Awkward situation

[Charliescat]

Posting here just as I don’t really know where else to put it . I made a female acquaintance through a hobby last year but she quickly dropped me when another person she already knew appeared . Now she’s in touch as the hobby has started again and wanting to meet up before it . I’ve tried to tell her kindly that I already have other friends through the hobby that I would prefer to go with but she’s not taking the hint saying she doesn’t know anyone . I don’t want to make a drama of it but equally I don’t want to be stuck with someone who’s only wanting my company as they have no other option .

Hi, do you want to meet up beforehand?

No, thanks. I've got other plans. I'll see you there, though!

Say no and shut it down. She can't force you to meet her beforehand.

I already have plans with friends so won't be able to meet up. Maybe see you at the class/event etc. Be vague

Those sound like good responses

I'm curious as to why you find this so difficult? What have you said so far that means she isn't taking the hint? Why hint and not just be direct?

None of the suggestions you've had have been particularly mind blowingly clever! Just honest.

So you don’t want her to join you and the rest of your hobby group friends because she snubbed you once?

Am I misunderstanding this?

Basically she’s known me for over a year but only gets in touch when she’s got no one else to go the hobby with .

So what? Maybe you're her hobby pal? Is there some rule of the group that people can be excluded from social events?

Am I still misunderstanding?

I’m curious too. It seems very basic

Well we could speculate all night as to why that is the case.

Maybe she's a user.

Maybe she has a difficult life and joined the hobby to make friends and doesn't feel comfortable sharing that life with people she doesn't know well yet.

Maybe she lacks confidence and wants to establish friendships but doesn't know if she'd be welcome to contact you or others outside of the hobby.

Maybe the person she already knew felt safer or she didn't want to bother other people.

The bottom line is, it isn't a big deal. She messages to ask if you want to meet before the hobby so you either agree to it, you include her in the pre hobby meet up with the other friends you've made through the hobby or you tell her you already have plans amd can't.

It's really not difficult.

I don't get it either.

There are some people who you only see/speak to in particular contexts - eg a hobby - and when you do see/speak to them in that context, it's great. Perhaps she sees you like that?

Be that as it may, if you don't want that kind of friendship and she's suggesting meeting up and you don't want to, a simple, "Thanks, I can't meet you before but will see you there. x" and you're done.

I also don't see why this is a big deal. Can you not just be magnanimous? What does it cost you? Or just leave it at no if you're simply not keen on her, without getting personally offended.

Oh I can't do that. See you there.

I'd make a comment like: "why, did the person you dropped me for drop out of the hobby?" But I am direct. If someone is rude and using me, I say so. You are encouraging her behaviour by not pointing it out.

The point is the hobby from what you've said? And this kerfuffle is about socialising around it?

You sound resentful of her so just say you'll see here there but have other plans before and after. Did her friend drop out?

Just say that, "I can't meet up beforehand, as I already have plans. But I'll see you there.

Tbh I probably wouldn't even reply to her. She's a user.

Blimey, is it so difficult to understand someone writing here for advice? Why the snipey, horrible responses?

OP just use one of the suggestions added by the more reasonable respondents and don't feel guilty, as I suspect you are. This person is likely a user.

One of the first couple of answers are fine.

It is ok to suit yourself just as she has done.

thank you @MrsColinRobinson I have saw other threads on here where people are snippy but I really didn’t think something so trivial would bring out such nippy responses .

I sometimes think people deliberately like to goad people on here.

Just because you don't see a problem with it, doesn't mean op doesn't.

I also don't particularly enjoy being picked up and dropped when people feel like that.

I do have acquaintances but I don't like someone pretending they are my friend when it suits them.

You have had some good responses earlier on, definitely use one of them. Don't give her any ammo. Just be polite, cordial and distant.

I think some are being "snippy" because your post isn't very clear. Are you saying she used to buddy up with you at the hobby, then one of her friends joined and she started ignoring you? Or that she always buddies up with you at the hobby but doesn't socialise with you outside of it unless her other friend is busy?

I read it as the first version but other posters seem to think it's the second.