What to do about my partner?

[CleverGoat91]

Hi all, this is my first ever thread or post on here. I signed up this evening because I'm feeling quite anxious about my situation. I live in an area where I have no friends, no support network apart from my social worker and doctor (if you can call them support I guess). I moved here last year with my 3 year old daughter after a year of being in a long distance relationship. So after a year I don't think it's working out or am I being unreasonable. We've had a few arguments in the past which resulted in him getting physical and leaving bruises. I also verbally attacked him so I'm not a saint. After that things were great for 6 or so months but soon he treats me emotionally like rubbish. I'll do the laundry, clean the house, do the dishes and then the breaking point came this evening when he asked me to make him a sandwich for work. I said yes but in my mind I had made up my mind and was sure that this wasn't the life I needed..he's scared my daughter a few times by shouting at me and his MIL and FIL are very toxic blaming me for his ways. Any arguments have happened away from my child or she's been asleep but I know it's still not good enough as they can sense things. FIL and MIL now don't come over and stay at their house on Sundays so my partner can take my daughter to visit them (non-related family as her dad lives in another area - again left him for DV). I feel like there is a pattern repeating itself. Two bad relationships in a row, I'm 32, unemployed and my daughter is at nursery twice a week. He works full time and pays for most of the bills while I look for a part time job. Am I being unreasonable? I still don't think paying for most things give someone the right to treat their loved ones like crap. I feel like I'm going to ring Refuge tomorrow and take my daughter and myself away as I am frightened of even a small mini argument as it will make him physical. I need to know I am not alone and that there have been others like me. And I don't want people saying if I've been in one DV relationship why did I get into another. It's not that simple and both patterns of abuse were very different. Please be mindful.

You're not being unreasonable, you're being abused. Please find a way to leave and keep you and your DD safe. Then get some therapy to prevent you doing this to your DD again.

You are a victim of abuse. It’s not your fault that 2 disgusting men have chosen to take their anger out on you, but you do need to find a way to leave so you and your daughter can be safe.

I know it sounds scary as you don’t have friends or family in the area but there are so many groups of women out there who would welcome you and your daughter.

You mentioned a social worker, if you don’t know where to start could you reach out to them? And they could tell you about the resources available in your local area

Thank you both for your messages. Especially you Drummend01 I really needed to hear that. I'm terrified.

Some people do go from one abusive relationship into another one, this particular scenario is not uncommon. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now. He’s already been physical towards you and abusers often escalate their power and control over their chosen target over time.

It is to your credit that you are planning on calling Refuge tomorrow, do so and plan your exit from this abusive relationship with care. Your safety is of paramount importance, consider calling the police too if you feel unsafe at any point. This is also no life for your child, she cannot afford to grow up seeing her mother being abused. I would also look at enrolling yourself on to the Freedom programme as this could be helpful to you, this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

You poor woman.

Get out of there asap with your child.

He has no business taking your child anywhere.

Please tell them he has assaulted you.

As soon as he leaves for work tomorrow get organised.

I feel very uncomfortable after reading your thread. Please find a way to leave this man for you and your child's safety. Can you move out of the area completely?

Hi all,

Thank you for your support it means a lot. I've only been in this area for 10 months and the previous area for 2 years so I'm not sure what refuge or council housing I will eventually be going to (usually it's refuge then social housing or council housing). My partner's dad said you have to be in a borough or county for 2 years for them to consider you a resident so I'm not sure where I will be placed. I have a sister in the south west with her two children, she is divorced. I could try asking but I'm not sure. I will just have to hope and pray I can find a refuge.

@CleverGoat91 The fact that he pays the bills or that you have verbally attacked him does not give him the right to physically attack you.

Leaving and starting over by yourself with your daughter will be terrifying for a while but if you stay you will be living a life in fear of the next time he decides to get physical with you. And that is no life. It is scary but slowly you will build a life for you both. You will make friends, find a job and little by little you will gain in confidence.

Believe me, you are not alone. There are so many women who have been and are still going through similar situations as you are but there are also so many people out there who can help you.

Good Luck ❤

Could your sister put you up for a bit?

I’m really sorry for what you have gone through OP- and of course it’s not your fault these disgusting men have been violent.
I will say though, you have a child that you are responsible for, and regardless of the violence, to uproot and move for a man you couldn’t possibly know due to long distance is grossly irresponsible. I hope you get help and I hope to god you stay away from men for long enough to establish yourself and know your worth.

I was seeing this person for a year long distance and we spent a lot of time together. You make it sound like I'd chosen him after 5 minutes. I am not grossly irresponsible for putting my daughter above anyone else and giving her the best care any child could have, regardless of being single or not. I want and have always wanted her to have a father as I did not after the age of 8 and it affected me terribly. I understand your concern and yes all parents need to be responsible, but I am not at fault here.

Yanbu you're being very brave and well done for realizing what's going on and that you need to leave and also realising your daughter will be impacted by this. Please call social worker and refuge or women's aid for advice before you tell him you're leaving. After you've left safely you can think about counselling and avoiding patterns like this in the future but just remember that abusers go for lovely people and it's not your fault you've been a victim twice. Good luck. Xx

If you still have connections or a support network where you moved from, or if you have family (if they're supportive), I would look to move back or where they are rather than to be housed in the area you're in.

Can't imagine you have much of a support network where you are if you've only been there a year.

@CleverGoat91 please ignore the odd judgmental idiot on here. I have been in that situation but luckily without children with me as my boys remained with their dad ( crap husband in some ways but a very good dad)

If I could just have moved back after even 3 months I would have, but as you say it's not that simple - please do contact woman's aid and refuge for advice- it was harder for me as I didn't have my sons with me so wasn't counted as priority - and I felt everyone would judge me too ! I've learnt that really doesn't matter.