So, I'm in an unusual situation to say the least.
I started dating a man earlier this year - and up front he told me he still shares a house with his ex-wife. They've been trying to sell the house for a while and have had offers but they've fallen through. He is desperate to sell, can't afford to buy her out - but they remain friends. Initially I thought this was a good sign - if a man can stay friends with his ex that means he is a good un. I've had dates with men who've right off the bat talked badly about their exes which has warned me off them (it takes two and all that).
I trust my bf and accept the situation. I took a deep breath and decided to be open-minded and just to take things slowly to assess what the truth really is/was.
I completely believe him when he says he no longer is in love with her and doesn't have romantic feelings. He can't wait to sell the house and move on with his life - and we've talked about a future together.
She has a bf now - for context.
It's not ideal - but as long as everyone is grown up about it, then fine. Until she started playing up. Having temper tantrums whenever I was there and causing a fuss about silly things. I have been nothing but friendly, kind and reasonable and my bf agrees - while at the same time, I've been trying to respect my own feelings and boundaries. He was deeply embarrassed by her behaviour towards me and apologised and had a word with her.
Long story short - I can like her but don't trust her. She appears to be someone who is used to getting my bf's attention and does it by acting up.
My bf doesn't like conflict at all and often tries to smooth the waters and I worry that sometimes he puts her feelings above my own. I have told him that I would have a problem with this - if push comes to shove and he has to make a decision where either her feelings are hurt, or mine are - I would hope he'd make the right decision.
I completely understand his position - tbh, he reminds me of myself when I was in a similar position where I tried to keep the peace between people and ended up being a bit of a doormat. I've learnt since to say No, and have strong boundaries and know that you can't keep everyone happy all the time.
I have already put some boundaries in place. EG - they both used to call each other all the time about stupid stuff - relating to the house etc. I've asked that while she is with her bf and I'm with mine, that maybe they respect us and not do that - only to call in an emergency and use text otherwise. What they do in their own time is up to them - but I think with a new relationship, listening while your SO talks to their ex is a bit unsettling at the best of times.
Another boundary I put in place was - every time we went somewhere, he would say "Oh yes, me and ex's name came here and we did this." He's travelled a lot - so pretty much there isn't a place he hasn't been to without her. I tolerated it for a long time - and then when she was a cow to me, I brought it up and told him, very calmly, how it made me feel. Again he was really understanding and said he needs to "reprogramme his habits". I think it is just that - he's got into a habit of talking about her.
I am actually very careful about bringing up ex's. If I do talk about a place I went to with an ex - I say "We did this" and don't mention the name - just to keep it vague.
Sorry, this is long and rambling. I'm now at the point though where I can't work out if I'm being reasonable or not or whether I am feeling jealous.
Obviously they have a long history together and it bothers me a bit that they see each other every day. I feel as I said before that he is a bit weak - and she only has to stamp her foot and he'll oblige. Which makes me feel nervous.
He tells me he loves me every day - but more than that, his actions are always reassuring and supportive and tell me he is in the relationship with me for the long term.
But I have noticed he is very reliant on her.
When she was being a nightmare, I did tell him "look, if she continues to act this way then I don't want a future with her in it. I've spent a long time cultivating a balanced, peaceful life and choose people to spend time with who are kind and reasonable - and not creating drama all the time".
He understands completely. But I still have this uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach.
I guess if I am being honest - I just don't want her around or in his life. Obviously that isn't going to happen until the house sells which could be some time. I worry that even if we did end up living together, he is actually more reliant on her than he admits - and he'll still be messaging her about stuff.
I wonder if this makes me controlling though. If he reassures me he loves me - and I don't doubt it, should I just allow things to be. Accept that she is around - and just try to rise above it. Which I am doing.
But the effort to constantly have to rise above and pretend this is a normal situation - and pretend I'm okay with it when I'm not. I'm wondering if I've been an idiot - should I stick it out and hope that once the house is sold things will be better - or should I just walk away?
Or should I be more assertive - be more like her and stamp my foot a bit more to get what I want?
Bring on the advice!