I'm very aware in responding to you that my situation isn't yours and that the people are different but I always work on interpreting and responding to patterns of behaviour and that hasn't let me down yet!
I'm also going to give you examples of my experience because then you can see where I'm coming from.
This woman has 'cancelled' people from the friendship group before who don't do as she wishes so I know bf is worried about that. It could happen anytime but bf isnt ready to let this group go yet.
That's hard because it does sound as though you are likely to be ostracised before she reins it in, which is really sad for you and your boyfriend (who I'm guessing was in the group before you came along.) It's also why it's important for him to take the lead in shutting it down. The others will respond better to him doing it than you and it gives you both the best chance of damage limitation within the group.
We've been together 2 years & he was single for many years prior and I think seeing him in a relationship is a huge adjustment.
Yep.
In my case, it was because, before I joined the group (we all did a hobby together too), she considered herself to he the one that 'all the men fancied'. We did actually become friends, and she admitted to me one day that she was jealous of me when i first joined because she thought I'd now be the one that 'all the men fancied'. When he and I got together, that was an affront to her belief and that was the crux of it all.
From the sounds of things you and your partner handled things very well, as best as anyone could. How did things blow up in the end? Are you able to see anyone from that group now socially?
Tbh, I don't think it was handled very well. He avoided and ignored her but didn't actually say anything to her. She was also a strong character and I'm quite quiet and come across as a bit meek. So she confronted me about it one day and I had no choice but to tell her how we both felt whereas I think I was supposed to feel awkward and apologise and smooth things over.
I was as kind as I could be about it but honest and it was obviously humiliating for her. She shouted at me, threw a few insults. Got off the phone with me and immediately messaged him. He didn't reply but forwarded me the message.
It was more of the usual stuff. She'd quoted me directly, apologised unreservedly but in such a way that she obviously expected him to reassure her/be horrified I'd said such things. Eg "Endlessly has told me how awful I've made you feel and you both feel about me. I'm so sorry if I've made you feel uncomfortable etc etc" She was clearly expecting him to say "you haven't made me feel uncomfortable" etc but he didn't.
We continued with the hobby for a few more weeks but she escalated her behaviour. She would stand at the side of the room looking forlorn and refusing to participate, make big dramatic announcements apologising for being quiet and about how sad she was feeling, run out of the room in near tears... all designed to prompt others to follow and comfort her (because it was so unlike her) when she would tell them how awful I (in particular) had been to her. It was important she was seen as the injured party.
Other people had noticed (and commented to me on) her behaviour towards my boyfriend and were taking the piss out of her to him but once she was 'upset', I became the Bad Guy because she'd made out to everyone else that only I had the problem with her (why it's important your boyfriend is seen to be challenging it). I was being unkind to her and turning my boyfriend against her because I was insecure and jealous...
Her intention was clearly to remove me from the hobby/friendship group and, ultimately, it worked because I did leave but she didn't anticipate him leaving with me. Which fucked the hobby up for a while for everyone else doing it. I was held responsible for that too because she'd painted such a vivid picture of victimhood that I had become a master manipulator who had blown the whole thing apart and he was seen as a bit of a fool who couldn't stand up to me. As it was, him leaving was never mentioned and I had no idea he was planning to until he'd told them.
A year in, well we speak to another couple who left at the same time as us because they didn't like her overbearing personality generally and only stayed because of my boyfriend and me. He speaks to one man still who has been his friend for over 30 years but this man doesn't like me and hasn't even acknowledged my presence on the two occasions we've bumped into him - my boyfriend doesn't like that.
Another woman has contacted me to tell me some of her experiences with this woman - along similar lines. We don't see her very often.
Everyone else blocked me on SM and have ignored us both (more me tbf) since.
I still think that if he'd shut it down in the first place by respectfully telling/asking her to stop, it might have peek