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Relationships

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Original poster

Controlling vs dodgy texting

27 replies

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 16:42

Hello,
I am looking for some impartial advice, I don’t really have anyone to talk to this about irl. My husband and I have been struggling with our relationship and it’s kind of come to a head recently due to an argument over pizza 😂

sorry it’s a bit long so strap in! For background, we have been together 7 years and have two small children together.
Anyway back to pizza: last week he got very angry/upset at me as I ordered extra toppings on his pizza that he didn’t want. He did not say right away when it arrived that it was wrong but sat and waited for me to enter the room 20 mins later where he had a face on and lost it at me when I asked what was wrong.
I realise that I shouldn’t have taken the initiative, but pretty sure the reaction was uncalled for and therefore a sign of a bigger issue. His gripe is that I control every aspect of his life and he can’t do anything he wants.

The trouble is, I literally do control our lives, as in, I sort out all our financials and life admin, our meal plans, he consults me when he needs to be booking his holidays, when we go out to eat for something that’s a new type of cuisine he will get me to order cos he doesn’t Care to learn what things are.

I assume I am stepping over the mark in areas he wants more input in but it is hard to know where this line is. I probably do make decisions without him without realising because that is what he has deferred to so often.

A separate issue is his texting. He does not sext other women but I find the way he texts inappropriate. He asks them about their sex life, and is overly intimate with language. I have asked him not to when I have seen these messages in the past. Some were quite upsetting. I am not a jealous person, we are open with each other about finding others attractive etc. It does not bother me. I looked in his phone because I was pissed off this weekend and sure enough he is asking his ex (who is still a pal) if she remembers this one photo he had as her contact pic with her boobs out. And he says he should get a new one from her. Yuk. He says this is a joke between friends. He truly thinks this is not a big deal despite me saying it is in the past.

Help what do I do?! This isn’t right, right? I think we need counselling or something. I think I would end things if it weren’t for the children. Appreciate if you’ve stuck with it til the end of the essay 😂

OP posts:

Cluedup81 · 29/08/2023 16:55

Wow, firstly messaging your ex and basically asking for boob pics is pretty grim and disgusting. How old is he for God’s sake?
He sounds quite immature actually and you’ve stepped into the ‘Mother’ role which he will enjoy/benefit from at times and resent at others. It means he’s never responsible and you can cop the blame, which is what has happened with his pizza.
As you’ve become ‘Mum’ in your relationship he’s also not going to see you in a sexual
way, which is why he’s sending crude and inappropriate messages to other women.
The problem is now, you need to untangle yourselves from this dynamic, it can be tricky and you might benefit from some relationship counselling to support.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/08/2023 17:05

Well , that all sounds deeply unattractive.
If you actually want to stay with him, you'll have to stop carrying him. I have to say, if someone had a go at me because I'd ordered additional toppings on their pizza ( which presumably you thought he'd like) that would be the last time I ordered them food at all. I would not do anything at all for them after that, and I wouldn't be asking them what they want, either.
I'm not sure I'd get over the whole texting thing, that is sleazy and disrespectful, both to you and the person he is texting.
If you want to know in your heart that you've been fair, tell him once more that you don't like him doing it and that it is a deal breaker. It's then up to him to change or carry on as he is.

Original poster

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 17:05

@Cluedup81 Thank you for replying, yes I would say he is immature in a lot of ways. Believe it or not we are in our mid to late 30’s. I am embarrassed! Funnily enough he does very much appear to see me in a sexual way still, god knows what that means regarding the mum situation 😂

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 29/08/2023 17:05

I think I would end things if it weren’t for the children

End thing for the children. You are setting the example that it's right to stick with an unhappy relationship. They will follow this example. Do you want that for them?

AmandaHoldensLips · 29/08/2023 17:09

By the sounds of it he's lucky you didn't order his pizza with those special Australian mushrooms that appeared in the news lately.

He sounds grim.

Original poster

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 17:10

@DelphiniumBlue i did think he would like it as I have made it before. He didn’t eat it to spite me which was the worst what a waste of money! I will do this and see how we go, I am not sure I can get over the texting either, I have given the ultimatum before (it has occurred more than once previously)

OP posts:

Kpcs · 29/08/2023 17:14

He lost it with you over something trivial. This is because he knows his behaviour is out of order and needs to find a reason why you deserve it.

Original poster

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 17:15

@Watchkeys thank you for replying. I will consider this seriously. We are often happy on a day to day basis despite how gross it all sounds 🥴

OP posts:

category12 · 29/08/2023 17:18

How is such a man-baby appealing to you?

He doesn't appear to bring anything to the relationship - you do everything and get criticised if you don't mind-read him correctly.

Plus the texting he's doing is sexting if he's asking about sex lives, being over-familiar and asking for inappropriate photos. He's doing it for sexual reasons, not friendship.

Didimum · 29/08/2023 17:28

He sounds like a complete child, and disrespectful and disgusting on top of that. I would not NOT leave because of your children, I WOULD leave because of your children. They deserve better than this and to grow up learning that you don’t treat your spouse like dirt.

category12 · 29/08/2023 17:31

Is the model of relationships you want your children to have - where the woman does all the thinking and takes all the responsibility and the bloke sits on his arse and complains about what she does?

Sulking and refusing to eat his tea like a toddler?

Cluedup81 · 29/08/2023 17:34

Don’t be embarrassed OP, it’s his behaviour, not yours. I’d stop doing things for him, but he won’t like that at first and wonder what’s going on. Worth discussing the sexting as that’s not respectful to anyone and he needs to explain himself there. I’m guessing insecurity/ lacking masculinity and needing validation from others to boost his ego.

ConnieTucker · 29/08/2023 17:36

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 17:10

Edited

If you have given the ultimatum before, then it isnt an ultimatum.

i csnnot see how the relationship with him can be good generally. He sounds like an arsehole. Keeping ex’s within fucking distance and asking for topless photos. Speaking sexually to other women. What’s good?

Original poster

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 17:37

@category12 yeh not super appealing currently. Of course I am listing his worst points.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 17:42

@Cluedup81 yes I think you are right, he seems to need a lot of praise and validation in general from others

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 29/08/2023 17:45

@Whatlik3itshard well his reaction to you ordering the wrong topping on a pizza was a massive over reaction and your reaction to him texting his ex asking for a new picture of her boobs was an under reaction. I’m sorry to say but if he’s texting his ex things like that then they aren’t “just friends”. I wouldn’t leave him over his reaction to the pizza (although I would be making it clear I wouldn’t be tolerating it moving forward) but I would leave him over intimately texting other women. Especially given the fact he’s got the cheek to try and downplay it as banter. Does he ask his male mates for a picture of their dick? 🤔 I agree he sounds very immature.

Thisistyresome · 29/08/2023 17:46

This sounds really odd. Does he have some medical condition? If not (so he can’t recognise and learn how to adapt) I would ask if it is worth sticking with?

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2023 17:47

Male, mid 30s. needs constant praise/attention from women, likes partner to act like a mother. Will sulk and blame at the first opportunity. Free to collect.

Original poster

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 17:52

@thecatinthetwat this has made me laugh! 😂

OP posts:

AntiSocial6DaysAWeek · 29/08/2023 17:57

his reaction to you ordering the wrong topping on a pizza was a massive over reaction and your reaction to him texting his ex asking for a new picture of her boobs was an under reaction

Exactly this.

In what world is him asking her that ok? As for you doing all the day to day organising, nothing is stopping him except his preference that you do it all.

But that aside, would he be ok with you asking your ex for a dick pic? Just as friends of course.

blackbeardsballsack · 29/08/2023 18:01

I can't believe that in your house ordering extra toppings on a takes away pizza is a bigger drama than your DP asking another woman for a picture of her tits.

Original poster

Whatlik3itshard · 29/08/2023 18:09

@blackbeardsballsack well quite, one of us is decidedly more dramatic than the other

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 29/08/2023 18:12

I got to 'he asks other women about their sex lives' and my mouth fell open.

Hell no op.
Fucking chuck the whole man in the bin.
He's disgusting.

Also you can't do absolutely fuck all for yourself and then have the audacity to complain when someone else has to do your share of grown up-ing.

Get rid. Don't raise kids seeing you tolerate this pathetic excuse for a partner. Show them you respect yourself so that they'll do the same.

QueenBitch666 · 29/08/2023 22:21

He's grim
Raise your standards

IamSaved · 30/08/2023 02:20

In regards to the pizza... I mean if you are controlling other aspects of his life, the fact that you chose his pizza for him could've been the straw that broke the camel's back. It wouldn't have been about the pizza, but everything else adding up.

In regards to his texting. I would leave the dirty bastard.

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