Should I tell him yet

[ReadytoMakeAChange]

So I told ‘D’H back in April that I wanted to separate. We have 2 kids together.
Due to our financial situation we’re still living together. We haven’t told the kids yet and are being amicable for their sake. Although we tend to take the kids out separately a fair bit, and my 13 year old knows that things aren’t right between us.
I want to move on but feel trapped due to not being able to afford rent, and the state of our house meaning us possibly losing money if we sell.
So we’ve been almost carrying on as normal I guess.
The thing is I’ve met someone else. I didn’t intend this to happen, and it’s only been a few weeks, but I think/hope that there’s a future in it.
I’ve had to lie when seeing him and say I’m seeing a friend, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to do so, and I actually don’t want him to be a ‘dirty secret/affair’. Despite the far from ideal circumstances, he’s happy to wait for me, and we’re taking things really slowly.
So I guess my question is should I just be honest now? Or wait until I’m sorted with somewhere else to live, which could be some time?
I know things will be really awkward if I come clean but should I just do it and deal with the consequences?.

I know there’s no real right or wrong answer, but I’m wondering if anyone has experienced this, and what did you do?

Out of the fat and into the fire!

Whilst I understand the new chap might bring you some light relief in this current mess, you are making a mammoth cock up by seeing someone else.

You and your husband need to have a sit down and a realistic talk about how you cannot continue like this and have to make a clean break and live apart.

It will be difficult going through it but when the dust settles and only them can you cast your eyes on looking for someone else.

Your children are going to need you so the very thought of meeting someone else should be a long way off.

After a few weeks you belive there is a future in it.

Believe me your h will not believe that there was no past in this relationship.

So many people will be left hurt if you come out that you have a boyfriend after weeks of ending a marriage.
It's probably exciting for now, but I would be putting that on hold until you sort your life out.

You will look like the bad penny here and might wish you'd of handled it better. Especially when it turns out that there was no future.

Also your children are going to need you. As you say you are doing this for them.
Mum and dad split up now she's got a new boyfriend. Might be hard for them to process

Do you have a plan as to how you can separate? If losing money on your house is a possibility, have you had a valuation done, or is that guesswork? If not, get it done, as it doesn't sound like you've tried to progress a physical split.
I'd also be warey of a person who willingly dates someone who is still living with their spouse, a person who is sorted and together would not entertain it, so he's not likely to be a steady rock to cling to.

No.
its not a very smart move to bring this ‘news’ into an already difficult situation. There is no gain and it’ll only make things harder.
(and a side note - i know you are desperate for some fantasy happy ending here - BUT its way too early to imagine happily ever after with a guy you barely know. )

If you want to start moving on - you need to actually start figuring out a solution to an actual separation. Just announcing that you now have a bf wont solve you real issues.
And it’ll sour it all for your kids - as divorce in their eyes would be linked to you meeting someone and leaving their father.

Put your family first here. What do you think the coparenting relationship with your husband (STBX or not) will be like if you're involved with someone else and haven't even moved out?

Your children deserve as peaceful a transition as you can possibly make it for them. To feel that they are the priority to both of you. Your 13-year-old already senses something is wrong. What kind of message will it send to her and the others that you didn't have enough restraint to wait to end things before starting something else.

A good coparenting relationship requires treating each other with respect. Now and later. Please choose the responsible decision to make your DC your priority right now. Your own love life can and most definitely should wait until the trauma and upheaval is over. Give your dc the gift of knowing they'll be safe and that their parents will continue loving them. When they look back on this later, they shouldn't have to deal with doubts about why and when the marriage ended.

Children are a gift to be treasured. Please let yours know they are by putting them first and keeping your focus on them. You don't have any idea of the hurt and damage they could suffer if you don't.

Ask me how I know.

Absolutely terrible idea. And your kids will hate you.

No, a Pandora's box awaits. He's said he'll wait for you so sort your situ out out first. Your DH won't believe you weren't with this guy before and neither will your kids. Just way more messy that it needs to be.

Honestly don't complicate an already difficult time. If this bloke says he'll wait, take him at his word and don't see him till everything else is sorted.
Of course you're desperate for some happiness but you have to be smart here. Ffs put it on hold.
For your own sake so you can make sure this won't be out of the frying pan into the fire.
And apart from that your H will twig eventually and the narrative will change to @ReadytoMakeAChange "has been having an affair"

Put your children first and put this man on hold.

Honestly stop monkey branching, you don’t need a crutch, your children need a mum not obsessed by the new guy to navigate this new normal safely and securely.

If it’s meant to be he will wait, preferably a long time!

I don’t know why you went looking or even contemplated getting into a new relationship when you are still living with your husband and haven’t even told your children. You need to end it and focus on dismantling the family and helping your children through the transition first.

This and what everyone else has said.

Don't you want some time on your own to figure out what you want for yourself without leapfrogging from one man to another? Whats wrong with getting your housing situation sorted and settling your children into their new normal before you start thinking about 'boys' again? Are you really so desperate to not be on your own?

This is one of the most ridiculous and selfish things I've read on here.

I think you need to put a hold on this relationship and if it is meant to continue in the future then it will.
You are likely longing for contact and admiration from another man so it's difficult to really know if this person is right for you just yet so it's best to fully sort out your current marriage separation, your kids, new living arrangements before you step into something new.

I started to separate last October and officially told my husband that I felt it was permanent in January this year.
I miss physical touch with a male (a hug, a kiss, hand holding etc) but it took almost 7 months for him to be in a place that we were able to tell the kids, we still live together but have started mediation and will be selling our home. Yet we are so far off and in my head, until we are living separately it isnt right to start a full blown relationship with someone else as it is just too complex and doesn't give the kids the security that they need right now.

It’s only been a few weeks, you don’t need to think about this right now. It could all go south very quickly. Don’t rush into anything.

Do you care about your future relationship with your H and your children? Your post suggests that you don’t.
Focus on a ‘good ending’ to your marriage, talk to H about next steps, when you’re going to tell the children, logistics etc.

OP I think you are getting a lot of moralising here - you have been separated for 5 months and I am willing to bet things before that were not good for quite sometime - get some legal advice and work out how to move things forward - personally I would also tell your husband you think it would be OK if you both can see other people - I would be very surprised if he hasn't at least thought about it ..However I would not tell the kids about the new man which may or may not amount to anything. I would tell them about the separation though.

Thank you, for not being super judgey like everyone else.
This is of course not easy for me at all. Our marriage has not been a happy one for a long time, and my husband has not treated me well.
It’s been over 4 months since we separated and not a few weeks, but people don’t like to to read properly do they.
The kids are 100% my top priority and always will be. It’s really not fair people saying I don’t care about them, but this is a public forum so I guess I should expect it!
I do know this other man, so he’s not a complete stranger. I totally didn’t go out looking for someone else/a bit of excitement. Not a lot has actually happened, but yes we both want it to.
I personally do know other people who have ended a marriage/relationship to be with someone else, so I’m not going to take onboard that I’m a nasty horrible person who has no clue what they’re doing. I’m really not.
Anyway, thanks for all the (not really horrible) replies, and of course regretting a late night decision to post on here for advice. Lol.

Have a great day everyone.

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense.

Perhaps getting her housing situation sorted requires someone to share the rent if she leaves, just as if she stays. A sadly common situation.

@ReadytoMakeAChange glad I could help

OP, your husband has not treated you well?

I would fear he would weaponise this information to hurt you and the children, would tell people what YOU have done and use this to really mess your children up.

Don't give him the chance to hurt your children and yourself.

If this relationship is real, it will survive waiting until things are official.

Tell your children the truth and focus on getting your housing situation sorted.

Until then, not a word would be my advice.

I think you would very quickly regret it and the upset and drama would likely cause you to end things any and you would be wondering why you bothered.

Keep your powder dry and your business to yourself.

People understand it’s months since you split with your husband, you said it was weeks since you met the new guy. No one seems confused.

You haven’t told your children so in that sense the split isn’t official and while you may have been unhappy for some time and emotionally detaching, your children are already unsettled but don’t know exactly why, and they have the whole process to go through which only starts once you tell them and start living separately.

You asked for advice and have been very defensive seeing offence where there isn’t any.

If things are complicated now they’ll get much worse by bringing someone else into it. I’d have thought that was obvious. Tell him and you give him a stick to beat you with, to your kids and anyone else who doesn’t yet know you’ve told him it’s over between you.

I think you just have to do what you have to do. It is really far too soon to be with someone else. I say this from personal experience. It’s a distraction and filling a need that hasn’t been met by your husband for some time. I totally get what is driving u. I did it too, well not when we lived together I consent have done rhat I don’t think. But dated someone as soon as husband left. I had a great 4 mints of sura tin and it made me happy to stabilise try kids BUT the grieving for the failed marriage and divorce navigation came eventually and it got me hard. In fact 2 years on I’m still feeling it. That relationship didn’t work out, it was doomed due to me rushing into it I think.

it is totally the wrong time to be dating, even if u tell yourself it’s gojnf slow ect. This is such an upheaval for u DH and kids. Don’t mix a new man in…. I wish to god I didn’t. It’s rediculous looking back now tbh.x
but I really do get eith is motivating u and yes it helped me survive the early days and it helped me find myself again. Work out what I needed from a man next time. But if my ex husband still lived with us and we had all that shit to sort out I wouldn’t have done it and def wouldn’t have told anyone. It could make the separation and financial agreement so much more complicated.

good luck, it’s a hard journey but u will come out the other side. U will feel loved again and get all that was missing…. Just make sure it’s the right time. XX

I don’t think anyone has said that you’re a ‘nasty and horrible’ person. Posters are just highlighting the risks that you’ll be seen as the bad guy if all this news comes out at the same time for your children.