Scared to leave

[Anonformn]

Ive started a new account for this thread as didn’t want to be linked to my other posts in case people I know were to do so. I didn’t know how to name change so had to start a new account sorry.

I’ve been married to my H for 7 years and together for ages before that. We have 2 children, very young. My H and I have always had absolutely massive rows over really petty stuff, he can get in a mood at the drop of a pin and it affects the whole atmosphere then for the rest of the day.

He has been violent with me in the past, and more recently has thrown stuff and smashed his phone. When he’s in a nice mood we have some lovely family time but I realise this doesn’t outweigh the negatives. I think I’ve always craved a family because my own childhood was so miserable. I do care a lot about him but I’m not in love with him, as I feel terrible about myself when I’m round him. He makes me feel very unattractive and stupid with things he says or lack of intimacy etc. I honestly don’t know what he gets out of our relationship.

I want to leave but I’m terrified of looking back and regretting my decision. I’m scared my children might resent me. I’m also terrified he will make me out to be crazy and take my kids from me. We did a big renovation on our house and I’m scared we won’t be able to sell it in the current for me to be able to move on. He is the high earner and I’m not and I’m also scared how I will afford to get by. I’m scared of being on my own in the future too. I’m 38 and reliant on him and feel so stupid 😢. I don’t really know why I’m posting other than if anyone has been on a similar path and has advice I would love to hear it please

This stopped me leaving for 5 years, pretty much all the reasons you listed, except that I have my own career and we earned the same.

My fears never materialised, whilst yes he's still a shit he's not my problem anymore. My life is infinitely better without him and so are my children.

He sees the children EOW but that's it as he can't be bothered actually parenting.

I would suggest getting your ducks in a row financially so he can't hide anything - if you are married then you will be owed half, if not more if you are the primary caregiver. See a solicitor to get your options, that's what I did and it really helped when we split because I knew exactly what I needed to do and so it was done quickly.

Thanks for the reply @QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat sorry to hear you went through hell too. I worry that now I’m leaving and it’s not the height of his abuse we will have to continue living together until we sell the house which could be years! I can’t afford to buy him out and because of the size of our mortgage he can’t afford to buy me out either! I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare

If your husband knows it’s the house sale that stops you leaving, he might prevent selling to keep you with him. I’d keep everything quiet at the moment and start making your plan. Work out how much you earn, how much you’d get in child support, could you claim benefits. How much would rent be and if you did sell would you have enough for a deposit to buy, could you get a mortgage.
it seems overwhelming but I found once I started organising my finances & gathering information it all fell into place.
Get evidence of his earnings, savings if any, pensions etc.. photograph it all.

@Anonformn
Hi OP

I am in a similar position to you, but I am inching very slowly and painfully towards a separation. My heart goes out to you, it is so hard.

Things that might help, some big, some small:

Do little things to make you feel better temporarily, even if just treating yourself to a nice coffee or cake when you are out. I got myself secret botox 😉

Post on mumsnet as much as you want, I do it all the time and just name change when i want to get something off my chest/get good advice from wise women. PM me if you want anytime

Speak to a lawyer. I built this up to be a huge deal, and it's really not. Get in touch with literally any firm and ask to speak to a female lawyer if you can, about divorce. I bet you will be in a better position than you imagine.

Tell people in real life. Again, I built this up to be a huge deal, and in reality people were less judgmental and far more supportive than I thought they'd be

@Andthereyougo thanks for your reply, yes if we sold for what I think we could I would have enough for a mortgage. Even if we had to sell at a loss as such to move quickly we would both be able to have a decent deposit on a place if we split the assets 50/50. I currently only work 15 hours a week and he pays all bills plus deposits money in my account each week, so I’m hoping on the basis of continued child and spousal maintenance this would be taken into account for mortgage purposes? I’d probably require a 60% LTV mortgage.

@howmanytimes34 thank you for this, have messaged you