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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hand Hold

6 replies

sunpisces · 31/08/2023 10:25

Having one of those harder days post-separation and need a hand hold.

I'm 28, Been with STBXH for 8 years, only married for 2. Split from husband 3 months ago and house is officially sold as of last week as i am moving back to my mums with my DS.

EXH is a "good man" and a good dad but let me down repeatedly with cocaine binges. I love him, but can't allow my son to grow up in this. He of course has started to make lifestyle changes since the split but hasn't once came to me and had a mature conversation to acknowledge wrongdoings - he and my inlaws who have had 0 contact with me since splitting think I'm over reacting.

Starting life again as a divorced single mum is daunting, even more so when I still love and care for him but know we can't be together.

Don't really know what i am asking for here aside from someone with an outside perspective to reassure me i am doing the right thing.

OP posts:
cruffinsmuffin · 31/08/2023 10:34

Your OP doesn't sound like you need a hand hold, it sounds like you need a pat on the back for doing the absolute best thing you could have done for your child and yourself!

Well done for not minimising his cocaine hinged or normalising that for your child growing up. That's a huge step and as a total stranger I'm proud of that for you - you've protected your son as you should do and in a situation that's so so hard to be in.

He's not a good man or a good dad if he repeatedly let you down with cocaine binges. You're a good mum for standing up for what's best for you and your son. Ignore any opinions from your IL or exH - you've done an incredible thing.

NoPrivateSpy · 31/08/2023 10:41

Presumably you gave him the opportunity to change and he couldn't step up.

He made this choice for your family, not you. It's easy for him and his family to blame you and deflect responsibility back to you to support his change but absolutely no one else on the outside looking in would EVER think you are the bad guy.

Stand strong. You both deserve better.

Original poster
sunpisces · 31/08/2023 10:49

cruffinsmuffin · 31/08/2023 10:34

Your OP doesn't sound like you need a hand hold, it sounds like you need a pat on the back for doing the absolute best thing you could have done for your child and yourself!

Well done for not minimising his cocaine hinged or normalising that for your child growing up. That's a huge step and as a total stranger I'm proud of that for you - you've protected your son as you should do and in a situation that's so so hard to be in.

He's not a good man or a good dad if he repeatedly let you down with cocaine binges. You're a good mum for standing up for what's best for you and your son. Ignore any opinions from your IL or exH - you've done an incredible thing.

This brought tears to my eyes - I really needed to hear this today. Thank you so much.

I feel like cocaine is "normalised" in today's society which is why he or they can't understand it. He rarely went out but when he did it was the same story, phone went off and disappeared for the weekend whilst I was left holding the baby. Final straw was him going AWOL and missing the full day of my birthday earlier this year. I just can't go through it anymore despite all the other good times together.

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 31/08/2023 11:28

Yeah, that pretty despicable behaviour.

I know recreational users but no one that would normalise that desertion of parental responsibilities, OP.

Itstimetoquit · 31/08/2023 20:19

I kicked my ex of 14 years out last year,best thing i ever did! His cocaine use was all day everyday,he constantly lied i had drug dealers knocking on the door. Its a long story(it is posted on here).the first 10 years of our relationship was fine then he started using when he went out with friends. I put up with it for 3 years and it was horrendous (we have a 12 year old son) who he hasn't bothered with since i kicked him out. He would dissapear for days! You did the right thing ending it,stay strong x

Pumpkinpie1 · 05/03/2024 13:41

Good guys don’t put drugs before family. I hope you and your son find the happiness you deserve x

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