviours don't change within a relationship. I personally dont think therapy will help because the nature of his relationship to you as his wife is still the exact same, therefore this behaviour will always rear its head when he is comfortable. Hear me out on this; for me and me ex h I will say now that we are civil as Co parents with zero romantic feelings, if he is short with me for whatever reason he actually apologises with sincerity and with no 'buts'. In 12 years he never once said sorry without me needing to ask him to. Not once. His behaviour was word for word identical to how you describe your dh
What's changed is our relationship; there's zero expectations now. We dont require anything of each other any more aside from respect as parents and the logistics of co parenting. It's the mark of knowing 2 people can be good acquaintances and friends but can make terrible partners.

Gertiegoose · 31/08/2023 23:00

What kind of behaviours do you all experience (or did you experience) with avoidant husbands? I’ve found mine fluctuates between quite warm and then v cold and withdrawn…

Winterlove · 31/08/2023 23:05

I could have written this.

Pinkbonbon · 31/08/2023 23:15

Even if he hadn't been aggressive, yes, ASAP.

Even if it was an 'us' problem (by which, he means you by the way) it takes 2 people to want to fix an us problem. He doesn't want to fix it. He just wants you to put up and shut up. To keep trying yourself in knots trying to change yourself in order to fix him. Which, isn't possible.

Get off the merry go round. Give yourself permission to leave. To finally choose yourself.

reblev92 · 01/09/2023 00:05

It's narcissistic behavior and he's making you feel so unhappy and bad about every situation, he loves that you go to him they thrive off it, honestly men like that will never change get out while you can ❤️

reblev92 · 10/09/2023 01:08

My dad is like this and my mother walked out this year after 30 years, she waited for us all to fly the nest kept the family together because that's what she had, and deemed as normal, but really it done us more damage than good, I don't blame her at all. Mow my dad is in hospital after trying to take his own life, he's been threatening for months and me and my sister have toon him to see the doctor and got medication his follow up appointments etc.. but now he's not in control he's nothing. It's hard for him to process that he's not in her head anymore, we can see straight through him but he's our dad and he's got nobody 🥹 he had. Very traumatic childhood, breaks my heart that evil and narcissism is all he's known and the day he stuck up for his mother and stood in front of her when his dad went to beat her, she walked out on him and never turned back, he was locked in a cellar for 3 days with nothing. I know it's no excuse but it affects your life your childhood. 😣

RantyAnty · 10/09/2023 04:51

He's an abusive arsehole.

Get out before he destroys you.

Original poster
Permanentlyfrazzled · 10/09/2023 18:35

Thanks all for your perspective. I've got to the end of my tether and asked for a separation. He is now saying he is sorry but it's too little too late. And frankly I don't believe anything he says anymore.

Any words of wisdom for separating from a man like this much appreciated.

OP posts:
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