Page 2 | Potential red flag

Riverlee · 31/08/2023 11:46

(Which I just realised contradicts the, can’t be trusted statement. Who admits that they’ve had 12 year affair, unless that’s the reason the marriage failed. He got caught out!).

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 31/08/2023 11:54

I don't understand why he'd own up to a 12 year affair. Unless it's calculated to make you think "we're so close, he trusts me so much, he is revealing the absolute worst of himself to me". It's part of the game. You potentially view this awful confession in a positive light because he didn't have to tell you.
End it now. Why would a 12 year affair be over anyway? Whatever kept it going that long is probably the deceit, lies and secrecy, he gets off on that, and you're lined up to be the next "proper" relationship whilst he gets his cheap thrills elsewhere.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 31/08/2023 11:57

Purely physical for 12 years? yeah, right. Of course it was. That's longer than a lot of people stay married and is a whole separate life to his one with his wife.

Unless she was OK with it for some reason, this is a man who can compartmentalise, lie and cover his tracks.

Bebosally · 31/08/2023 11:57

Kittykatkate83 · 31/08/2023 09:13

I agree it happens fast for some people, I don't think it's a red flag. But 12 years I can't get my head around it. 12 months is bad enough but 12 years! He was with his wife from age 14 to 42 so a very long time

You should ask him how on earth he managed to keep it secret for 12 years.

At least if you want to stay with him then you'd know all his tricks!

FartSock5000 · 31/08/2023 11:57

@Kittykatkate83 its a massive red flag!

He has told you that he expertly lied, cheated and manipulated his wife for 12 long years!

That is disgusting. Someone who can do that doesn't deserve a happily-ever-after and they don't change their spots overnight.

Run a mile from this one.

ConnieTucker · 31/08/2023 12:07

Aquamarine1029 · 31/08/2023 09:55

Been dating a guy for 2 weeks, it's going really well we've become very close very quickly.

This is the real red flag, op. He's love bombing you. Run for your life.

Very much this.

and a few years down the line, well you knew i wasnt a one-woman guy.

category12 · 31/08/2023 12:42

Kittykatkate83 · 31/08/2023 09:13

I agree it happens fast for some people, I don't think it's a red flag. But 12 years I can't get my head around it. 12 months is bad enough but 12 years! He was with his wife from age 14 to 42 so a very long time

And very often too much too soon turns out to be a mistake and love-bombing. You hear about the lovely success stories of "oh we just knew!", all very romantic, all very idealistic - but they are not the norm.

A red flag doesn't mean something definitely is wrong, it means something could be. Too much too soon is a red flag.

2 weeks in - you don't really know this guy at all. It's easy to mirror and love-bomb someone - and he's already setting out his stall that he cheated on his ex for 12 years. That's a pretty horrific relationship history.

Two red flags.

HowAmYa · 31/08/2023 13:49

There are honest men out there OP.

I dont think I could be with someone who openly admitted they cheated on an ex (I'm not saying that I'd be with someone who cheated but just didn't say) because I feel that there is a sense of wanting to test the waters so any fuck ups in the future are YOUR fault because you still chose to be with them when you knew they were a cheater because they were 'honest from day one'.

No less, someone who did it for 12 fucking years.

Run for the hills!

Mom2K · 31/08/2023 14:12

He said it was purely physical. But 12 years is just such a long time

So not only did he lie to his wife and put her sexual health at risk, with no regard for how his actions would hurt her...

But he also was physically intimate with another woman for 12 years without forming any feelings or real connection with her because he was just using her for sex? What a prince.

That is disgusting. And if in fact he did actually feel something for this woman...well he told you that he didn't so now he's lying to you.

I wouldn't touch this one with a barge pole. Throw it back.

alwaysmovingforwards · 31/08/2023 14:15

Remove the word "potential" from the thread title and you've nailed it.

Roundaboot · 31/08/2023 14:21

LadyGeorginaSmythe · 31/08/2023 11:54

I don't understand why he'd own up to a 12 year affair. Unless it's calculated to make you think "we're so close, he trusts me so much, he is revealing the absolute worst of himself to me". It's part of the game. You potentially view this awful confession in a positive light because he didn't have to tell you.
End it now. Why would a 12 year affair be over anyway? Whatever kept it going that long is probably the deceit, lies and secrecy, he gets off on that, and you're lined up to be the next "proper" relationship whilst he gets his cheap thrills elsewhere.

Yep, it's all part of the play. Love bombing and testing your boundaries by telling you the worst thing he did to see what you'll put up with.

Buildingthefuture · 31/08/2023 20:56

Just…..no. He has literally told you who he is. Believe him. He is devoid of integrity…step away!!!

Catlover100 · 01/09/2023 06:53

Seriously, I can't believe you are even asking for advice on this?!
A 12 year affair is disgusting, the contempt and disrespect he showed to his wife is unbelievable. But also to not have the guts to speak up, say he was unhappy and end the marriage instead of sneaking about behind her back tells you what sort of man he must be.
Tell him where to go, there is surely nothing he can say to excuse his behaviour although no doubt he will trot out the usual "crazy ex wife, poor me" lines.
You can do better than him.

Planesmistakenforstars · 01/09/2023 13:14

Although he is honest!!!

I doubt he's only had one affair.

Original poster

Kittykatkate83 · 24/10/2023 21:13

UPDATE...you were all correct! I stupidly kept going with him and after a few weeks he asked me to be his girlfriend and said he loved me. I then found out that not only did he have a 12 year affair he had three other affairs during the marriage and a one night stand/gave his wife an STI. Lied about where he worked, asked me to call him a nickname he previously used with another girlfriend. Total fool right here! I knew something wasn't right as his lies didn't add up so I went straight to his wife and found out everything and not only that but whilst being in bed with me he'd be texting her saying he loved her missed her etc!

OP posts:

category12 · 24/10/2023 21:18

Hope you're not too upset about it. 💐

something2say · 24/10/2023 21:23

Hello - oh God!! Well, did you kind of see it coming??

If they can do that sort of thing, they will probably do it again. Terrible man.

How upset are you? Or annoyed you wasted your time?

orangecandles · 24/10/2023 21:39

Just be thankful you only wasted weeks with this man and not years.

He was absolutely love bombing you. It's a real thing. He NEEDS someone. He doesn't look like you as a woman. He looked like you as an object.

It's vile but they exist and they are without doubt the most charming creatures to walk planet earth.

ConnieTucker · 24/10/2023 22:00

Two months. Not too bad.

next time if you need to start a thread asking if someone is a jerk, you know they are.

Cherriesandstrawberries · 24/10/2023 22:26

Run and don’t look back

Tinklyheadtilt · 24/10/2023 23:31

Eesh that's awful. That would be it for me

yellowsmileyface · 25/10/2023 07:45

Hope you're doing okay OP. As others have said, be glad you only gave a few months to this man rather than years, and chalk it up to experience. Any man who says he loves you after a few weeks is a walking red flag.