34 lonely, single and childless

[lilianab236]

Hi All,

im 34 and this year was supposed to be my year to have a child. I went for fertility testing in jan and all came back good. I looked into IVF but it was £7,000.00 a round. This will be the entirety of my savings.

I’ve done loads of research into donor conceived children and have some concerns.

I have quite a few friends all of whom have families and I spend a lot of time feeling lonely and alone.

I try and go out and do something when I feel like this but it’s constant. It’s even looking like this year I’ll spend Xmas alone.

I’ve just come out of a short term dating situation due to incompatibility and he was the first person I’ve liked in 3 years. I have issues with anxious attachment and I struggle.

im just feeling very down and none of my friends understand.

I want a child more than a relationship but can’t risk my savings and IVF not working as I’ve spent my whole childhood being not secure financially.

im not really sure what kind of advice I’m looking for a guess just other women that are in the same position.

im based in the West Midlands have a great job and rent a nice house.

I have 2 children. I have a relationship that's breaking down..I'm 34 and alone in an adult sense. I completely understand how you feel..I look at my life and think this isn't how I wanted it or expected it to be. It's really depressing. The truth is we just have to get up each day and do what we can do.. you are not a bad person. Relationships nowadays are harder to come by and thanks to phones and the amount of people who have access to eachothers lives Theres alot of strain and insecurities around it all.

I'm not sure what is ahead for you anymore than myself, but I do know things won't stay this way. Things are ever changing. So in a year or 2 this won't be where you are anymore. You've got alot ahead even though it may not feel that way.

Do you have to do IVF? I thought you could just do artificial insemination unless you have fertility issues.

At 34 you still have time to have a baby, especially if your fertility test was good. Maybe worth one more go at meeting someone? Could you throw yourself wholeheartedly into dating (online but being very clear what you're looking for) and give it say a year to try to find a partner who also wants to start a family? My daughter did this and was lucky enough to have twins naturally at 38.

OP that's really hard. Are you able to use the money to freeze your eggs to give you time to either find someone, or to save up for the treatment? Plus potential to build up savings in the meantime so you wouldn't be wiping savings out just as you're having a child. I know this doesn't help with the loneliness now but hopefully having a plan in action will feel less powerless? I've no idea how much egg freezing costs though.

Yes, why can't you do regular turkey basting (sorry!) around ovulation, with screened sperm obviously (?)

Anyway, 34 was supposed to be your year to have a baby (?) Things don't really work like that!
If that's your approach to life, no wonder if you're getting depressed/frustrated/negative etc.

If you would like to have a child in a relationship (and you're not in a long-term, established relationships where you're both on the same page about children), you don't pick an age/year you'll be having a baby.
Even women in long-term established relationships where they thought they were on the same page re children as their partner, sometimes find things don't go how they wanted eg partner changes his mind, they suffer infertility etc.

You're 34 with no apparent fertility problems, 5 years of 90% chance of pregnancy within 2 yrs of ttc left ... And many women don't just drop off at 39 either, many have ok fertility into early 40s.
If you want to do it in a relationship, you need to get out dating, socialising, trying new things etc non stop. Even a move of location could be an idea.

I'm an SMBC. IVF is absolutely not a certainty so if the financial aspect of spending all your savings on it is too troubling to you, I'd advise saving like mad for a little longer - is a second job a possibility at all? - to get yourself into a position where you feel a bit less precarious. It's always a balancing act because you're trading that against a possible decline in fertility, but if the cost is a deal-breaker for you then it is what it is. (To be clear, I mean like 6 months of absolutely hammering everything into your savings and living off beans in toast, not years and years.) I can tell you that I spent more than that to have my son (a LOT more) although I was older than you when I started.

As others have asked, how come IVF not IUI?

Incidentally, you may also want to pop over to the Donor Conception section for more on that aspect.

Best of luck!

It sounds like planning is important to you (although you left it rather late to find out what IVF costs) but life often can't be planned and you need to be able to "roll with the punches". Have goals by all means but not exact plans.

By your age I was two years married and beginning to realise I might have a problem conceiving. That was never my plan or expectation and it was devastating as, to cut a long story short, I never had a baby. Adopted later and completely got over my longing for my own baby.

Just saying this to let you know that things don't always go the way we want but you can pick yourself up and find other ways to get what you want or even change your goals. I certainly wouldn't risk £7000 on one round of IVF though. Donor insemination can't be that expensive, surely? I even known people who used friends for that, though that's a whole can of worms.

I was in a similar position to you. Wanted a family but hadn’t met the right man, thinking about going it alone. What I did was had therapy to sort out why I wasn’t meeting anyone (I was a massive commitment phobic) and really put myself out there. Online dating, speed dating, friends of friends. I met someone when I was 37 and we have two kids now. 34 isn’t too late to do it the traditional way but you have to look at what’s stopped you getting there before now, coz you don’t have time to repeat the same mistakes. I’d say put your savings into therapy and really go for it. Good luck x

Thank you all for your lovely comments and advice. I could do IUI or donor insemination for much cheaper but it’s not that part that concerns me. I’m still trying to come to terms with the emotional side for the child of having a parent that they may never meet. Using donor sperm is by far a great option to have a baby alone and I’ve done loads of research on the topic. I still haven’t made a final decision and may decide on a donor at some point.

I have considered adoption too but as this option for a much longer time than my pregnancy window is im not thinking about it right now.

my ideal situation is always to have a family but as a child of divorced parents I’m aware this isn’t always the case.

I have listened to your advice and booked in some counselling that hopefully might be able to help and once I’m done with that I will be very intentional on the dating apps.

does anyone have any recommendations of dating apps they would recommend that are serious. I normally use tinder and hinge neither seem to be serious.

I think eHarmony is supposed to be, if it's still going.

I’m still trying to come to terms with the emotional side for the child of having a parent that they may never meet.

Some donors on pollen tree are interested in arrangements where they do see)have a relationship with the child.

You obviously need to be very careful indeed about that though.

Spend your 7k on therapy and having fun. If you know yourself and you deal with your anxiety, good things will follow.

You sound lovely and you deserve a great life. You are only 34! Happiness attracts others. Focus on bringing joy in. Definitely get therapy.

For serious dating, stick to paid sites and only consider people who are paid users, not on there for free. You've immediately ruled out the 90% of time wasters who are "just seeing what comes along" or, worse, seeking an ego boost but aren't even interested in meeting.

What @RhymesWithTangerine wrote if the best advice. It’s great to plan but to that sort of degree is bound to cause anxiety.

You can set filters on many dating apps that can match you with others who want children.

I was in your shoes a couple of years ago, but with less savings as I decided to retrain if I didn't have the family I wanted. I moved town, really gave it one big push at dating seriously and met my lovely DP last year. I ascertained we want the same, and we live together now. We're not TTC just yet but plan to soon.

I would give dating one last really big push. I used Hinge and Match and didn't have any real issues. Obv not everyone I met was a prince but tbh a higher hit rate of decent men than Bumble and POF.

Keep your travel area contained, and be quite strict on your yes/ no criteria rather than trying to 'make it fit'. Key is not to waste time. Take breaks when needed but try and keep it moving, at least one date a week.

Good luck OP, l agree, set filters on the sites and be clear about what you are looking for to rule out time wasters. Counselling is an excellent idea too. Don't give up, you sound lovely and l really hope you meet someone who is on the same page as you.

I met someone at 37 and had my first a few months ago at 39. At your age I was panicking and in a bad relationship. I wish I had realised then that it wasn’t over for me yet and that I still had time. This is especially if your fertility tests came back good. It took me 5 months to get pregnant with PCOS.

Christ 🤣🤣🤣