I love my husband but I can't parent with him

[Ohbother]

I have 2 sons, 10 and 12. 10 yrs old on waiting list for adhd assessment. 12 yr old on waiting list for asd assessment. Both very verbal and articulate, fight a lot, our house has lots of shouting mainly from them. Ds2 is v loving but totally hyperactive and has no sense of boundaries. Ds1 is more contained, masks a lot outside home and then vents with us. DH and I have struggled a lot over the years but pre-covid it wasn't so bad as we had lots of help from his parents. They're older now and can't do as much, which is fine of course, but it has changed things. Me and DH have had family counselling to help with parenting for a couple of years. It's helped but I feel it's reached the end of the road as me and DH just don't seem to be a team in the way we used to be.

We're on much-longed for, expensive holiday. We picked a place with lots of activities for the kids so that they'd be occupied amd we could have a break. Maybe my hopes were too high, but I am just miserable. DH seems to have totally switched off, he's not playing or being fun with the kids at all. All the conversation is me and the kids and he's just there with one airpod in, not paying attention. He signed up for some sport so he's been off on that for 3 hours every morning (ok, kids have been intheir club). But then if one of the kids wants to sign out in the afternoon he's super grumpy and just leaving them to me to play with and entertain. He's furious that they want to play games on their phones a lot, but the only time he'll spend with them is gaming with them. It's just like being at home except we're all sharing a room.

At home things are up and down. We both work a lot, money has suddenly become tight due to our mortgage going up, we are still comfortable so not complaining but it's been a bit of a shock. Kids are hard work, ds 2 has a lot of problems at school which I deal with, ds1 has a lot of meltdowns which I deal with as DH can't stay calm whereas I usually can. DH does more around the house than me, he keeps things running there although I still do my share. Basically I do all the emotional and thinking/planning work, and he does most of the physical stuff. I'm exhausted. I can't carry on living this rollercoaster existence with no support from him. I just don't know what to do or how to fix it. I love him, and without parenting in the mix we get on brilliantly. But all we do is parent, and work, and it's miserable.

Yes. This.

We also have a child who is awaiting assessment, and I think it makes such a difference. I do all the emotional labour really, for all of the children, but mostly for the ?ND child.

I anticipate what will set who off, what will relax them, how to adjust and accommodate each meal/outing/explanation/discussion to best suit each child. I mediate their relationships with me, with each other, with DH, with wider family and with their friends. I take the brunt of every disappointment and tantrum and worry they each have. I am 99% certain that DH knows nothing of what this is or why I do it or how I do it. The only time he sees me doing it is when I get it wrong or I get myself tangled up in all the considerations and then he quite clearly thinks I'm mad for even considering this stuff.

I am lonely. We function well as team mates or colleagues running a house and family. We don't fight, but we're both so worn out by the daily work of meals and work and logistics and behaviour management that there's nothing left for us. People say to go out for dinner! I can't do that because I can't be bothered to arrange for someone to look after the kids, manage the kids into the evening, mop up the emotional fallout from one child who will spend the next month reminding me and everyone else that I abandoned them to go out for dinner. And then the actually dinner would be the worst bit of it all, because 2 hours sat opposite each other with no kids would highlight that we have nothing to talk about except the kids and the logistics and the DIY. I don't work at the moment and he's not interested in hearing about my (few) friends or local news I learn while out and about, and he's not interested in telling me about his work or anything else.

We were best friends for a very long time. But now I don't even know him. All we seem to have in common is the hard stuff of the kids - we can't even share the fun stuff of the kids really because they're rarely fun when they're all together and if they're split then we're each with one set of kids and not together to see the nice bits.

It sounds like you have a whole spectrum of neurodivergence running through your family? It sounds to me like there’s a huge level of overwhelm going on for both of you.

You say you’ve had counselling but maybe some ND focused coaching would help more. Finding ways of organising, managing and being that work with our brain types are life changing.

Ime men are much better at prioritising their needs than we are; often we push ours down so deep we barely register them.

Him opting out, wearing earphones, not listening, could be a defensive strategy. I’m not defending him but seeing his through a neurotypical lens won’t get you to a solution.

Carrying the emotional labour load is fucking enormous and entirely invisible. And when you’re staggering under it, it’s impossible to see how to reduce it, or articulate it. That’s where someone like an adhd coach might help.

In case I sound like I have my shit together: I don’t. Muddling through similar issues in my house but feel like I’m slowly gaining traction since I’ve recognised that we’re all neurodivergent and coming from that perspective

Thanks everyone. We had a long talk over breakfast this morning, left the kids snoozing in the room. That helped and I feel more on the same page, at least for today.

I like the idea of counselling/coaching from a ND perspective, although at the moment none of us actually has any diagnosis and surely that would be the first step?

Hi OP. I relate so much for your post. Don't have time for a full reply. But just to say you are absolutely not alone. I have read lots of books and other resources about autism and ADHD, and parenting neurodiverse children, and I encourage DH to read them too but he doesn't really do it. When I explain the strategies and the reasoning behind them, he understands and agrees, but then seems unable to actually put them into practice. I find myself having the same conversation with him over and over. On top of parenting the children, it's exhausting. The children prefer me - very vocally! - which he finds upsetting but I struggle to have much sympathy tbh. I mean I am sympathetic to a degree but also very frustrated that he doesn't see the very obvious connection between his parenting and his relationship with the kids. FFS!!

I'm hoping once we have a diagnosis we will be offered an autism/ADHD specific parenting course and that might help. Possibly!

As regards the going to play, I'd have said have you asked your Dad being as he was at the table with him. Or do you get final say on parenting matters?

I had similar. I’m AuDHD (late diagnosis for both). Strongly suspect DD is, no-one will agree to assess her because she’s ‘high functioning’ 🙄 Now XH did question if he had ADHD, I don’t know if he ever went for an assessment.

I do wonder if your DH has some ND tendencies from what you’ve said. The ‘zoning out’, unpredictability.. It puts a strain on your relationship, especially when one of you ends up doing most of the life admin. I know XH grew to resent me. Sad fact. We are civil now, he’s not easy to co-parent with. I do find it tough to be a single parent. It’s the pressure of it all falling to me. I lean on my Dad a lot. Dd doesn’t like going to her Dad’s - it’s a busy home (he moved in with his new partner and her teenage kids quite quickly). But it’s easier than living under XH’s cloud of doom all the time.

In terms of the counselling, I find more and more people are understanding of neurodivergence and many don’t need a clear diagnosis to support you. Worth looking into what’s available locally both for your marriage and your kids.

have one child who is neurodiverse & challenging and we split (he left)
this left pretty much everything to me while he went with OW and started a new family

definitely get counselling, try to find a way through, and if not then negotiate a split where he takes on enough of the responsibility of parenting for you to have a life too

Well, I thought that after we talked this morning then today might be better but no. He dropped off ds2 at the club, left his phone number (as I'd said I'd been dealing with any calls this week) and then deliberately left his phone in the room 'to switch off'. So I get the call asking for ds2's medpack (he has allergies), which DH hadn't thought to take. His attitude is all 'if DS2 knows we'ee not available then he wont maither us'. But of course, it doesnt work like thay does it? Then later on, ds1 signs himself out of his club after having an argument, he's amusing himself perfectly happily, but this puts DH into a thunder and so he's just sulking now. I had to go back to our room as I need to get out of the sun, so I am stuck now dealing with stroppy DS1, while DH has just gone to the beach in order to avoid us all. I fucking hate being here, I want to go home but I have an incredibly stressful few weeks at work coming up so I'm dreading going home.

I told DH this morning that I'm exhausted, something has to give, I have all these things I have to do and organise and I can't do it allmyself. Fair enough he says, tell me what you need and I'll do it etc etc. I say that we need to make a change to enable us (me) to support the kids through the next few years. He says, we just need to ride it out and expect its going to be tough then hopefully it'll get better when they're a bit older. I said, you're not hearing me, I can't do that for the next 6-8 years. He just sighed and said nothing. Gah. I feel like a coiled spring.

Yikes! Giving your emergency number then deliberately leaving your phone behind is very poor dadding.

Passive aggressive, one might say?

Yeah. In his mind they have both our numbers, I have my phone on me, so it's fine. And he just wants to pass on responsibility to someone else so he can 'relax'. And he thinks I should just be able to do the same. He isn't willing to face that he can only do that because of me. Or that our children are not actually the full responsibility of the teenage kids club leaders.

Based on your latest updates, I'd be furious with "D"H. He's being completely selfish even after you explained that you need a break too.
It sounds as if he is desperate for a break from the kids and he is therefore doing his activity or ignoring them. It doesn't work like that, as you well know and as most good parents know. Tbh you are very lucky that your kids will go to holiday club at all - my DS (suspected AuDHD) outright refuses so we're stuck with him 24/7 on holiday. We have to divide and conquer and allow screens more than we'd like to get a break. We did have some success with enforced rest/quiet time with his audio player and audiobooks, but that's obviously no help to you right now - something for future maybe if they'd be interested.

I hear that you're miserable and I understand why. I think now the priority needs to be damage limitation for the rest of the holiday, lower your expectations and try and get DH to lower his too, try and find some way of agreeing on down time for you as well as him - proper down time. If he won't do it, personally I'd be looking at earlier flights home tbh or booking a separate room for myself preferably in a different hotel.

We only have till Saturday morning so I'll stick it out. Yes, I knew the clubs would be hit or miss and so far we've been able to get them to go and enjoy it about 50% of the time. For me that's a win, but for DH he's fixed on them going to all the sessions and if they don't want to he's getting cross.

This resonated with me, OP: He says, we just need to ride it out and expect its going to be tough then hopefully it'll get better when they're a bit older.

This is not the case for us as a family. DS1 is 20 now and the saying , "Big kids, bigger problems." has been true for us with police involvement (big public arrest outside of our house due to a road rage incident.) and DS1 being lucky to hold onto his job with its great prospects.
Not to alarm you unnecessarily; you are getting your DS assessed far earlier than we did as knowledge of ADHD was not as widely circulated** when DS was little. We have only just, as a result of DS's behaviour, paid to have him assessed and treated. It's working, he's a lovely young man now he is sorted, but there were times when DH and I were hanging by a thread.
I hope the rest of your holiday is lovely and you can just make DH go with the flow. It's a holiday, not a regime x

Ok so you have one more day tomorrow. Can you tell your DH that he has to be on duty for just one day - keeping his phone with him with the sound on - while you relax elsewhere and leave your phone in the safe?

It might be a disaster for DH and the children but I think you need to step back and take some time for yourself as a priority. This is your holiday too and the resentment will eat away at you if DH doesn't enable you to have any time off duty.

I could have written this too.

Oh blimey op,sorry your optimism was misplaced. Mine was too, after our conversation yesterday.

He was all optimistic that he really does care and will show us. Then this morning one of the kids was ill and he assumed I'd be able to WFH, which I rarely can and couldn't. So all 3 wanted to stay at home and he arranged to WFH (which he nearly always can). So he ignored them all day except for "checking up on them" between meetings. And when I got back they were tearing strips out of each other following 4h of TV. He didnt deal with it. I sent them to the park with him. But he continued not to deal with it. And then eventually I gave him a hard time for being totally drippy with them, and he had a massive temper at us all and stomped off. So everyone got even more upset and carried on tearing strips out of each other.

So now we are sitting in separate rooms...

Im WFH tomorrow (admittedly not last minute.) And I have got a huge list of possible activities for them to work through to keep them positivily engaged all day. Which I will do with them too where needed.

He has got them Monday/ Tuesday next week because I am on a course. He assured me he would easily manage it....

Your DH sounds hard work OP. I'd be asking him why can't he be bothered with his own children and why was he stopping your DC from going to the play area? Can you take take your DC out somewhere tomorrow and leave grumpy pants back at hotel?

Well this morning both kids have skipped off to their clubs very enthusiastically as there will be sailing today so they were very keen. DH is doing the final morning of his sport thing for a couple of hours, so I'm having a slow breakfast and enjoying the peace. We went out for dinner last night and the kids had a film night with the club leaders which all went well. Had another long chat and he's agreed that we need some kind of help - I suggested a 'couples life coach' which he thought was a great idea.

Sigh, it's so complicated isn't it? He is hard work. He's also loving, affectionate, hardworking in and out of the home, and incredibly loyal to me, and all his loved ones. I just want to shake him sometimes because I can see how we can make things better and I just need him to join me.