DH gaming all day

[readytobreakthexbox]

Hi all, have NC for this as I'm terrified of outing myself! I've reached the end of my tether with DH's gaming and I would love your perspectives on the situation and how I can broach this in future without blowing up every time.

DH and I both work in the creative sphere and are self-employed. It's the kind of job where he gets far more opportunities fall into his lap than I do and doesn't have to seek much out, there is far more need for men in our profession, so I supplement my income doing another job too which I don't love but which is at least mostly WFH. DH doesn't, only does the creative profession.

However, despite this, DH never prepares adequately for his projects or spends time seeking more out, in fact, any time i go to find him while WFH, he is gaming. I will suggest he gets off his arse does something to prepare for xyz project coming up or xyz interview, and I get the 'in a bit, I just have to finish this game'. Left to his own devices, he could happily do it all day.

Essentially, he should get far more work than he does, but he spends no time 'hustling' for want of a better word, just games all day, and then will complain that our industry is unfair and nepotistic (which it is, but you could help yourself!) I actually set up for him to have another project this year, thinking he'd love the chance to step up, and he didn't prepare for it properly either. Was a bit of a mess and I was so disappointed.

This has led to me paying a weightier share of all our bills, sometimes the full thing depending on the month. I must stress I really don't make a huge amount in my other job. I am starting to get incredibly resentful about this, I would love the luxury of being able to do our career-job full time and get enough work to quit my side-job, but now it feels like I am hustling non-stop just to make sure we're OK and it feels like he's not trying at all. Offers will come in for him and he'll be picky and I start brimming with resentment and it becomes an argument - of course I think everyone should know their worth in the working world, but it feels infuriating that I work so much more, have this constant distraction from the job I actually want to be doing (in the form of my other job!) and constantly seeking more creative work, while he sits back being choosy and gaming most of the day. If he was making enough to provide for us and was this picky and spent so much time complaining, I wouldn't be so resentful (still wouldn't be the biggest fan of the gaming anyway tbh because it's a bit of an ick for me but I wouldn't feel so hard done by).

Every time I bring it up it becomes a massive argument, usually because he will become very teenage and monosyllabic and I will express my frustration that he's wasting his time and this is unfair, and will sometimes say things that aren't nice, like this wasn't what I agreed to on marrying him etc.

Would genuinely love your advice on how I can broach this situation calmly and not let my feelings of injustice make me boil over. I feel that once I've expressed rage about the situation it's very easy for him to switch off and ignore the truth of what I'm saying. That old 'you've displayed emotion so you've lost the argument' chestnut.

I'm aware this all might make him sound like a dickhead but in so many other ways he's a wonderful DH, very caring and nurturing and supportive of me, lovely personality, but I bloody need him to step up. There's something about bloody gaming that seems to turn him into a zombie, it's like a drug to him. We would both like to have DC but, disappointingly, I feel I can't consider it while so much of a burden is already on me, and can't trust that my life wouldnt become intolerable. Really don't want to blurt that out in a moment of anger.

Any advice on approaching this calmly would be so appreciated, I'm so sorry for the length and if this comes across very ranty and woe-is-me!

I like gaming, but when I’m flat out busy or need to work, it isn’t a priority that interferes with my adult responsibilities. Sorry but he’s just a man-child, no wonder you’re exhausted. You should not be trying to sort his projects out or do extra work to make up for his slack.

Ps. You don’t need to be calm about it either.

He's not adulting enough. Leave and find a grown up to have a life with.

I'd say that if he was spending his time cycling or golfing or raising exotic fish. It's not an anti-gaming post.

You're subsidising his lifestyle/gaming - don't have DC with him until he steps up and gets help with his lack of motivation/gaming addiction.

Don't have DC with him until this is well and truly sorted. You'll end up being a single parent supporting an adult teenager and your own dc.

I think I'd stop trying to protect him and help him out and focus completely on promoting yourself. Gender might be an issue but with the right PR and networking you can easily outstrip a gaming obsessive slob!

Leave the relationship. It’s a shame but it’s not going to work as he doesn’t want to change. He likes his life as it is.

Stop subsidising him. Make it totally non-negotiable.

And if he's not prepared to grow up and take responsibility for being an actual adult, cut your losses and dump him.

Live separately. The resentment is coming from you having to carry him financially. If he wants to do bad in his career as he wants to game all day that's his choice but if you live separately then he will have to realise that he needs to actually pay for stuff and prioritise his life better.

But tbh if children is something you want you probably going to want to rethink this relationship as you are going to have a very bad time as he won't step up as he currently is.

Could you calculate work vs leisure time? Is it equal? That’s a starting point for a conversation.

I'm a gamer. The issue is not gaming per se; it's that he's being a lazy fucker indulging his hobbies (which exclude you) at the direct expense of your money and fait share of leisure time versus expectations of an equal partnership.

The fact, if I've understood correctly, that his work area is preferential towards his biology and that you have to make up for his laziness by doing less enjoyable work yourself is particularly galling.

On top of that, his entitled and puerile reaction to your attempts to address the issue constructively have suggested a lack of respect towards you and your endeavours in building an equal and productive future....that's why you're reacting like this.

Because, as you (understandably) identify in heat of argument, this isn't what you signed up to on marriage, and nor would most people. He needs to start listening.

And out of curiosity, is it 1 game (which?) or many...single or multiplayer?

I like gaming too, but barely do it any more, because I don't have time and because I'm aware that it really eats up time, especially for the many people like me and your DH who enjoy the dopamine rush and the psychologist-designed tricks to keep you wanting to play just a bit more... And a bit more... And a bit more.

He's choosing not to address this from some combination of being properly addicted, being depressed (or having other mental health issues) and using this as a prop, or knowing you'll sort the rent so can't be arsed.

Whatever the case, you need have a proper conversation where you share your views - maybe writing a letter might help to start, or even get some relationship counselling sessions as they can help frame and manage it for your sake. Also whatever the case, there's nothing you can do if he chooses not to address his issues, best to walk away.

I'd hazard a guess that he also spends his time gaming whilst you cook, clean, so the laundry and food shopping etc?

Have you set it out in monetary terms before? I.E. "You spent 20 hours gaming this week. If you'd spent just half of those working, you could have created an average of £X this week, or (4 x £X) in a month, but you're telling me you don't have enough money for bills this month?"

I doubt he'll listen. He's essentially regressing into a teen boy and you are now responsible for his well being, home environment and the roof over your heads.

I'd kick him out and sell his console to pay his share of the bills. Until he HAS to work to contribute, why would he bother?

You have yourself a cocklodger and they are a parasite.

CuriousPorg - your post actually made me well up a bit, thank you for that. Feel like that's slightly snapped me out of the rush of constantly checking for him more than I am for myself and given me a bit of renewed determination. Thank you, I needed to hear that.

StopMindlesslyScrolling - funnily enough, he is actually a very good home-maker and doesn't dump too much onto me in that respect. I would say it's a fairly even split. Maybe I do a wee bit more. Actually he gets very anal about how he thinks things should be done which leads to more resentment as I'll be stewing away wanting to say 'you can start fucking telling me which utensils I should have used to cook when you do some bloody work'. Hmm, maybe I should suggest that he becomes a full time SAHH/subarbaby and takes over the housekeeping entirely...

Thank you all so much for your responses, this is so helpful. I feel a bit ashamed to ask my friends and family for advice about this - I usually would but I can't bear them to essentially think I've married a 'loser'... especially my parents. Your help is so cathartic and validating. When I bring it up to him the response is always of the 'here we go again' variety so there's never any validation.

Cantstaystuckforever - thank you so much for your suggestions. I might try the letter - perhaps there's something about feeling cornered that makes him sulkily tune me out when I try to talk to him (and then I in turn lose my shit). Maybe reading my feelings through at his own pace would be harder to ignore. And therapy even better if I can make this work - somewhere where he has to hear me out and can't start loudly dismissing me while I'm talking (maybe I'm too naively optimistic about therapy - have never done it before!) * *

This seems a massive imbalance in your relationship OP. Where you seem to be working much harder to facilitate DH's gaming. I wouldn't consider having children with a man like this as the imbalance is only likely to get worse.

Is your other job (ie the non creative one) flexible OP? Can you say to DH I'm taking the rest of the year off from other job to do some gaming, so need you to pay half of the bills during that time? How would he react to that ie essentially reversing your roles?

I don’t think things will change unless he can acknowledge what’s going on and get help for issues which is probably unlikely.
You just need to decide whether you want to continue on this basis or go it alone. At least alone, you know you’re doing everything you can to support your children.

Any suspicion of neurodiversity? I ask because of his ability to function day to day, his anal behaviour about the kitchen utensils, and the fact that you supplement income with a second job and this doesn’t appear make him feel guilty.

How would neurodiversity make any difference to the OP's feeling that their relationship is not balanced?

He is buying his extensive leisure time with YOUR labour.

When eating, nice and calm, once you've had a bit of food talk to him.

Ask him questions.

Perhaps with music on, a glass of wine so you are both chilled and open.

Ask him if this is what he wants? If gaming is worth the lack of progression, challenge?

And listen to what he says.

He's your husband you should be able to discuss everything. So do it when there isn't the distraction of everything else.

You can perhaps put your opinion in front of him, how you want you both to reach the stars, achieve your potential, that gaming is designed to be addictive and that helps the gaming companies only.

Stroke his ego, you have so much talent, it's a waste, it would be better to get more experience because at some point another ambitious bright young thing will turn up.

Just talk. And listen.

And perhaps offer, that you don't want to take gaming away but perhaps it needs to be back in the box it should be, so maybe evenings and a bit longer weekends. Once other things have been fulfilled.

I love gaming but I haven't had the chance to play for two months.

Because I am a busy adult.

He is being a child.

I would suggest you go 50/50 on all bills and let him see his shortfall.

And don't react immediately to his answers. Be calm and thoughtful. Considered.

He might say he games to escape, perhaps even the relationship a bit. Don't blow up. Just let him talk and then think.

Remind him you love him.

My bloods boiling.
So I'm guessing actors. He gets loads of work offers because 100x more parts for men than women. That's the patriarchy kicking you once.
Then when he's not working - in his FREE TIME - he's gaming while you pay the bills. That's the patriarchy by kicking you again.
Then when you rightly say, hey buddy, a bit less gaming and a bit more money coming in would be fairer, he calls you an emotional angry blaming nag (my precise). And that's the patriarchy lamping you one last time in case you didn't know you are simply not as good as a man.

Fuck that shit.

He seemingly had no respect for his wife at all because if he did, he would not treat her like this and she would not have to resort to writing a letter in some vain attempt to get his attention.

I don’t think he’s going to change after receipt of a letter from the OP. He will just in all likelihood ignore it and or regard it as a personal attack on him no matter how carefully worded.

Do not continue to carry him and or otherwise enable him in your life.

He does this also because he can and the OP has let him.