Divorce guilt

[Noideawhattochoose]

I’m right at the beginning of working out what to do and I just don’t know if I can handle the guilt of separation.

Together since age 18, now 44 with 2 daughters.

Always knew he wasn’t the one- but he was immediately so dependent on me as has no family or friends that I felt too guilty to break up with him right from early on. I know I should have…. But I convinced myself that it would all be fine.

He’s a lovely kind man who is supportive of me but so wrong for me. We have nothing in common and being with him bores and drains me. I feel embarrassed at social events. There have been about 3 times over the years that I’ve considered separating but always just carried on.

I could just carry on as I am but the thought of having to pretend to be happy for the next 20/30/40 years makes me so sad.

But- how can I blast my kids lives apart just because I am not happy- when there’s no abuse or anything really wrong?

Has anyone done similar- left a kind and supportive man just because he’s not the one? Did you feel guilty and how did it all pan out?

How old are your children? I do think we have a certain responsibility when we get married and have children with someone to set aside our own happiness for the greater good of keeping the family unit together (assuming no abuse involved).

I'm Divorced at 40 with 3 young children - it wasn't my choice - I would have chosen to stay together - starting again in your 40s is grim - if you think you'll find the love of your life then be realistic you may never....on line dating is brutal and shit. I'd have stuck my boring staid marriage with someone unsuitable out rather than this

@onlylovecanhurtlikethis thanks for your message. Daughters are 10 and 13. I have no desire to meet anyone else so not worried about that. Just hate having to pretend to be happy.

I don't particularly have any interest in meeting anyone new but the thought of always being single.....boring staid and unsuitable id take any day.

The other thing you have to ask yourself is if you could honestly not see your children 50% of their lives from here on out.....50-50 custody is to be expected where the dad is good dad. Xmas and birthdays and all the special moments? I read 75% of all the time you'll ever spend with your children is over by the time they are 12 and 95% by the time they are 18...to then lose half of that due to divorce.

Personally I'd stick it out until they are 18 if you are set on ending it at some point

@Noideawhattochoose I disagree with the poster above. Life is too short to live every day feeling sad and hopeless. I am recently separated (my choice) with similar aged children. I have been pretty unhappy and unfulfilled for years and feel so relieved at last I am breaking out. I don't know what my future holds but I will be in full control of it. The kids will be fine - we'll both make sure of that.

My parents divorced when i was a similar age to them and I remember being relieved that they weren't together. And as an adult I massively respect my mothers choice for taking her own path and seeking happiness.

It is your choice. But remember that we only get one life - and it is a short one!

I agree with previous post . Yes in an ideal world we’d get married and have kids and live happily ever after but that’s not real life . I got divorced 7 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made .
I think it takes a lot of courage to leave and say “I’m not happy” . I think it’s important to show our children that they deserve happiness and they shouldn’t just settle .
7 years on and I am so much happier and my boys are to . I won’t lie and say it was all easy going but once all the ins and outs where sorted and we both had a routine we have all ended up in a better place .

good luck x

I’m currently going through the same situation and some nights I wonder if I’m being too selfish and should just stick it out. I’m closing on a house in a month but now I’m filled with guilt for breaking the family apart. How has everyone else gone through it and was it worth it? How were the children?

I had been with my husband since I was 15 with two DC 9 and 13 and it just wasn’t right. My decision but he left 3 weeks ago and it’s clear that it was absolutely the right decision.
The first day was awful - I have never doubted my decision so much but since then it’s been getting better. I am so much lighter and although my DC have moments of sadness, they’re ok. They will be ok.
I have done everything I can to make the marriage a happy one and it didn’t work - that’s what I told myself in those moments of guilt. I do deserve to be happy too and if the situation was the same for my DC in the future I’d hate it if they stayed.

I don't agree at all with the stick it out brigade. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will end in divorce, but staying together for the children is toxic. Both parents are unhappy and the children know - how do I know this - it's what my parents did.

I'm divorced from my ex-husband and our children are far happier now than when we were together. We are modeling what healthy relationships (he remarried, I am still single) look like.

What horrible advice. Would you expect your daughter to stick it out for the "greater good "?

I think where children are involved you have to think about their happiness very carefully. If a relationship is abusive then it should end as I'm certain no child will be happy living as part of that and the abuser has no right to retaining their happiness by hurting someone else.

But... if you are unhappy in a relationship and the other person is not abusive, a good parent and a decent human being it is, in my opinion, more of a grey area.

I was unhappy in my marriage for a variety of reasons and 25 years down the line I have finally wised up to see that all the reasons were mine and all were fixable had I made the effort. I labelled my ex wife in my head as boring, socially embarrassing, I'd 'settled' and so on. Looking back I can see that I was a selfish man child with poor self esteem who thought he deserved to be loved because he'd had a shit childhood and wanted to be one of the cool kids. It never occurred to me that I needed to learn to love myself for what I am (nerdy, dyspraxic, not a blokey man) and learn to be an adult. Instead I got close to someone else (emotional affair) and as soon as I realised that I ended my marriage for a second marriage that has been a toxic shit show. My poor children were definitely not better off for my decision and every day I have to live with the knowledge that my daughter's self harm scars and the severity of her chronic fatigue are as a result of my fucking stupidity and selfishness.

The problem with the 'everyone deserves to be happy' mantra is that it often morphs into 'I deserve to be happy' and then 'I have a right to be happy and my right is more important than anyone else's'

To be clear OP I'm not saying you should stay but if he isn't abusive, cruel, unsafe, then ask yourself some deep questions. If he embarrasses you at social situations why is that? If he's groping other women, getting pissed at funerals, swearing at kids parties then there's a problem in him and you and the kids are likely better off out if he can't or won't fix that shit. If he dances badly, doesn't get others jokes, doesn't wear what the cool dads are wearing then why is that such a problem? I had begin to see my ex wife in that light and lost sight of her being kind, selfless, smart, brave and funny in a way that I had really liked until I decided it wasn't 'cool' and a great mum.

Was there something that attracted you to him initially or did you really settle. If the latter, why was that? Your self esteem? A belief that if you had kids that would fulfil you and the relationship would not matter? Where did that belief come from and what does it say about you? Did you think you would change him or he would change?

Maybe consider therapy with a therapist who will do more than simply nod and say that sounds tough. I had a few of the latter and it didn't help me at all. Then I found one who really challenged me and I slowly began to own my own shit. I like myself a lot more than I did and through that became a lot more accepting of others and found my boundaries becoming clearer.

It's actually good advice. It seems the OP has rose-tinted views of marriage. Disney is not real.
I understand having regrets at settling young and not exploring other opportunities. It is natural to have those feelings but don't be deceived by them.
If this was a man, we'd be talking about a midlife crisis.

Happiness is not found in another person so splitting won't alieviate the unhappiness. I think there's a massive risk of the OP splitting, hitting the dating scene and realising her first choice was right all along.

Edit: @notsuchaniceguy said it way better than me. Spot on.

Can you not both work on this together - with counselling?

Sounds like with a bit of compromise and maybe getting more involved in each others interests there may be something, or even finding new shared ones.

The grass is not always greener.