Does anyone have their Mum live with them?

[southeastlady]

Does anyone have their own family (husband, kids) and have their elderly mum or mother in law live with them?

How do you find it? Is it a disaster? Pros and cons?

Or should I steer well clear?

I truly can't think of anything worse (re my own mother). I was fond of my late mother-in-law, but living together would also have been too much.
Don't forget that there is a lot of truth in the old phrase "after three days, fish and guests stink"!

Nope not for me. My mum is great but we both totally need our own space. I'm not cut out to be a carer either.

NC, but it is something that we have had enter our minds at different moments. My MIL used to stay over quite a lot to provide regular childcare, but that changed when she moved closer to us. Our households were still quite 'blended' for a while and we had many holidays together, but less so now as we see each other less frequently - no issues, just changing circumstances.

However, what I would say is that things do change and my DH is less tolerant of her now than he used to be. She is a lovely lady but can be very, very passive, which can be infuriating when you are just trying to make something happen.

Yes and it’s a nightmare - don’t do it!!! She is a crazy hoarder though, which doesn’t exactly help.

I'm another one who wouldn't want to live with my own mother. My MIL would be ok though and she's often lived with us for a few weeks/months when she's been between houses.

If you're thinking of taking in your elderly mum/MIL with a view to caring for them in their old age then I'd think very long and hard about the affect it would have on your own family (and your mental health).

I lived with my dd and her family for just over a year due to lockdowns and their needing someone to be with their dd, who was 8ish and, of course, home schooling.

Our relationship changed forever.

If you can avoid it, do. We won't be doing it again.

I was raised to expect the extended family to live together, though mine never did, because of the impact it had on my own grandma when she was the young woman caring for all the sick and elderly who came her way. Positive, helpful hints would be...

Old person does not eat with family, meals are taken separately. (advice from my grandma)
Old person retires to their room at 6pm, every night, regardless. (advice from my grandma)
Old person butts out - not even 'helping' unless directly asked. Took me a while to learn that one.
Old person learns to be blind and deaf. Don't see what they do, don't hear what they say about you. And grows a hide thicker than that of a rhinoceros.

I found having my own bathroom to be a great boon. A kitchenette would be a fabulous addition if you could provide that.

Have done, wouldn't recommend.

My MIL lives with us and it works brilliantly, but we have a brutally honest relationship and we can both (and DH) say "You're annoying me, please stop that" or even "I need some peace, please go away and leave me alone" and nobody takes offence.

My tips for it are - you need to have the space. MIL has a big double bedroom that she uses as a lounge, storage and hobby space and a single size bedroom that she sleeps in (she and late FIL had single beds anyway). It's her space. No-one enters that space without knocking.

We talked and talked and talked and talked about things around the house before she moved in. The big things are the things people always focus on, but that's not what is toxic. It's the tiny little niggly things that can constantly bite at you and cause problems. So you have to discuss everything from buying food, cooking meals, household chores and right down to if the ketchup lives in the cupboard or fridge (and because of a difference in this house one bottle lives in each!).

If you have kids you have to carefully work out how things stay on a level where the children and GP have a GP relationship, rather than them becoming a third parent.

If it works like it does for us it's amazing. It's enhanced all of our lives. But I was brought up by my grandparents so I think that also helps. And MIL is an amazingly kind woman who is like a Mum to me and that also helps. I can see why it could be an utter disaster with the wrong mix of people.

I haven't but lots of family members have/do for cultural reasons. Almost all hate it. The only ones who don't have really big houses/connected houses/self contained annexes.

Don’t do it OP.

we stayed with my parents for 8 weeks whilst our house was being worked on, never again. I have been very clear with them that I will do what needs to be done to support them but they wont ever be living with me. its just too difficult./ they assume the dominant role as if its their household and it just causes no end of tension and friction. spent the same amount of time with the kids at my sisters when we had dry rot and the time flew by and I loved it. but my parents, no way.

My exh says it is what caused the breakup of our marriage. He forgets that he was shagging someone else before it was even discussed!

It has worked well for me as a single
Mum. It's harder now as she is older and has dementia. In another way that makes it easier as she is here and cared for.
Think very carefully.

Don't do it.

I'm kind and caring and moved my ill mother in to be nice.

She was truly vile and ruined my mental health, almost my marriage all in front of our children.

It really depends on how you want to live - separate apartments that are close to each other so definitely different spaces or as a family.

We lived with my mum as a family. Yes there was a period of adjustment like with all new flatmates but you kind of have to figure out what is acceptable to you all. Preferably in advance. We had separate bathrooms. Shared a kitchen and generally ate as family. It wasn’t perfect and sometimes there were arguments but thats expected in any relationship.

My mum died last year unexpectedly and I am so grateful that we did live together. I have no regrets. We’d randomly go for coffee/lunch if it suited schedules. If we hadn’t been living together we wouldn’t have been able to take her to A and E when she needed, similarly if she’d gone off to bed at 6pm we wouldn’t have seen how much she needed medical care at 8pm etc.

Do not have any relative move into your family home. It changes the dynamic of the whole household and not necessarily for the better. There is indeed a lot of truth in the old phrase "after three days, fish and guests stink!"

It can work very well. I grew up in an extended family, my Grandmother and an Uncle lived with us, as did an Aunt and cousin at one point and I absolutely loved it. I intend to do the same in a few years. My Mother and I are extremely close and though we have the occasional squabble. It's soon forgotten. I wouldn't consider it if you don't have a strong relationship but if you do, can respect each other's differences and have enough space it might work.

We thought about this for a while and couldn't find the right place for the right budget. It was disappointing at the time and we opted for DM to move to a flat nearby. I'm so, so glad that she didn't in the end move in with us. It would have been an absolute disaster. A huge amount of my time is spent caring for her and that is a strain but if I weren't able to come home to my own space at the end of the day, I don't think I would be able to handle it. Full disclosure we've always had a tricky relationship and I'm sure it could work for some people I just know it wouldn't have done for us.

We've had another older relative live with us for a long stretch and it was just about ok but still pretty stressful. I very quickly became a carer and DH & I had v little time on our own together or with the DC.

I wouldn't recommend it. MiL lived with us and thought my DH was there as her taxi service. I was her maid, even though I was working full time. She then went to live with her DD and SiL, and after a couple of years the couple divorced and booted her out. Homeless, she had the cheek to think my DH would buy a retirement flat for her.

It is fraught with trouble don't do it.

I have cared for 3 oldies in different ways.
My DM developed dementia and couldn’t wait to get into the residential home. She said it was like a hotel and she wasn’t scared and lonely. We had made sure she had company in her cottage but 5 mins after we left she was panicking as she was alone.
My DDad was already in self contained accommodation with us and was for 17 years ( my parents were divorced). It was a perfect symbiotic relationship, it was so lovely.
During this time we moved widowed MIL to be near us…her house sale fell through the day before completion and she stayed for 18 months. I swore she would not live with us again. Fast forward 15 years and she was coping in her bungalow so we moved her in again. Hand on heart I was worried but it was worth it. She stayed until the end and slipped away as I dozed next to her. She was eternally grateful not to be “put away” in her words. I think her mother’s end haunted her.
So was it worth it to us? Yes. Did it nearly break us? Yes. Would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

But. Everyone is different and you do what is best for you.

WASN'T coping in her bungalow

Well done, @Trumpton. Sounds as if your elderly had some good experiences.

Mum and Dad (PIL) sold their home and built an annex on the side of our house . It was absolutely fantastic. They had their own independent lives but we were able to keep an eye on them and didn't have to spend hours travelling between .. it bought them closer to their GC and to us .

Personally I would do it again in a heartbeat .. they are both dead now but we all cherished the time (7 years) that we had together and now the annex is the home of our DD1 and her partner and baby .. which means I can babysit whenever they need if it fits with our plans .

We expect to do so for both of our moms if our dads pass first. We hope to be able to afford a property that allows for space plus assistance with any senior care. Our dads would be much harder, I don't know what we'll do if either of the moms pass first. I think it is so variable whether it will be a good fit. Personality is so important, the expectations, and most of all, in my opinion, the space. For me I don't think it would work with a regular home set up. What's your situation OP? Pros and cons?

mummymeister · Yesterday 14:58
we stayed with my parents for 8 weeks whilst our house was being worked on, never again. I have been very clear with them that I will do what needs to be done to support them but they wont ever be living with me. its just too difficult./ they assume the dominant role as if its their household and it just causes no end of tension and friction. spent the same amount of time with the kids at my sisters when we had dry rot and the time flew by and I loved it. but my parents, no way.”

Well Tbf, it was their household. Hope you paid your way.

My DGGF lived with his daughter's (my DGM) family for several years until he died and it worked out brilliantly for them. But he didn't need care and he babysat, cooked and did the garden. He was the most gentle and easy going man.

I would have had my DF in a heartbeat and I planned to have a little annex for him. But again we got on very well.

I would never have my DM. Even when visiting she was critical and awkward and expected to be treated like a hotel guest.

I think there needs to be sufficient space for everyone for it to work.