Dysfunctional in laws

[CrankyPantaloons]

How do people deal with dysfunctional in laws? I find my in laws to be rude, judgemental and disrespectful (they observe no boundaries and have no emotional intelligence) but I understand that they are my dh's family and whilst he may acknowledge their behaviour he has absolutely no intention of dealing with it and as such we are all supposed to just "suck it up". After a recent incident I stated that should my dh wish to have his family to stay I would make myself scarce and stay in a hotel; that way he can have them all to himself and I don't get exposed to their toxicity. He felt that this was unnecessary so I asked that a particular family member not be permitted to stay with us in our house (they are particularly abusive and the worst of them) to which he replied "I'll try". I am at the end of my tether on this! Nothing I do or say is good enough, they complain about everything and are total energy vampires. How do others deal with such a situation as this is now having a physical impact on my well being.

'I'll try". That's a firm no, he's made his mind up.

Could you give examples of this behaviour? WhT was thr incident that took place recently?

He may want to continue to have a relationship with them but it does not follow you have to do the same. Your H's inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you. He still seeks their approval even now and honestly believes that the sky will fall in if they get upset. He has been thoroughly conditioned from an early age to put them first with his own self and needs dead last and his fear, obligation and guilt re them is deeply rooted. They installed those buttons in him.

Keep well away from these people going forward, maintain firm and consistent boundaries and take care of your own needs. Tell your H to not to talk about these people to you.

They recently visited and made rude and inflammatory comments about my family (they met my family only once at our wedding). They complain about the food, our house (the bed isn't to their liking and thus the trip wasn't as restful as they would have wanted), they insert themselves into private conversations. The list goes on and I have, on occasion, tried to set firm boundaries but I get no support from DH and now when I try to distance myself from them I'm classed as "difficult". I acknowledge that I have a low tolerance level for them and I find them utterly tedious but I need to find a way to endure them as they are dh's family and as such are going nowhere fast.

Be careful though, I said this to him and he ended up leaving me and the kids, having an affair and another family with OW who is young & controllable and puts up with them
Things are a lot worse now as they have access to the kids when they are with their dad

You do not have to endure the company of such people; your DH can see them on his own if he wishes.

There is also the issue of our dcs, it worries me that they are exposed to this (albeit I don't think they are aware of the dysfunction but kids are perceptive) and part of me thinks that if I am at least there I can marshal them away (this is more when they say something that goes against our family values) as dh won't want to offend his family.

dh won't want to offend his family

Are you not his family too?
He doesn't seem to mind you being upset - funny that.

This very point has been made to him on numerous occasions. I think the penny might be dropping as I've also made the point that if I can't get distance between me and them without his support I will just have to seek distance between me and him, and by that point I won't give a rats whisker that he or they think/feel.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Is right, you don't have to have a relationship with these people.

I've not seen my in-laws for 9 years, for much the same reasons as you've posted. My father in law in a particular is a rude racist, homophobic judgemental bigot who seems to think that he can control everyone! My mother in law is a two faced liar who can't be trusted as far as you can throw her. I've always said a good relationship with in-laws is a bonus, not a necessity.

Don't threaten, just do. The next time you know they are coming, you and your children go to a hotel. Actions speak louder than words.

Did these issues only surface after marriage?
Was there a reason why the problem could not have been addressed beforehand?

Your husband can visit them. Isn't this a reasonable solution?

In hindsight the signs were there but I was totally unaware/naïve that such people existed. The live a plane ride away and as such do not greatly impact our lives, it's just when they come to stay with us (husband and children visit them without me). I'm lucky that my family are positive, upbeat people who believe in raising you up not tearing you down. They have become an increasing problem as the years have worn on as the "mask" has slowly fallen away. I see them for who they really are.

When he married you, you became his family first and foremost. He left his family of origin to create a family with you and realistically you should come first in every scenario. I have a similar issue with MIL, I limit contact, the occasional Sunday for a few hours here and there. I think you should let your husband visit them as someone suggested. If it isn’t working for you, and you’re having a stinker of a time when they’re around, he can see them instead and fly to them? He could even take the kids with him if you were worried they wouldn’t get to see them. It’s not worth your well-being waiting for their arrival every year.