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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my BF gay/Bi or am I being to paranoid?

8 replies

Yellowboatsandpinkdic · 29/08/2023 12:24

Hi I’m pulling my hair out at the moment about this and I have no one else to go to. Me and my bf have been together 5months (we are both in the military) unfortunately we both suffer from PTSD for different reasons so we have had struggles through out our whole relationship (it’s not been easy) so let me start from the beginning. A few years ago I was in a relationship with a guy and just had this sense/gut feeling he was bi I don’t know why there was all little questionable hints then finally one day I found evidence he was in fact cheating on me with men and he even admitted it, this broke me because I just knew and him and his family made me out to be crazy they all lied so when I eventually found the evidence I was relieved however I don’t think I ever really got over it, it still haunts me today just the fact someone and people can lie and be very malicious. Fast forward to today and I met my new partner. I didn’t know him before but we had a mutual friend in common and she had no doubts about him but I just get this feeling all the time that he is bi or hiding something and I’m terrified it’s happening again. I’m not proud of it but I’ve been through his phone and found apsoloutly nothing even his porn history is relatively straight porn and he has told me early on in relationship he isn’t bi. But there’s just a couple of niggles for example he seems to know a lot of LGTB people (which I know in this day and age is normal) when he’s been drunk on a night out he has once taken a number of a bloke which he says when he’s drunk he’s friendly with everyone and doesn’t even remember it and didn’t think this was a big deal (when he is drunk he is friendly with everyone) I’ve also seen him looking at men, before he met me he was going to go out drinking with this trans women he doesn’t know I saw the messages but he told me he knew her from working. He’s had a couple of serious relationships in the past and one girl I know and didn’t mention anything about it. I don’t know I just get this feeling. We don’t have sex a lot either but I put it down to arguing a lot and he said he struggling with his libido due to he’s mental health. We do also spend all our time together and I don’t worry he’s a cheat I just can’t stand this niggle that I keep getting . He does have family members that are gay and said he doesn’t judge anyone. He just doesn’t seem as interested in me and I feel I make a lot of effort in everything and now my mind is in overdrive. I don’t want to drip feed but there are little niggles I get and gut feelings I can’t shake. I don’t want to loose this guy if it is me as my mental health isn’t great at the moment but at the same time I’m struggling to go on and be happy. I have never seen any real evidence just little questionable niggles. Any advice please help (btw I have no issue with bi people I just wouldn’t want to be with someone it would just be a no from me thanks x

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 29/08/2023 12:29

Sorry but I think this is a lot of work for a 5 month relationship. You are both working through your own mental health struggles right now and maybe it’s best to focus on that?

Sorry I can’t comment on if he is bi or not but I think you are projecting your fears onto him. He may be but he may also not be. As you said, he has a wide group of friends and it’s great, he’s obviously very caring and understanding which is lovely and I would see as a green flag.

You are worrying so much that you’ve invaded his privacy. You have also found nothing to make you worth.mI always at go with your gut instinct but maybe right now isn’t the best time for you to have a relationship.

Yellowboatsandpinkdic · 29/08/2023 12:33

Thanks for commenting and I think you right it would just be a shame to loose something and regret it further down the line but it is draining me

OP posts:
ClaudiaWankleman · 29/08/2023 13:56

His sexuality is a bit of a red herring - you're feeling insecure about whether he is faithful or not and that's the actual issue. Neither of you seem to be particularly in the right headspace at the moment for the relationship. I would call it quits and take the time for yourself.

Yellowboatsandpinkdic · 29/08/2023 14:12

Thank you for your response I know it’s the hard truth we better off apart especially for now

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 29/08/2023 14:13

Didn't read the whole post because you immediately said it's not easy at 5 months.

If it's not easy then it never will be. It's not worth it. Time to move on.

FiddleLeaf · 29/08/2023 14:16

we have had struggles through out our whole relationship (it’s not been easy)

Nothing else matters but this. It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible whether that’s sexuality, paranoia, past trauma etc

Yellowboatsandpinkdic · 29/08/2023 14:27

Admittedly the arguments have mainly been from me having trust issues. But again it’s because I’m not in the right frame of mind for a relationship he’s been so supportive and breaking up would be awful but I just can’t get my head straight!

OP posts:
PansyPolly · 29/08/2023 14:30

Even if he is bisexual, that does not mean he is unfaithful.

However, you may be better being single for a bit.

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