20 year relationship, discovered partner looking at other women

[Beca89]

Hello everyone. I've been with my partner 20 years. It's had its ups and downs like all but at the moment we're pretty solid. I borrowed his phone the other day to ring for a takeaway but used the Internet to search up the phone number.i remember doing thus before so went I to search history and found 3 different searches for 3 different x-rated ladies accounts. We have 2 children and I'd say a good sex life. We do the deed twice a week. He works days I work evenings. I just can't get these searches off my head. I know men like to look, all men look. But do I confront him about it or just leave it and put it down to his curiosity?

I think most men do this now because the internet has made it super easy to find this content, so it’s probably not unusual (sadly).
If it’s playing on your mind to this extent then it’s troubling you and can lead to further checking, mistrust and resentment if not acknowledged.
Many men when asked about this get defensive and often deny or minimise so be mindful he’ll likely turn around and say ‘oh it’s nothing!’ or turn it back on you if questioned. However I think it’s important to talk to him if you’re feeling bad about it. The best way to approach it is by calmly telling him you found his search history and then ask him what makes him curious about these women. It’s usually a mixture of curiosity, novelty and fantasy. I think men feel less guilty thinking about these women when they’re having fantasies about stuff they’d be too scared to associate with us. There’s lots of shame and stigma attached, but something most couples have to deal with at times (myself included) x

Do you want to have sex with him, knowing he's been looking at other women? If you don't mind, carry on as you are. Is he just looking, or is he contacting women?

I didn't read any messages or go any further into his phone as I want to respect his privacy. I just saw the links to 'milf loves a**l' 'sexy Sophie and another one. Clicked on the first one and it went to a page with all her links on like Instagram, Snapchat, only fans ect. I've never ever suspected him of cheating. He works and comes straight home. This is why I'm just thinking do I let it slide. We haven't been intimate since I saw these a couple of days ago. I can't giv3 my body to him after seeing the type of woman he was looking at (I've gone from a size 8 20 years ago to a size 18) maybe I'm paranoid? Maybe it's because I'm comparing myself to them? I don't know what it is but it's just hurt to see. And yes I think sitting and taking to him might be best. I don't have a lock or password on my phone, he does.i do trust him, trust him with my life, its just unsettled me a little. I don't have any friends or family to talk to that's why I've come on here. Xxx

Please do take some time to speak to him. If your relationship is otherwise good, then communication around this should help to improve how you are feeling. It’s normal for women to compare themselves, and that’s something that can become quite taxing on us mentally. He likely isn’t comparing you to these women but may need to hear you out and understand how this has made you feel. You’re a couple and so I think it’s important for him to provide you with some reassurance here and just putting it out on the table and in the open can provide you with some relief. I’ve always brought it up with partners in the past (who have always done this to some degree) and I recognise this is likely to come up with any man that I’m with, but I make sure that my feelings are known and boundaries are clear (i.e. watching some porn is fine, but cam girls or Only fans is a ‘no’) it’s up to them then.

Next time he wants to have sex be very honest and say you found his searches and it’s made you very very insecure

thats all you can do
be honest and communicate

Thank you so much for all your help. I'll update when we've spoken xx

Good luck OP! X

Ugh men.

Not minimising this as I would hate this but it sounds like porn links rather than searching up specific women.
with my ex I always found random women was easier to cope with that him being infatuated with someone specific.
speak to him about this though, is porn a deal breaker for you?

You need to tell him it's not acceptable. Have your boundaries x