Going NC with your parent. Hating it

[byebyeforniw]

Hello
Im 25 and my dad has been fairly absent throughout my life. He and my mum separated when I was young and when I hit perhaps 13, he stopped calling. He stopped putting in effort. He'd lie about why he couldn't come and see us and this has continued for years but I always forgave him and made excuses.
He's a nice person and I love to be with him in person, but he will go months without speaking to me. I always instigate everything and he knows absolutely nothing about me anymore. He doesn't care which is why I need to go NC with him. It kills me because I love him so much but his actions have been so disappointing for years and now he just won't speak to me. I've waited and waited and he hasn't spoken. I don't know whether I should tell him how I feel or just leave it forever.
It's so hard

Do you love him? Really? Someone who treats you so badly ?

Or do you love and need an image of what he should be?

That's a good question. I feel as if I do love him because I miss him so much.
Him leaving and being so absent has made me awful in relationships and has really messed up my mental health but still I forgive him that must be love.

@midgemadgemodge It's normal for children to love their parents despite how they are treated. Parental neglect causes a great deal of pain and dysfunction and is often misunderstood.

OP, I'm so sorry. It's not a cure, but regular talk therapy can give you some perspective on this.

You might like to post on the stately homes thread. Lots of people on there with difficult parents.

I think, tbh, that he's given you a warped idea about what love is, because this isn't it. It doesn't make you feel awful. It's calm and comforting and reliable.

I think he's got you trapped in a variable reward loop. You're hanging on and hanging on for the odd snippet of kindness. Like playing a fruit machine. You put in £100 and win a fiver and tell yourself that makes it worth continuing.

I had a similar situation with my father; I've felt conflicted by his attitude all of my life, sometimes sad, sometimes angry, sometimes resigned to his lack of effort. Occasionally, over the years, I've written to him and ripped him a new one, spelt out loud and clear his complete and total failure as a parent. I'm genuinely over it now. I don't think he has it in him to do any better (sadly) and really, he has missed out on so much (not that he recognises that). I agree with the person who recommended counselling. I did and it did help a lot to help me process my feelings and the grief I felt at never having a loving, interested dad in my life.

DD’s dad has largely been absent from her life, she only sees him if he’s staying with his parents. He only really contacts her when he wants to gush about another child he’s sired. I think she would say she loves him but in a kind of benign way and has preserved her mh by having zero expectations of the guy. I doubt the ‘relationship’ will continue when her elderly gps are no longer around.

My dad was also absent and I think my DD has inherited my pragmatism. I saw him for the last time 14 years ago, he tried to make polite chit chat and I smiled and nodded knowing that it would probably be the last time I’d see him. I neither love or hate the man, I’m just indifferent, which in my opinion is the best of both worlds.

You can’t ‘fix’ him, unfortunately this is who he is. You have to decide if your ongoing pain is the price you want to pay for maintaining the superficial relationship you have with him. If I were you I would invest in yourself by seeking professional support for your abandonment/ attachment issues. Grieving someone who isn’t dead can be very difficult.