Do I wait and hope??

[Blueskiessunshine]

I was with my partner for 15 years, I initiated a separation 3 months ago following years and years of not feeling loved, valued, appreciated, years of pent up resentment, an affair by him in the early days before children, etc. We have two children together aged 11 and 9.

In December I started messaging a guy from my past - we went to primary school together, hooked up on many occasions in our late teens and 20s amd even experienced a brief pregnancy together, and I had last seen him 18 years ago (I'm 43 now). We have maintained sporadic contact over the years, just checking in really on each others lives.

But he is now divorcing after 5 years of marriage (2 young children involved who he adores and has 50:50 time with) and I am separated although we still live in the same house. So our messaging intensified quite quickly and the spark reignited. We have met up 4 times although it's just been in pubs/bars for the best ever chats and flirting. I have quickly fallen for him all over again.

He is having therapy to help him through the divorce and he really has his head screwed on with it all. We have massively supported each other through the hardest times ever, messaging most days.

So my issue is I have massively fallen for him all over again and want more from him and want to get to know him better and see him more (even just once a week). I told him some of this yesterday because I had started withdrawing from him a bit and he knew something was wrong. The 'problem' is that he has been totally honest and has said that neither of us are in the right place to start something more. He said he feels really sad that he can't give me what I want and that he has to put his kids and himself first right now. This is all absolutely how it should be, I know that, but it doesn't stop me craving him.

I guess my main question is how should I deal with this? I said to him maybe it's best if we close our connection but he said he doesn't want me to leave him alone. I know I can't wait for him and that I should instead focus on myself and finding myself again.

Should I walk away to make it easier? I feel that I'll always be secretly hoping he contacts me.

Has anyone else experienced this?? I know I'm craving all the things that were lacking in my last relationship (love, affection, etc) from him but I don't know how to stop the cravings!

If it’s meant to be then it will in the future but for now you need to let go and get on with life.

Many people will tell you to completely cut contact, I’m not sure you have to if you don’t want to but you really need to scale things back and let go of the idea of being with him for now.

I honestly do know how hard it is but you need to listen to what he’s saying that he isn’t ready for anything at the moment and don’t try to push or pursue anything with him.

As for how to stop wanting him/thinking about him, you probably won’t to be honest. There’s nothing wrong with having a bit of hope as long as it’s not stopping you living your life and consuming your thoughts constantly. It just takes time for that to stop. Ideally you would completely stop contact to help with this. That doesn’t mean you have to fall out with him, just explain your side and hopefully he’ll understand.

Sounds like he’s not that into you but wants to keep you on the back burner in case he changes his mind later down the line…

back off…. If he changes his mind, you’ll know about it, but I would try to let it go at this point. If it’s meant to be it will be. Sometimes men think about things too logically initially and then come to their senses, but you shouldn’t be waiting with any expectations.

He has a lot going on and has been honest with you that his priority is getting his amd his kids life straight before diving into another relationship.
It depends what you want and need right now but it sounds like he's in a different place right now.
Either wait and give him space or move on.

He's not even out of the first marriage yet!

Come on now op.

At least he seems to have his head on straight.
But he is ùnfair to ask you to keep contact when he knows how you feel. That's setting you up for a horrible time.

You know what you have to do.
It doesn't mean that in a year or two, after your divorces are both finalised and you've taken time single and learned how to be on your own again, that you couldn't THEN work together.

But right now, you both need time to tie things up before dating anyone.

Picking this thread up again as it's all still unresolved. It wasn't the right time for us to be together with both of our separations being so fresh. He then met someone else and I was heart broken. That was 2 months ago. However 2 weeks in to his new relationship he messaged me to say he didn't want to lose our connection. I have been nice in my replies but haven't let on how affected I've been by it all. It is now always him who initiates conversation, I haven't done so once since his new relationship.

We've been messaging a lot recently and he has insinuated that he will be single soon. A lot of our messaging is simply really nice, deep chat, we have a lot in common and helped each other mentally through each others seperations. I feel like an idiot knowing deep down that I am waiting for him. Whenever I get a message from him I'm on cloud 9.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I feel like I'm doing everything right, standing back, not contacting him etc, unless he contacts me. I don't like the fact that he is with someone else and messaging me a lot (some of it sexual stuff - ive told him this has to stop until his situation changes). But he's going through a divorce and is yearning validation, comfort, attention etc I guess.

From an outsider's view point am I a fool to keep holding on to this? I have tried so hard to mentally walk away but then he messages me and reels me right back in.

So he wasn't in a good place to start a relationship with you but did pretty quickly with someone else? It sounds like he is taking advantage because he knows you have feelings for him. You are a backup because he presumes you will always be there, an option, not a priority.

I would walk away, prioritise yourself because he isn't. I don't think you're a fool because it isn't easy when you have strong feelings for someone and are craving a relationship or connection. Logic goes out the window quite easily.

I fell hard for a man recently who strung me along so I know how hard it is to walk away. The highs and lows can be addictive but ultimately toxic. The longer you hang around the more you lose yourself and the more hurt you get.

You need to properly end your marriage and spend time on yourself and with your children. You need to be on your own and ok with this or you’ll get hurt and you could hurt him. Sort out your divorce and sell the home/move out. Take time out, go on dates and work out yourself what you want. I got divorced and for a year I wasn’t ready to date. I concentrated on myself, work, my kids etc. every guy I’ve met is fucked up and I feel this guy is the same so get strong in yourself first before you chase someone else

Walk away, OP. This man is not to be trusted. He chose someone else over you and now he’s trying it on with you behind her back. Pay attention to what that tells you about him and his attitude to women. It’s disrespectful and dishonest. He’s no prince, OP. It’s disappointing but he’s definitely not worth waiting for or wasting more time or energy on.

Hello OP. I’ve got involved in something similar— in fact almost an identical back story too. I don’t know what the answer is. I feel like you feel.

As long as you keep the channel open for him to contact you, your life is on hold waiting for him to throw you scraps of attention. You know this.
He is dating someone else, so his excuses that it was the wrong time for you both is bullshit. He likes having you around in the background, you are fulfilling a role, whether thats therapist, distraction or ego boost. But it's not girlfriend.
Your choice is whether you put your life on hold waiting for his scraps of attention until the day he moves on, or you take control, cut all contact and move on yourself

Thank you so much for your quick and honest replies. It really helps. My relationship ended emotionally for me years ago so I guess I do feel ready to let someone else in. When he messages me next I will raise how I disagree with how he is treating his current relationship because I would hate to be that other woman. He is messed up really. Childhood issues and his wife left him almost a year ago. I guess I'm a safe space for him.

It is soooo hard to remove the emotional attachment. I guess I am also craving the emotional connection, which makes it so hard to walk away. And every time I feel strong enough to walk away he reappears. I was (mostly) honest with him about how I felt a few months ago, telling him i liked him more than friends, but he said we weren't in the right place. I perhaps need to be honest again and properly walk away. It will be absolutely heart breaking for me.

Thank you again for your replies - it helps so much xx

@librarycards sorry to hear you're in a similar situation - it really sucks. Feel free to PM me if you want to share / console each other about our situations!

Are you still living with your partner ?

I think you need to concentrate on your own life and relationship instead of listening to what this old flame is doing in his life.

He clearly doesn't want you as he met someone else, that's harsh but a reality.

You really need someone who will put you first.

@RandomForest yes still living with ex although amicably seperated - I have no way to buy him out and he won't leave so I'm stuck.

Yes you're right about focusing on my own life. I did try to and was succeeding - busy at work, active social life, back into fitness... then he comes along and my mind turns to him - he's like an obsession/addiction that I can't move away from. It's very frustrating!!!

It sucks, honestly. but that emotional attachment won't go away as long as you remain in contact with him. It's like a wound and as long as you keep that contact you are picking the scab and not letting it heal. I'm speaking from experience here and I get how raw it is, how much you want to hear from them, and how good it feels when they do contact you. But that feeling is only temporary while you talk to them and then just causes you more anxiety and days of over analysing every message looking for anything that might indicate hope.
As you said, it is like an addiction and the only way to cure it is cold turkey. But it is going to feel horrible, there's no denying that. Can you prepare yourself? Arrange social stuff so you will be distracted, and make sure you have things to keep you busy while you go no contact.
I wish you well. I went through similar years ago and it was fucking awful, but like the old cliche says 'time is the best healer' and you have to go no contact and not keep resetting that clock, even though it's bloody hard not too.

@reesewithoutaspoon you are 100% right - I know that but I am in denial about it. We were talking about a band we both like the other day and he said we should go to see them together (it's next June). So obviously that sparked my flame - I am so weak, it doesn't take much.

I don't think I can go no contact yet. I don't feel ready and don't know how to go about it - i guess i have to be 100% honest with him to explain why we cant talk anymore. Although I can't imagine removing him from my life. I know that sounds so stupid and sad. That's the addiction I guess! 😖