I love my husband but I can't parent with him

[Ohbother]

I have 2 sons, 10 and 12. 10 yrs old on waiting list for adhd assessment. 12 yr old on waiting list for asd assessment. Both very verbal and articulate, fight a lot, our house has lots of shouting mainly from them. Ds2 is v loving but totally hyperactive and has no sense of boundaries. Ds1 is more contained, masks a lot outside home and then vents with us. DH and I have struggled a lot over the years but pre-covid it wasn't so bad as we had lots of help from his parents. They're older now and can't do as much, which is fine of course, but it has changed things. Me and DH have had family counselling to help with parenting for a couple of years. It's helped but I feel it's reached the end of the road as me and DH just don't seem to be a team in the way we used to be.

We're on much-longed for, expensive holiday. We picked a place with lots of activities for the kids so that they'd be occupied amd we could have a break. Maybe my hopes were too high, but I am just miserable. DH seems to have totally switched off, he's not playing or being fun with the kids at all. All the conversation is me and the kids and he's just there with one airpod in, not paying attention. He signed up for some sport so he's been off on that for 3 hours every morning (ok, kids have been intheir club). But then if one of the kids wants to sign out in the afternoon he's super grumpy and just leaving them to me to play with and entertain. He's furious that they want to play games on their phones a lot, but the only time he'll spend with them is gaming with them. It's just like being at home except we're all sharing a room.

At home things are up and down. We both work a lot, money has suddenly become tight due to our mortgage going up, we are still comfortable so not complaining but it's been a bit of a shock. Kids are hard work, ds 2 has a lot of problems at school which I deal with, ds1 has a lot of meltdowns which I deal with as DH can't stay calm whereas I usually can. DH does more around the house than me, he keeps things running there although I still do my share. Basically I do all the emotional and thinking/planning work, and he does most of the physical stuff. I'm exhausted. I can't carry on living this rollercoaster existence with no support from him. I just don't know what to do or how to fix it. I love him, and without parenting in the mix we get on brilliantly. But all we do is parent, and work, and it's miserable.

No advice but just to say you're not alone in your situation! Solidarity!

Thanks @Zampa . I'm hiding in our room right now having had to leave the restaurant or I would have broken down in tears. I went to get a slice of pizza, came back and ds2 asked if he could go to the play area. I said yes and immediately DH snapped at me that he'd already said no. Why? Why say no? And why not tell me that when DS asked the question instead of waiting for my response? All I wanted was some fucking pizza. Its so trivial but its been like that for days, DH just says no to things for no apparent reason then I'm being unsupportive if I disagree or don't read his mind.

Oh so much 💯 from here too. I wanted to write this post but I am just too tired....

Random "no's". So many "I didn't know" because he doesn't listen to anything. Doesn't pick up on chit chat and doesn't listen to conversations he is part of. Phone blanks him out completely and he plays some stupid game all the time. Which annoys me when I spend my phone time trying to find out about autism, dyslexia etc to help my DC.

He does some stuff around the house, but goes off piste easily. So forgets what we agreed easfor supper etc. Or doesn't cook promptly.

And almost the worst bit for me is that he doesn't much play with the kids because he just doesn't think to. So I do all entertainment or thinking about entertainment - shall we play a game, go on a bike ride etc. He comes along, but he never actually says he is interested in doing something. It all falls to me.

That got long.

Oh and also agree it is ok without the kids, but it never is without them as arranging date nights also falls to me. He never says "oh I fancy xx restaurant" etc.

@unlikelychump yep yep yep to all of that. I am starting to dislike him and I never thought that could happen. But its really hard to feel warm and fuzzy about someone who is so checked out of so many things. The thing is, I know he cares deeply about me and the kids. But he's just not able to deal with them so he just disengages from all of us.

I went to get a slice of pizza, came back and ds2 asked if he could go to the play area. I said yes and immediately DH snapped at me that he'd already said no. Why? Why say no? And why not tell me that when DS asked the question instead of waiting for my response?

Have you asked him why he did this? It's very, and very deliberately, manipulative. He is quite clearly gunning for a fight. He's literally manufacturing one.

I would be fucking furious.

Honestly I just don't think he was really paying attention. He doesn't have form for being manipulative at all. If anything he is frustratingly literal, with zero subtext.

So much understanding and solidarity here. I have 2 DS who are much younger but DS1 on waiting list for ASD and DS2 v hyper.

DH can be v playful and fun but if he's tired or something gets tough - he either loses his cool, shouts, or just disengaged. Today I've come home and the kids have been looked after by a nanny all day (despite DH being home as he's a teacher on hols) and he's had them for 3 hours by hismekf and he's rolling his eyes and complaining they're are doing puzzles and making mess. Two hyper pre school boys sitting down to do a puzzle- he should be jumping for joy but he's just focused on the mess!

I'm not sure I do love him. Its good you feel there is love still there. I feel thats crucial. For me there is an unkindness and selfishness I handy seen before. I would leave but I can't bear the kids spending 50% of their lives with someone who acts like they're a massive pain in the arse

I don't know the answer. I had a similar sounding holiday 4 weeks ago. Me hiding in the loo to cry. Him staring off into the distance. Miserable. And I saved for months. Booked it all. Packed etc etc.

If it was up to me it would be me and the boys doing life alone. But that will never be an option. I feel so dreadfully trapped.

Exactly. I can't be arsed with it now. And I have discussed it with him til I am blue in the face and nothing has changed, so where do you go.
I am worried that the kids are seeing it now, and they have picked up on my tone too, when I am just like when he is completely off base

See, with my dh he isn't gunning for a fight really. He just says the first answer that comes into his head and then gets annoyed when everyone thinks he is unreasonable. Which I get, because I undermine him the whole bloody time, because he does such stupid stuff.

Like - wouldn't let dd touch the car radio when she was upgraded to the front seat age 11.
Or ds7 said no thanks to grated cheese on his baked potato when dh offered him one, and dh added it anyway... (tonight supper).

I am really torn. We live in London and have a lot of equity in our house. We could move north to be near family, and reduce/eliminate mortgage, and I could stop work for a while as we get kids sorted. It would be a huge wrench as we love where we live, but it would free us up financially and I would find it easier to manage the mental/emotional load if I wasn't also doing a very challenging job. Or, we split up, both downsize where we are, financially it would be hard for both of us but probably doable. Or we just limp on and hope it gets better. I really love him and he loves me, but I can't carry on being this exhausted and walking on eggshells all the time.

@unlikelychump it's like your dh and my dh are twins. Last week he made a pasta dish he likes. When meal planning I said, oh the kids don't like that, he said OK, I'll do pasta and tomato sauce for them. Great. Fast forward 3 days to him cooking, he makes the dish for all of us. DS1 won't eat it and asks why we'd give him food we know he doesn't like (he's not particularly fussy). DH sulks for the next hour, until i remind him of the conversation we'd had andnhe remembers and feels bad for being moody. He just forgot, then blamed DS for being difficult.

I have 3 dc - one with Add, 2 with ASD. We are getting a divorce. We have been together for 30 years and we love each other but all of the things you are describing have chiselled away at being in love. I can no longer be the he only one responsible for the emotional life of our family. I cannot look after another person especially another adult when my DCs need do much of me. It’s sad but also there is freedom in separating. My ex husband is responsible for his relationships with his DCs and he has to step up to make that work.

Hate to be the one to point it out, but the DH sounds like he could be on the spectrum himself, unable to change once he’s got a plan in mind, getting overwhelmed and going mute almost.

And the vacant look you describe. Where is he?? Where has he gone?

I agree, he loves us all so much, but he seems paralysed by his life and doesn't seem to be able to work through it. I can't imagine he is happy either, but it is him who needs to take responsibility for that.

@Twilight7777 entirely possible. I am also awaiting assessment for asd, partly because I exhibited almost exactly the same behaviours as ds1 growing up. One of the reasons me and DH work(ed) so well is we are very similar when it comes to special interests, alone/decompression time, sensory stuff etc. However I am much more emotionally aware than him and he is totally time-blind whereas I cannot bear surprises or sudden changes so am the planner and forward thinker in our family. I definitely share some of the blame for our current situation, but I hate feeling like I'm alone on trying to get us out of it.

Close to tears reading this as just recently separated with my husband for same reasons essentially, but was struggling to even articulate that as well as you in my own head x

My husband loves Lego so he would spend hours and hours doing Lego with the kids husband still asks for Lego at Christmas! I hated Lego but loved doing arts and crafts and watching all the cartoon films. Husband has a bad back so it was always me on the water slides and rollercoasters. Sometimes this would piss me off as hurtling down mega fast water slides or dangling upside down is not my idea of fun but I just accepted if I didn’t do it then the kids would not. Maybe your husband just needs to find something him and the boys can enjoy together and build on that. I think you need to stop hiding how you are feeling and let him know exactly what is upsetting you if he still wants to work on it then it’s down to him.

@Anselve so sorry to hear that but glad you are finding your own path. I feel there is still a lot of hope for me and DH, but something has to give.

Yep, l can relate to this. I’m totally sick of doing all the thinking and planning. I’m going back to work after maternity shortly and l know it will be just the same level of input required from me. But less time and energy to do it in. He just seems to want to disappear into his phone and play chess whilst being in some kind of daydream.

Then you need some help and I would suggest marriage counselling. It helps you articulate how you are feeling and also your DH can articulate how he is feeling. If half of marriages end in divorce then the statistics for families with children with SN must be much higher. The pressure of behaviour, school and wider society is so much more intense. Tiny cracks become huge splits.

It is sad but I am much more relaxed and we coparent really well because he has to step into that space in a way he didn’t have to when I was carrying all the weight for that. It helps that the DC are teens now and very clear when things aren’t working for them. He listens to them in a way he never did with me.

I think for starters I'd stop booking holidays! If they're this torturous, save the money and spend some of it on a couple of weekend breaks for you, solo or with friends. If DH has done a sport 3 hours a day on your "family" trip, he owes you the time.

Spend one of the breaks up north and have a serious think about your plan B.

If DH moans, tell him you'll gladly go on a holiday if he organises one and commits to being pleasant company on it...

I am pretty sure my DH would have exactly the same diagnosis as our AuDHD child, but he doesn't turn into a complete arse on holiday!

Oh i could have wrote the above. Currently sorting our separation. Query ADHD or similar in XDH. But the constant work falling to me, the short temper, the unwillingness to try to understand our 10 year olds adhd diagnosis. I have read extensively about it, and willing to try what is needed. He just doesn't have the interest. Lots of no's for no reason. No warning straight to removing a IPad or whatever. Doesn't take them out when I'm at work, never went swimming or took them to football. All fell to me. And finally u realise u are doing it pretty much single handedly anyway only you have a big man childs unreasonable behaviour to contend with too. Just no. Fuck that shit, lifes to short.

Gosh I love this thread.

I don't mean to be insensitive. There is a relief in finding people who get it. I have no idea who is ND out of us, we've been round that again and again I'm sure we both have traits, but it becomes irrelevant if the problem is about hearing each other.

As it happens dh started a discussion again tonight about the atmosphere. We get somewhere but it normally ends up nowhere. He said - why do I always start these arguments feeling that you are wrong but then end up seeing that I am wrong. Well , it's because you don't actually pay attention to anything....

This is my dh too! And I also wonder if he is asd but the dynamics are so similar to your posts.
we have started marriage counselling but I’m unsure it’s right for me. I think the main issue is the asd as he seems to just see everything from his view point only and is always right will little thought or empathy to how I feel so I’m not sure how I can help him see this if he actually can’t do it..