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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shady behaviour

18 replies

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 07:36

My partners been acting weird lately. Not thinking another woman as such. He's had some money struggles lately. We don't love together. He has a severe problem with his back. He's had a plif operation 6 years ago and to cut a long story short. Nerve trapped on broken screw. Muscle damage. Spine is continuing to get worse. A rod has also come out and is now in his back causing him pain. He's been given every type of pain killer going and nothings helped. So he works and suffers. Not sure how he does it. I've seem his scans. They are shocking.

In recent weeks I've had many strange vibes coming off him. He's working full time and earns good pay. But he's only just got a flat after temporary staying in hotels for 4 months. The weeks leading up to getting the flat he was financially struggling with the costs of working and eating on the road and hotel bills. We were approached in the services one day by a man asking if he'd paid some money back to someone. My partner denied any knowledge to me of who it was. A week before this he had been mugged and turned up at my house with a head injury and his phone and money had been taken. He said it was a couple of random men.

On Monday night he messaged me late saying he needed to go to a&e. He was in extreme pain and I could see alot of swelling. He confessed his wages were gone. I could not really justify lending him £20 as I have things to pay for myself this week and work part time. The next day he continued to say he needed to go so I caved in and sent him £20. I will get it back Friday. After I sent it he started asking me where I was working (I work in various houses). This isn't something he normally shows interest in. He was apparently given oramorph and he phoned me a couple of hours later saying he felt terrible. Where we live the services are minimal. He has needed to go to the hospital an hour away for this. He has no car and he won't get an ambulance. Last night he began asking me how he could get there. I said the only option now is a train and taxi..it was going to cost £20 ,each way. So I agreed to send it. He got on the 7.36 train and it was due to arrive at 8.42. He text me at 8.15 saying he was there. I questioned it. He said he was waiting to pull in. His phone then died. His phone is broken and rubbish and he's had issues with it for weeks. So I heard nothing more until 5.30 this morning when he said he was back and going to work. He didn't mention anything about how he'd got on.

I called him and said how did you get back there's no trains in the night. He accused me of being a detective and not actually asking how he got on. He has told me he's had an mri and 2 injections and a porter brought him back who works there and lives a few villages away from us. He said this Dr had said the same as other Dr's and they were chasing the hospital who did his surgery.

I know this is long winded. But I just can't seem to believe he went. Maybe he did. But something isn't right?

What can I do?

OP posts:
cruffinsmuffin · 30/08/2023 07:40

Honestly it sounds like he's either doing drugs or in debt to some seriously dangerous people - who would turn up at a service station of all places asking for money if it wasn't some sort of loan shark / drug dealer. And being mugged sounds suspiciously like he didn't have the cash to pay them!

What can you do? Well what do you want to do, do you want to support him through his injuries and potential money / drugs issue? In classic MN fashion, what is he bringing to your life?

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 07:47

I never had any reason to think he was but there's some evidence that I've found yes. I've quizzed him and asked him direct blunt questions and he's denying any issues. We were about 15 minutes away from our town and some shady looking lad came over and asked if he had paid of "bob" my partner sorter froze then said it was sorted. Then told me he had absolutely no idea who it was or what it was about.

I don't wanna be involved if it's dodgy. We've been together 3 years but I'm very sensible and don't even smoke. Most I do is a drink here and there. I dont know how to get to the bottom of none of it.

I asked him if the hospital are aware of his new address. He said he didn't know. Then I clicked on a&e will always ask this on the desk..its all just so strange

OP posts:
MMadness · 30/08/2023 07:49

He's a drug addict and that's where all his money is going.

mauvish · 30/08/2023 07:51

MMadness · 30/08/2023 07:49

He's a drug addict and that's where all his money is going.

Agree; he may have started in an attempt to get on top of the pain but now he needs more and more, hence the reason that all the legit stuff that he's prescribed isn't working.

And if he's owing his dealers to the point where they're sending out their monkeys to find him, then he is in deep shit and it's not going to end well. And you may well find that you get caught up in it too (the shit, not the drug taking!)

What can you do? Probably very little for him, but you can protect yourself.

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 08:00

I figured it was a coincidence this lad was atnthe same services as us..he was buying food too.

I think you are right. His work mate is a massive coke head. Everybody knows this aswel..there were a couple of clear bags in the rubbish bag out the van. I accused him of doing it and he said it was his work mates. It's hard for me to get solid proof.

He has been great for a week then Sunday night he didn't sleep. When I left the flat Monday morning I went in the drawer to find a pen and noticed there was only £5 left from the £150 he had got out. I then had seen those bags.

What I'm trying to work out is why would he fake a whole trip to another hospital with £20. Why wouldn't he say he needed shopping or something? Its a big lie to tell. Plus the back thing is genuinely true. I'm scared I'm presuming he didn't go. But I have no reason to believe he did.

I am sat here thinking what now. I have the worst feeling and I don't know how to get him to be honest.

OP posts:
Cluedup81 · 30/08/2023 08:58

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 08:00

I figured it was a coincidence this lad was atnthe same services as us..he was buying food too.

I think you are right. His work mate is a massive coke head. Everybody knows this aswel..there were a couple of clear bags in the rubbish bag out the van. I accused him of doing it and he said it was his work mates. It's hard for me to get solid proof.

He has been great for a week then Sunday night he didn't sleep. When I left the flat Monday morning I went in the drawer to find a pen and noticed there was only £5 left from the £150 he had got out. I then had seen those bags.

What I'm trying to work out is why would he fake a whole trip to another hospital with £20. Why wouldn't he say he needed shopping or something? Its a big lie to tell. Plus the back thing is genuinely true. I'm scared I'm presuming he didn't go. But I have no reason to believe he did.

I am sat here thinking what now. I have the worst feeling and I don't know how to get him to be honest.

He’s doing drugs; you need to get away from this fast. It doesn’t get better from here, I’m sorry x

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 09:09

Yes I think deep down I know this is very much the case. I think the hospital visits were faked so he could have money. I cannot believe he's stooped this low if he has.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 30/08/2023 09:26

He's not going to hospital! He wants the money for the so-called taxi to hospital so that he can go and buy more drugs. I would get away from this man as fast as I could. He is dealing with really dangerous people. You will get plenty of middle of the night phone calls for more money, so I think you will need to block him.

DatingDinosaur · 30/08/2023 10:51

His injuries might be real but how is he getting them?

My first thought is drugs running and debt too.

He really is unlucky with the mugging and random blokes asking him about money isn’t he?..

I wish I could remember the name of the film I watched about drug running. What you’re describing is scarily similar.

I don’t think this is about getting him to be honest. I think you need to think about whether you want to continue a relationship with someone who has something to hide. You say you don’t want to be involved in something dodgy and this sounds dodgy as fuck.

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 12:04

Yes it's a horrible place for me to be if that makes sense. He's not budging with it but my guts screaming. Its heartbreaking thinking of the person you love getting hurt or struggling. But it's also hitting me that he's choosing this over me. He's choosing to spend money on things that don't benefit us. I did wonder why last minute this weekend he slept all day and no longer wanted to paint the flat. It's all just weird. He was supposed to be going out to buy us the ingredients for a roast or bolognese Sunday. He went back to bed around lunch time until 6pm. So the shops were closed when he woke up.

I haven't messaged him like I would today. He went on WhatsApp and hasn't messaged me either. So I think we both know what's what. I'm going to see how he speaks to me through today and when it's the right time to talk I will say my reasons for being concerned. I genuinely have no interest in dating someone who has that sort of life style. Its crept up on me. I have very different goals. The next 12 years I'll be raising my children and my goals are family holidays. Family life. Decorating and the chaos that comes with having children. I do not want them around a person who will spend our food shop or rent on drugs. I feel quite down today.

OP posts:
Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 12:10

His injuries are just he has a terrible spine. Years in construction. His backs ruined. He's got various problems. He in genuinely unlucky in that department. I believe the pain has certainly contributed to him smoking alot of weed. I again don't touch anything and he's hidden that well from me as it originally seemed he spent a tenner a week on it. Its all come out gradually since March. I just keep noticing things or he gets dropped in things. He honestly never appeared dodgy when I met him. He's always worked. Always ran his home well and cooked and done his washing and he's very hands on with DIY. He gets on in life. So this side of him is a big shock. I can't describe how I feel lately. Almost frightened he will die or be seriously harmed. That instinct to want him safe and want to run is painful.

I just want to add he's not spending time with my children. I'm.very protective and unless I wanted to live with a man or he had children himself and we could all be together I'd rather not introduce them to my partners.

OP posts:
Cluedup81 · 30/08/2023 12:11

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 12:04

Yes it's a horrible place for me to be if that makes sense. He's not budging with it but my guts screaming. Its heartbreaking thinking of the person you love getting hurt or struggling. But it's also hitting me that he's choosing this over me. He's choosing to spend money on things that don't benefit us. I did wonder why last minute this weekend he slept all day and no longer wanted to paint the flat. It's all just weird. He was supposed to be going out to buy us the ingredients for a roast or bolognese Sunday. He went back to bed around lunch time until 6pm. So the shops were closed when he woke up.

I haven't messaged him like I would today. He went on WhatsApp and hasn't messaged me either. So I think we both know what's what. I'm going to see how he speaks to me through today and when it's the right time to talk I will say my reasons for being concerned. I genuinely have no interest in dating someone who has that sort of life style. Its crept up on me. I have very different goals. The next 12 years I'll be raising my children and my goals are family holidays. Family life. Decorating and the chaos that comes with having children. I do not want them around a person who will spend our food shop or rent on drugs. I feel quite down today.

You need to simply end it, I wouldn’t even get into a lengthy discussion over it. Read up on addiction as there is a very typical pattern of behaviour and it’s important to never underestimate the power addiction has over a person.
Please think very hard about how you want your life to look and that of your children and make sure nothing interferes with that. His addiction will destroy everything, please don’t let it in. It’s a blessing you don’t live together so this should be easier from a practical angle x

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 12:25

@Cluedup81

Yes I've started to see a pattern if I'm honest. I also Can see with chocolate on his face he still didn't steal the cake kinda thing? No evidence ever budges him. So I've accepted there's no sensible honest discussion to be had. He's lying terribly and I've given him so many options to say what's going on. I've even said it won't change my feelings as long as he's honest and I know what's what. If he owned up I would encourage him to get the help he needs but if someone's lying they aren't ready to change.

I just needed to talk it through and really appreciate the kind and honest comments.

OP posts:
Cluedup81 · 30/08/2023 12:31

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 12:25

@Cluedup81

Yes I've started to see a pattern if I'm honest. I also Can see with chocolate on his face he still didn't steal the cake kinda thing? No evidence ever budges him. So I've accepted there's no sensible honest discussion to be had. He's lying terribly and I've given him so many options to say what's going on. I've even said it won't change my feelings as long as he's honest and I know what's what. If he owned up I would encourage him to get the help he needs but if someone's lying they aren't ready to change.

I just needed to talk it through and really appreciate the kind and honest comments.

He will lie, deny, minimise, bargain and do everything possible to throw you off the scent, but you’ve seen enough and your gut is telling you the truth here.
Even if you still have feelings for him and even if he promises you he will get help you need to remove him from your life because it will leave you with a life full of disappointment and heartache and it will impact you and your children deeply. I’m sorry it’s happened this way, it doesn’t make him an evil
person, but it does make him completely unsuitable as a partner. He had to really want to fix this and he may have to hit absolute rock bottom to feel that way and even then, there’s no guarantee of recovery. Put yourself first here x

Sittingheredoingnothing · 30/08/2023 12:44

I could have written this many years ago. My ex was acting shady, disappearing, coming up with so many far fetched stories to get money. He also had an injury and was in a lot of pain, and he was also mugged! I thought i was going mad.
He broke down one day and told me he was addicted to pain killers and that he was going to the doctor's to get help.
It was all a load of rubbish, he was addicted to heroin. I found it in my car. We had a young baby at the time and I went through hell to get away. Thank your lucky stars you don't live with him and leave him to it! My ex is still on the stuff

Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 20:25

Today he said he had 2 prescriptions at boots to collect that the hospital had sent and told me hed collected them. I was relieved as that meant he'd gone. I popped over this evening and went in every cupboard in his flat and every drawer. There's absolutely no sign of any prescriptions. The lies are disgusting now..

I am going to wait until he's paid me back Friday then I'm going to distance myself. It's too much.

OP posts:
Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 20:29

Drugs. Debt. Loan sharks.
Or all of the above.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/08/2023 20:39

@Blueturtle15 I feel somewhat sorry for him if it's chronic pain that's caused the issue- however you really don't want to get yourself messed up around this scene- it's scary and unsafe.

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