Feeling overwhelmed by mum's diagnosis and living conditions

[tokenname]

My DM received a diagnosis of quick spreading cancer several weeks ago, and is now in line to start treatment soon. We are looking at a good few months of various kinds of treatments, before surgery early next year.

For a couple of decades now she has been living alone, struggled from time to time with depression and trauma and I've seen her house deteriorate now to the point where there's a severe mould infestation in every room, it needs a full fumigation and deep clean.

I've tried to help her declutter and clean in bits over the years but she hasn't ever had a good go at it, she accepts gifts of new mop, hoover, painting walls etc somewhat grudgingly but won't do much herself. And now she's ill, and I'm really concerned for her this winter with a lowered immune system from the chemo and how her unhygienic living conditions will likely make her sick in other ways.

I am looking to relocate to be nearer her. Luckily I earn a good salary and have few ties to my current area, so a move to support her through treatment is relatively straightforward on the surface, but I am working through childhood trauma myself and the thought of staying with her for even a night in these conditions throws me into a bit of a panicked state. I've worked hard to give myself a really enjoyable lifestyle, and I guess I'm nervous of being dragged into my mum's depression again like I was as a teenager? This is something to work through in therapy I know.

My question to MN is in practical and emotional terms, what is the best way forward? I'm looking at places in the area to rent, where I can move my mum and her dog out of her current hovel into my place if needs be once her treatment gets going, but the costs for fumigating her house is several thousands (I was hoping to spend this money on my own house deposit next year).

It's all a bit much - moving, saying at least a temporary goodbye to my own dog (not many rentals in the area and those that are available don't allow pets), supporting my mum, the fear of losing her, sorting her house out in time before she feels too unwell to cope with it....argh. Any advice would be much welcomed.

I know you must love your DM very much, but I would seriously question the wisdom of you taking all of this on your shoulders, both financially and emotionally. I know it's hard to detach, but for the sake of your own mental health, you're far better off doing that and supporting your mum in other ways vs relocating, paying for the cost of fumigation etc. She is after all a grown adult herself, and the pain of you getting dragged back into this all is likely to be real if you take this approach. You'll be no good to either of you if you end up with mental health issues yourself as a result of enmeshing yourself back into her life to that degree.

You don't need to stay with her.

If you can afford it, pay for her to stay in a hotel for a few nights so you can get a professional deep cleaning and fumigation service in there so that it's a hygenic place to live.

Can you find her a weekly cleaner who then comes in to stay on top of it all? Can she pay for this out of her money if you organise it?

You are perfectly allowed to hold your boundaries and not stay with her even while otherwise supporting her

Are you sure you need to relocate your whole life? What about carers to support her? It's important you keep your separate life and income

Agree with @TBOMshe should have a cancer specialist nurse who concerns can be raised with re her vulnerability.
Is she going to need carers/hospital? Bring it up prior to hospital discharge.

It’s a long shot, but maybe worth a go.

Have a look on SM for the accounts that focus on deep cleans of homes for people who due to illness (physical, mental, emotional) have been unable to stay on top of things. The ones I’ve seen in the past are mostly American, but I’m sure I’ve heard the odd British accent along the way.

It will taking some sorting through to find one in the right geographical area, but some of these accounts clean for free in exchange for content.

You can’t do all this on your own love. And be careful how much of your own life you lose in order to take care of hers. Which is so easy to say, yet so hard to do.

As someone with elderly parents who need a lot of support, I would say: put on your own oxygen mask before helping somebody else with theirs. Maintain good boundaries; maintain your own sense of self; maintain your own identity.

Definitely look on social media. I live in Greater Manchester - a local firm does rubbish removals and deep cleans.

There is absolutely no need or necessity for you to move. this is your first reaction due to the shock of it all and you need to not make any hasty decisions for a few days at least to let it all sink in. I used to deal with house clearances for people who were hoarders or in this sort of situation. first off you have to get them to accept the help. thats really your key task. write down why you are concerned and what needs to happen, as a script. then go and speak to her. be really clear " mum you cant stay here like this with a reduced immune system we need to clean this up before you live back here again" and whatever she says, just use the broken record technique and keep on saying the same thing over and over and over again. Find her some temporary accommodation nearby that will suit her needs once she starts her treatment, move her in there and pay for her to stay there as this is a better use of your money. then pay for the house to be gutted, cleaned, repainted etc and move her back in. This is good practical help that is more important to her health and well being than you living with her being stressed at how awful the conditions are, missing your dog etc. make a plan in a couple of days like this and stick to it.

Thank you all. I can't afford to rent in my current area and pay for my mum to stay in temporary accommodation. That's why I was OK at the thought of moving near her, or even having her and her dog stay with me for a while, so I'm only paying one lot of rent, but the thought of sorting out her house on top of all that is too much at the moment.

I'll talk to her nurses about her living conditions and look up the deep cleaners on SM.

Please do not subsume your own life like this for her; carer burnout is a real concern here and you need to put on your own oxygen mask before trying to help particularly as you are working through your own childhood trauma. You do not owe her anything and you have your own life to lead, selfish as that sounds.

It would also appear that your mother does not actually want your help or support even now and she may well be both unwilling and unable to actually move out of her home. Also finding a residence that would accept a dog could be a challenge too. I would not relocate either but instead contact her council's adult Social Services department to carry out an assessment of her care needs in respect of her home and carers coming into see her.

You need to talk to her consultant physician as well as the nursing staff about her living conditions.

I would also suggest you post also on the Elderly Parents forum of Mumsnet as you will get good counsel that way too.

Good point about the speaking to her medical team about her living conditions. I doubt she'd ever bring it up - I had to nag her to mention a secondary health issue that's been bothering her.

I think a good compromise for us both is for me to live nearby (I have other family round there too and know the area well) - the cost of renting is about half the price there compared to where I am now, so I won't have the stress of budgeting constantly at least. And I can help my mum out with additional expenses. She's terrified she'll lose her job (zero contract hours) because of feeling ill from chemo. I am trying to find the best solution for us both that will mean minimal stress on all sides.

Hope my ex and my good friend near where I am now will be understanding about dog care, they have been so far 😬

Please, please don't sacrifice yourself for her OP.