To think it's hard living with an negative partner?

ILoveH2O · 2023-08-30T22:48:13+00:00

Edit: a negative partner 9 years with DP and I don't know what to do anymore. DP has always been a bit of a homebody but it was never a problem for us as she (we're both women if it matters) used to be able to do "normal" things outside. During lockdown she became nocturnal and would spend hours and hours every night scrolling through reddit and Instagram and getting herself all worked up over various issues. Lockdown passed and this behaviour never stopped. She now reads something and in the morning (before she goes to bed) I'm treated to a rant about how the world is shit/everyone is awful. We used to go to this lovely coffee shop together 2-3 times a week but now I go there by myself because she hates being around people and she hates noise. She no longer walks the dog with me too. We can't go on holidays together anymore because everything is "boring", "bad", and "you can just google pictures of it why go through all the hassle". I tried to get her to see our GP or go for counselling (or couple's counselling if she prefers) because surely this isolation and negativity isn't healthy but she is adamant that the world is now a "cesspit" and that everything's only going to get worse. She wasn't like this. I don't know if it's rose-tinted glasses but we had the best years ever and a part of me still wishes that the old her would come back. :( I still see that side of her sometimes when we're watching movies on the sofa but all it takes is one poor casting and I have to hear the rants and complaints again.

RhymesWithTangerine · 30/08/2023 23:56

Poor you. Also, poor her.

I am no doctor but she sounds ill. It would be impossible for anyone to live with this negativity and be unaffected. She needs to take serious steps to becoming healthy again.

easilydistracted1 · 31/08/2023 00:01

Well this can't carry on. This is so sad. She must surely realise something is wrong? You have to talk about it. Then probably she needs individual counselling and you both need couples counselling. Is she motivated to do any of this and committed to the relationship. Does she have a relationship with the dog. Also maybe an obvious question, but is she at an age where it could be the peri menopause/ menopause given the big change in character?

UnRavellingFast · 31/08/2023 00:06

Sorry to hear that. It must be miserable for both of you in different ways. However, your own life has value and meaning, and maybe she needs to jolt of a serious discussion explaining you can’t go on like this, how things have changed and counselling is a must if the rs is to survive. Could you show her this thread?

thecatinthetwat · 31/08/2023 00:13

Oh op, this is sad. It sounds like she’s on a slippery slope but does she recognise this? Either she recognises the issues and you work together or she doesn’t and you drift apart.

mrsfollowill · 31/08/2023 00:16

If she sleeps all day does she work? It sounds very difficult and if she goes to bed as you get up that's not right- it's like she has opted out of real life and is living some odd night-time half life. Do you go out and socialise? out for a meal /drink with friends or just the two of you. By keeping on doing this she is moving further away from reality- do you want to leave? I would - it's no way to live and not fair on you and not healthy for her.

Original poster

ILoveH2O · 31/08/2023 00:20

easilydistracted1 · 31/08/2023 00:01

Well this can't carry on. This is so sad. She must surely realise something is wrong? You have to talk about it. Then probably she needs individual counselling and you both need couples counselling. Is she motivated to do any of this and committed to the relationship. Does she have a relationship with the dog. Also maybe an obvious question, but is she at an age where it could be the peri menopause/ menopause given the big change in character?

I wish I could drag her to the GP or to counselling but I can't. Every time I bring it up she just tells me that the problem is with the state of the world not her and then she sends me links to reddit threads as a sort of gotcha that her viewpoint is the "common" one. We're mid 30s.

OP posts:

MaryJanesonabreak · 31/08/2023 00:25

She is really, really ill.
Get some counselling for yourself so you have some support navigating through this difficult time. You don’t need to know the likely outcome or goal, it just would be good for you to be less isolated.

Original poster

ILoveH2O · 31/08/2023 00:37

mrsfollowill · 31/08/2023 00:16

If she sleeps all day does she work? It sounds very difficult and if she goes to bed as you get up that's not right- it's like she has opted out of real life and is living some odd night-time half life. Do you go out and socialise? out for a meal /drink with friends or just the two of you. By keeping on doing this she is moving further away from reality- do you want to leave? I would - it's no way to live and not fair on you and not healthy for her.

Her work is project based and done alone so as long as she hands it in on time there's no set hours she has to adhere to.

Opting out of real life is how I feel about it.

Her life is basically completely online now—her friends are online friends, every encounter she talks about isn't something that happened to her but something that happened to someone online... The funny/sad thing is that she's actually happy when she games and hangs out with all her online friends on voice chat. They hang out for hours every single night and somedays I feel like they know the "new" her better than I do.

OP posts:

GreyCarpet · 31/08/2023 08:29

I have no advice but you are basically describing my exhusband! He now wfh full time, doesn't go out, doesn't see his friends. Our children say he is very negative and critical of anyone who does anything and goes anywhere. He spends his free time talking (arguing) with people online and shows the children examples of times when he feels he's dealt a damning blow to someone over the Internet!

I think lockdown affected some people mentally in quite unexpected ways.

I have no advice but I'm amazed (and don't understand how) his wife puts up with it tbh

A friend of my partner's is also similar. They were shielding as his wife was clinicaly vulnerable but now she has gone back to life as normal and he still won't leave the house due to anxieties that locldown created in him.

I wonder if your partner's aggression towards the world is her way of justifying never going anywhere because of fear/anxiety created by lockdown too.

My exh and my partner's friend also won't seek help for it because the problem lies 'out there' and not with them.

GreyCarpet · 31/08/2023 08:36

I'd imagine there must be many people whose lives became completely 'indoors' over lockdown who have struggled to reconnect with the outside world.

Original poster

ILoveH2O · 31/08/2023 12:31

GreyCarpet · 31/08/2023 08:29

I have no advice but you are basically describing my exhusband! He now wfh full time, doesn't go out, doesn't see his friends. Our children say he is very negative and critical of anyone who does anything and goes anywhere. He spends his free time talking (arguing) with people online and shows the children examples of times when he feels he's dealt a damning blow to someone over the Internet!

I think lockdown affected some people mentally in quite unexpected ways.

I have no advice but I'm amazed (and don't understand how) his wife puts up with it tbh

A friend of my partner's is also similar. They were shielding as his wife was clinicaly vulnerable but now she has gone back to life as normal and he still won't leave the house due to anxieties that locldown created in him.

I wonder if your partner's aggression towards the world is her way of justifying never going anywhere because of fear/anxiety created by lockdown too.

My exh and my partner's friend also won't seek help for it because the problem lies 'out there' and not with them.

Is my DP online friends with your exH!

A few mornings ago I was talking about going to the coffee shop to try out the new seasonal drink I saw on their Facebook page. She started telling me this story about how the baristas will often give customers full fat milk instead of 2% milk out of spite. I was quite sceptical because our local place is lovely with lovely staff. Turns out she was talking about a post from bloody reddit posted by someone in Germany. What does that have to do with our coffee shop!!

She's so negative and bitter and constantly feels hard done by. I snuck a peek at some of the Internet forums she's been on and everyone has the same outlook as her so I think she thinks it's "normal" now to be like this.

I wonder if your partner's aggression towards the world is her way of justifying never going anywhere because of fear/anxiety created by lockdown too.

I wonder this too. She has a lot of anxiety and I think complaining and being condescending about "normies" (no ASD but apparently in the "online" world that's the word they use to describe people who don't think the world has gone to shit) makes her feel better.

Maybe I'm naive in thinking that we can go back to how it was.

OP posts:

Dolores87 · 31/08/2023 13:44

She sounds depressed.

But she need to engage with things to help herself as tbh it is unfair for you to be expected to live with this long term if she isn't even going to try

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2023 13:49

I think you need to ask yourself how long you want to stay if things never improve? She’s not going to flip a switch and get better.

user1497207191 · 31/08/2023 13:53

This kind of thing seems now very common due to the expansion of the internet, made worse with covid lockdowns etc.

My son is showing signs of similar. He started Uni in 2020, so had the first Uni year entirely online, not allowed to leave his flat at times, no "in person" teaching at Uni, nothing to got out for, even when they were allowed (Uni bars/shops etc closed far longer than during lockdowns). His second year was slightly better but still pretty limiting with most teaching still online and Uni not really fully open.

He spends a lot of time chatting online with "friends" he's never met in person, watching all kinds of inane crap on the internet, lots of conspiracy theories, etc.

Thing is that he absolutely loves it when he meets his friends in real life, but it's a real struggle to get him up and out there. This Summer has been awful, staying up online all night and sleeping most of the day. Unless he's actually going out, to say a football match, he just lazes around.

We're really glad he starts a "proper" job next week and hope it will get him out of his twilight lifestyle. Unfortunately, the job is part WFH, but we've tried to emphasise to him to just go to walk as often as possible, even if not required to go in, just to get him out of his flat, meeting people in real life, etc., and of course, the clincher is pointing out to him he has to pay for heating and lighting his flat on WFH days, so it's cheaper for him to go to work and use their power!

Covid and WFH have really screwed a lot of people.

Epidote · 31/08/2023 14:26

She may be losing contact with the real stuff because of all the time she spends on internet during night and sleeping on day time.

I lost contact with real stuff in the pandemic, because I was working from home and taking care of a baby at the same time. Day after day over two years. I was determined not to go back to the office after because I thought my little life at home suited me. And I realised that I was suffering anxiety and some mild kind of depression after, because those changes I thought were ok, were in fact not that ok as I thought. Took me time to go back to myself and I'm still not 100%. I'm also a homebody.

This may be happening to her too. Quite a lot of people had it. Isolation can make us ill.

Original poster

ILoveH2O · 31/08/2023 15:03

Epidote · 31/08/2023 14:26

She may be losing contact with the real stuff because of all the time she spends on internet during night and sleeping on day time.

I lost contact with real stuff in the pandemic, because I was working from home and taking care of a baby at the same time. Day after day over two years. I was determined not to go back to the office after because I thought my little life at home suited me. And I realised that I was suffering anxiety and some mild kind of depression after, because those changes I thought were ok, were in fact not that ok as I thought. Took me time to go back to myself and I'm still not 100%. I'm also a homebody.

This may be happening to her too. Quite a lot of people had it. Isolation can make us ill.

You don't have to answer this if it's too intrusive but was there something that made you realise that things were not as ok as you thought?

I've tried a variety of things but nothing seems to work. She loves Taylor Swift so I managed to get tickets for her show in London next year. She doesn't even want to go to that because she thinks concerts are now a waste of time because everyone will be out with their phones anyway, also, "crowds". Have tried lots of smaller, just us 2 type of things too but nothing works.

OP posts:

Epidote · 31/08/2023 15:35

@ILoveH2O for me was two major events that makes me realise. Once the lack of skills to interact with other people when my daughter started nursery. I was literally not wanting to say even good morning to anyone because people is weird, I don't like people and so and so. And later on when my dad got poorly with cancer and I knew that what I had was just a deluded version of me. Being an introvert is one thing but that was way too much.

It is a very difficult situation for you as you are trying to help her but I didn't knew I needed help till I realised later on.
No easy advice I'm afraid. The change has to come form her.