Did your children eventually realise whilst growing up that their NRP (father specifically) was abusive and made their own decision to limit/cut contact?

[DarkModeWarrior]

Just interested in experiences/opinions.
Ex is highly abusive but DD sees him on a limited basis. I have done my utmost to never criticise him and be neutral about him and have supported the contact that she does have with him.
He behaves impeccably with her but to me is an utter vile animal.
I am just wondering if one day she will see the light?
I was at my hair dressers recently and the young lady doing my hair told me how abusive her father was to her mother but at the time she spent a couple of years blaming her mother for breaking up the family. It's only as she got older she realised it was her father and that her mother was just trying to keep her safe. Subsequently she stopped seeing her father.
I am just wondering if anyone else's children have seen the light as they have become teenagers/adults?
I

When my son was about 13 I had to actually cut contact with his dad because every time all I got was abuse, name calling etc if I spoke to him. My son eventually got into a pattern of going to see him without us speaking and now sees him every month or two. I do think he is ok to my son but I think my son blames me partly for his dad never being stable in his life even though he was an alcoholic and would disappear for long stretches. I hope he realises one day. It seems his dad buys his affections which I think confuses him

My ex was a dick...he was violent...unreasonable, misogynistic, sexist, the whole shebang. I was only with him short time but got pregnant. He was absent from DD life until he fancied. I hated to see her heartbroken, because as per the women have to pick up the slack. I never stopped her seeing him, i thought, she will see it or not but having raised her that men should always respect her, she blew him out when she was an adult. Never sees him now. Its a risk but you cant be criticised by DD then.

exBIL regularly refuses to have their DC as a way to punish SIL - if he doesn't have them she can't work/go to the gym/go out etc.

The sad thing is that the DC barely notice already and they're 8 and 6. They're happy to be with him when he's around etc, but they don't seek him out, ask for him etc. I don't know if they will resent him when they'r older or understand the reality of his abusive behaviours, but so far, they certainly seem to understand he's not reliable and act accordingly.

OP, I'm sorry you have to go through this. DH and I were just talking today about how it's so ridiculous - if SIL asks us to pick up her DC because her ex has said he won't, but he then turns up anyway (he has form for this - although usually he likes to text her 5 minutes before so she has time to get us to turn around.....), we have to let him take them because he still has parental responsibility etc. If he doesn't turn up and she hasn't asked us to cover, or if she's supposed to collect but just doesn't turn up, the school would call her. And if it happened consistently, as the resident parent, she's the one who is going to get social services involvement.

So the non resident parent can be as shit as they like and it's all fine, but the resident parent has to pick up the slack for both. It's outrageous and the system is deeply deeply flawed.

My DS (12 and 14) said in June they didn't want to see him.
He'd emotionally abused them just as he had me.
I'm supporting them in their choice. He and that side of the family are not happy and seem to think I'm involved in their decision and that I should make them see him.
That's all Not My Problem.
They are starting to talk and I recognise trauma. I am sad for them and it'll take time for them to recover.
But nothing will make me tell them to see him again.

I feel like this.. if my daughter told me she didn't want to see him.. I'd do nothing but support that. Is that wrong?

DD is 11 and contact with her dad has been sporadic. They went through a period of a few months last year of spending a day together at weekends, but then DD chose to stop. She didn’t give me a reason and I didn’t push it at the time, but gradually, she told me that she could tell he had ‘anger issues’ and no real interest in her as a person. DS is 15 and remembers more of what his dad did and said to me and DS. He has a text-based relationship with his dad but spends no actual time with him, by his own choice.

No thats right. If she is suffering seeing him. If he starts ..take it to court. They wont force a child old enough to give reasons from herself why she doesnt want to see him if it harms her emotionally etc. They'd offer mediation first and watch her interaction with dad and visa versa. I had mediation he showed himself a right dick. He was offered contact at contact centre .. he refused to go. Which showed him for what he was. No contact via courts. Theres ways round it, and all you do is look like a great mum. You wont have to do a thing if he's a douche

@restartinglife read this thread xx

Bumping x