Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex not wanting to see our 2 year old

20 replies

Appleturnover2 · 30/08/2023 06:26

Hi MN,

Me and my ex were together 4 years and have a 2 year old daughter. He has a child from previous relationship too. He was very hot and cold towards me during relationship, we argued horrendously and I ended things this July just gone. After I ended things, he assaulted me. The police are dealing with it now and I have applied for a non molestation order. I stopped contact with our daughter for a couple weeks to let the dust settle and then got a mutual friend to reach out to him offering contact with our daughter, without coming to my home. He begged and pleaded to get back together, he only wanted to see our daughter if we could be a family. I obviously refused and I tried to convince him that we are better of co- parenting

Sunday just gone, I had another phone call of him begging me so I made him aware there will be a non molestation order in place soon, where he cannot harass me or come to my home. I told him I wanted him to still see our daughter every week. We ended the phone call on OK terms. Later that day I received a very cold email stating he never wants to see me or our daughter again. He wouldn’t be turning up to family court for the non molestation hearing and wished me all the best! I cannot believe it! He and daughter had a bond, how the hell do these men just walk away? Where do I go from there?!

OP posts:
Reugny · 30/08/2023 06:31

Leave it

He is throwing his toys out of the pram.

At the moment cannot see that you and your child are different people.

He may turn up again in a few years when he realises his daughter is an individual. He may not.

If your daughter asks where her father is say truthfully that you don't know.

Reugny · 30/08/2023 06:31

Forgot to add you cannot force a parent to see their child if they don't want to.

Imogensmumma · 30/08/2023 06:35

I’d respond saying you are going to give him time … till Christmas say, to decide if he wants in or out of his child’s life. If by Christmas he is still on the viewpoint that he never wants to see his child again, he must be sure as he can’t cherry pick when he sees his child… flying in and out of her life as that is very damaging.

Of course if he decides later down the track he wants to see her regularly then you can work out a roster. Don’t allow him to yo yo in and out though that’s not fair for you or your DD

He sounds like an arse

MrsMous · 18/09/2023 20:11

It’s his decision and there is nothing you can do now. Honestly, he doesn’t sound that stable and I would be worried about his involvement with your child. He has been aggressive and assaulted you, I think this is probably for the best.

ConnieTucker · 18/09/2023 20:20

MrsMous · 18/09/2023 20:11

It’s his decision and there is nothing you can do now. Honestly, he doesn’t sound that stable and I would be worried about his involvement with your child. He has been aggressive and assaulted you, I think this is probably for the best.

This. I would be incredibly worried about what he would do to your daughter, as he clearly doesnt give a crap about her.

does he work? Id be wanting to go through cms for payment out of his wage, but as he is a violent selfish wanker, it might be significantly better to move.

Starlightstarbright2 · 18/09/2023 20:20

Just ignore … he is trying to provoke a reaction..

fairyfluf · 18/09/2023 20:32

MrsMous · 18/09/2023 20:11

It’s his decision and there is nothing you can do now. Honestly, he doesn’t sound that stable and I would be worried about his involvement with your child. He has been aggressive and assaulted you, I think this is probably for the best.

I agree. If anything I wouldn't fight it. As long as he doesn't keep chopping and changing.

BCBird · 18/09/2023 20:35

Disgusting behaviour. How does he behave towards his other children? Hope u can find a resolution.

NuffSaidSam · 18/09/2023 20:57

I think him walking out of her life could be the best thing he ever does for her. He doesn't sound like the sort of person who would be a positive influence on a child's life.

VORE · 12/10/2023 12:11

My best childhood friends dad was completely in and out of her life growing up after her parents broke up when she was about 2.

Basically he would see her or have a ‘relationship’ with her whenever he felt like it - then ghost her for months or even years at a time. This would also frequently coincide with him owing her mum maintenance or her chasing him for the money she was owed. Basically he was a completely selfish horrible idiot.

As an adult this has really messed my friend up and she has some serious issues when it comes to trusting men and lots of issues in her relationships - even if the bloke is amazing.

She is now having to have lots of therapy to try and help resolve these issues so that she can behave in a healthy way in a relationship.

She says now that she wishes her dad had just completely left her and never seen her because it was the back and forth/hot and cold that has really messed her up.

I know this doesn’t really answer your question but honestly if this man is just going to be hot and cold with your child depending on his whims or whether or not you and him are in a good place, then just have nothing to do with him. For the sake of your daughter completely remove him from her life rather than putting her through the pain of having him have a relationship with her when he feels like it only to abandon her over and over again.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 12/10/2023 12:15

When you get the non-molestation order, make sure there’s a way indicated for him to request and organize contact with his daughter if he wishes. It would probably involve him writing to your solicitor. Ask your legal representative about this. They’ll know how it works.
He’s likely to calm down and some point, accept the relationship is over and want to see his child, especially if he managed to do this with his older child from a previous relationship.

3peassuit · 12/10/2023 12:15

He assaulted you. I would not want someone capable of that near a child even if he was the father.

WhenRobinsAreNear · 12/10/2023 12:17

Basically he's only interested in your child as a pawn to get you back and control you, not for her benefit. I'd continue with the non molestation order. If he doesn't want to see her then leave him to it. In all honesty as awful as it is it may actually be the best. Can you trust he wouldn't say bad things about you to her and cause more damage in the long run?
Let the dust settle. If he shows a genuinely willingness to work on himself and the relation ship with your daughter then I would start considering supervised visits at first and see how it goes from there.

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 12/10/2023 12:17

And once he has been informed of how he can legally arrange contact with his child without breaking the non-molestation order, then you don’t need to contact him at all from your side. In fact you contacting him would probably be strongly discouraged due to the non-molestation order.

MariaVT65 · 12/10/2023 12:20

3peassuit · 12/10/2023 12:15

He assaulted you. I would not want someone capable of that near a child even if he was the father.

This

Rainbowqueeen · 12/10/2023 12:22

Apply for cms and start building a supportive village for you and DD. You can’t control his behaviour, only yours.

Totally agree he’s a loser but that’s on him

Jewelspun · 12/10/2023 12:24

He walked away from his first child so it's probably even easier walking away from the one he has with you.

Let's hope he doesn't get a third girl pregnant.

He sounds cajoling and manipulative one minute and aggressive and violent the next. You don't want that kind of a man around children, do you?

I would be curious about the first child and see about building a friendly link with that mother so the children have a sibling bond and both of you can be supportive of each other as presumably he treated her badly too.

ParisHi1ton · 12/10/2023 12:31

Every second that violent man isn't around your child you should be happy, not sad.

Yes, he's a shit dad, but unless he was crowned "father of the year" with his first born, you must have had an inkling that would be the case.

Get CMS on the cash for some money (if you haven't already) and other than that be glad this man is out of both of your lives.

Heyyyyhey91 · 21/03/2024 22:49

Regardless of he attends the NMO order or not he will still be served with it by the courts staff.

He has been violent towards you and itsounds like he is using coercive control. Be careful of post sepetation abuse and stay away from him.. you cannot force him to see your child. He will not co parent with you due to the pervious abusive behaviour. You should get a mediator and that's it in order for them to communicate with you.

TheGreatGherkin · 21/03/2024 22:52

This is the best thing for your DD, she is only 2 so will soon forget him.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page