Elderly father seems to have convenient memory loss over his adultery

[Salome61]

Hello, my Dad is now 91, I am 66.

I lost contact with him in 2000 when my Mum died, they'd been divorced since 1977 but were still friends. He made contact with me when my husband died in 2016. We just exchange birthday/christmas cards, and write a letter a few times a year. I don't have his phone number. My estranged brother and his wife live a few doors away and look after him - and read my letters to him, I'm careful what I say. I have one aunt left I speak to, she is in contact with them all.

I've just received my Dad's latest letter. He has referred to two rings he wonders about sometimes - and describes giving one of them to his girlfriend. My Mum left her jewellery to my daughter, I have found the ring. I am not sure how I know but I know this is the ring my Dad gave to a young girl at his work :(

So in his letter, he seems to have forgotten that he was still married to my Mum when he gave this ring to this 'girlfriend'. She worked with him, she was 17, I even remember her name. She rang my Mum and told her she didn't want his attentions but he wouldn't leave her alone. So awful.

There were always dramas. I think it was another woman when I remember my Mum crying at the kitchen sink saying my Dad was going away with a witch - I went into junior school and told my teacher. She'd obviously said bitch. My Mum tolerated his adultery for twenty years, my brother and I had to reassure/calm/console her, we had a rough time of it. He always kept her short of money, and spent it on himself.

I can't decide whether to write back to him reminding him of the reality, or cut the relationship off dead now. I feel angry it has never occurred to him to apologise to us for his despicable behaviour.

Is he going to leave you and your dd any money?

I'm not even joking.

Why deprive your dd of funds that might help get in life just because he's a delusional ol' creep.

It's a difficult one. I can really understand how you feel, your current experience is how I sometimes think my own personal one would have gone, if I'd not gone no contact with my father when he left my mother 34 years ago...I was 21 at the time.

My father is now 76 and has been married to the other woman since 1997. I hear third hand (from my mother who stalks them both on social media) what he gets up to. Like your father, he was unfaithful to my mother for the whole time they were married and as the only girl I was the one who had to deal with her emotional fallout..I was definitely 'parentified' and still am to a certain extent. Both my parents ruined our childhood with their selfishness.

You won't get an apology - my mother to this day won't admit that she made a massive mistake staying with him. She always, always put her marriage before her three children. She even blames me - has said it to my face on more than once occasion, the latest being just earlier this year - for my father having the affair and leaving her, because I made him 'feel old' by getting married at 21...he was 42.

@GilbertMarkham Does have a point. I think it would be the only way I'd be willing to keep in touch now. Damn him.

You have every right to feel cross but it is really too late to say anything to him. He will only remember the things he wants to!
My mother is the same age and I am very cross with her about a lot of things that happened in the past. She remembers things just as she wants to.
I have let it go. She is fairly housebound and I phone her once a week where we basically discuss the weather etc.

My estranged brother recently asked my aunt why I write to my Dad. He and my SIL are goldiggers and seem to be working on my aunt. I'm sure that's why she is resisting going into assisted living, she is scared of their reaction if their inheritance is in doubt.

I doubt my DD or DS will be thought of when my Dad dies. My Dad has always been self centred and extremely mean with money. As a kid my glasses broke and I remember having the bridge fixed with fabric plaster for most of my time in the infants.

I've been writing to him as a kindness really, as he's old, and obviously bored. In several letters he did seem to be trying to give 'fatherly advice' - making up for lost time, bit too late though. I try and make my letters interesting and show myself in a good light.

Even though I've slept on it, I am still very angry and at this very moment I do want him to acknowledge his guilt.

Thank you Flossflower. I hadn't realised how violently angry I feel about it, far less damaging just to let it go.

I would just ignore the questions about the rings if you do write back.

And if you don't really know why you know it's the ring - it might be that you're mistaken, but looking for it has sparked up these memories and you've made a connection that isn't actually there. Sometimes memories aren't that trustworthy. Seems strange your mum would have it if he tried to give it to a girlfriend.

I don't think you'll get much out of reminding him of the past - it might be that your brother wouldn't share the letter with him if he felt it would be upsetting, if he's the one likely to pick it up first. And even if he does read it, it's unlikely after all these years he's going to say anything helpful.

At 91 and 66 I think it’s time to park things and move on in the big scheme of things what difference would an apology for things that happened over 45 years ago achieve

Dear dad I don't know which ring are you talking about.

Regards.
You DD

All that is in the past. Leave it there. He's an old man.

So what? Men aren’t entitled to care from their kids when they’ve been nasty arseholes to them all their lives, just because they’re old. Not OPs problem, just like her glasses weren’t his when she was just a small child.

I didn't say he was entitled to care

I've been there and got the t-shirt.
Holding onto the past is destructive

You should have had it out with him years ago. It’s way too late now - he’s 91!

At 91 it's entirely possible your dad has forgotten about his adultery for real and has a completely different reality to you. At almost 90 my father doesn't even know who I am. There's no point dragging it up, you can't change what he did, he apparently doesn't remember it so just let it go. You can tell him you have no recollection of said rings and leave it at that.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it.

I will write back in a few months as I normally do, and won't mention the rings.

I will let go of my anger as you recommend, I've only been punishing myself by feeling sad he never loved me.

Feeling much better now and off for a walk around the block :)

My dad was similar and we were basically no contact. He spent all of the inheritance that I know my grandparents wanted me to have. When I found out he died, the first thing I thought was 'thank god I called him'. When he dies you will experience so many emotions, honestly I think taking the high road reduces the bitterness you feel. Rant as much as you want to your partner/ best friend / journal/ whatever, but personally I would advise that leaving things on a civil note with him will reduce any suffering you might go through later.

Just popping in to say my Dad has written again asking if I'm here next week to receive a 'parcel' he's sending me. He's asked me to let him know by text, and for the first time in 20 years, I've got his mobile phone number. So odd!

I've stayed in all day and no parcel through Royal Mail - I wonder if it's coming by Parcelforce, or whether it's coming at all.

I rang my aunt to tell her after two decades I'd got my Dad's phone number -apparently she's had it since July when my SIL gave it to her reluctantly with instructions 'NEVER' to give it to me. So horrible, I am sorry to share genes with them.

Did a parcel ever arrive?

Oh yes it did, on Thursday, it's so sad really. It was a wooden box full of cheap costume necklaces, with a letter. I think it was his late wife's jewellery box. He said 'one of the necklaces ' might be valuable and could I guess which one it was? And he went on to say that Fiona Bruce always got it wrong and I'd be wise to scour all of the charity shops in Newcastle for a chinese vase that might be worth a fortune. Mad as a box of frogs.

Bizarre. Sounds like he wants to get you jumping through hoops, somehow. Like previously "do you know where that ring went?" to get you looking. Now "guess the valuable necklace!" and "go looking for vases!" 😬

I know, you are quite right I couldn't pinpoint it, bizarre is right! I wish I'd had a Dad that loved and adored me like my lucky friend.

Has your dad been assessed for Alzheimers/Dementia? At his age it's likely some sort of cognitive decline is responsible for his behaviour. If you want to keep contact with him then do so, but just ignore anything bizarre he says or sends, don't stress yourself out over it.

My dad was similar and we were basically no contact. He spent all of the inheritance that I know my grandparents wanted me to have.
Strange that they wanted you to have it, but didn't will it to you.

@Cosmosforbreakfast yes, it was silly of me to be upset over his girlfriend/ring comments, thank you, he is obviously reflecting on life and I should be more understanding. I've not seen him in the flesh since 2011 at my Uncle's funeral.

My aunt still speaks to my SIL and she has recently asked about my Dad's health as he'd written to her, saying he was going to visit his old house near her, to take back his metal gates!

My SIL said he's just a 'silly old man' and I doubt she will have him assessed, I believe they are hoping to inherit his house.