How would you advise this friend who has asked for my advice?

[Pebblepaint]

He married at 20, a woman who almost 40 then. I've only known him for the last 5/6 years, but understand it created quite a stir at the time.

They've been happily married 30 years, he's in his 50s and she's approaching 70.

He's a fit and active 50 something, she has (in his words) become an old lady. He still speaks of her with enormous fondness but he is finding a freedom in middle age (now DC are off their hands and his career has settled into that life where you can earn well without working so hard) and wants to get out and live a bit. She doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere, to the point that she's refused to renew her passport and he sees it as "success" if her persuades her to go for a short walk. He was recently at a party, she refused to come, but also was not happy that he went.

I be clear, I have no designs on him, but he's asked. I've also never seen any signs that he's looking elsewhere or messing her about.

She's fit and well, she could get out more, but doesn't want to. He has tried going off to do things on his own, but she doesn't like that either.

What I've actually said to him is that if you want to fix your marriage, discussing it at length with another woman isn't likely to help, but I'm kind of thinking don't waste these years while you're in your prime. That's probably what I'd be saying if he was a woman.

What I've actually said to him is that if you want to fix your marriage, discussing it at length with another woman isn't likely to help, but I'm kind of thinking don't waste these years while you're in your prime. That's probably what I'd be saying if he was a woman.

Why would that advice change because he is a man?

This is why age gap relationships often don't work. They are fine until one person gets older and wants to, or has to, slow down. I have two friends that married much older men and they have this problem too.

What they have done is work on building friendships with people their own age with similar interests - hiking groups, am dram, gardening clubs, sports, etc. and that fulfills their socialising need. Their time at home with their much loved partner is based more around cooking together, watching tv together, doing the crossword together and pretty much sticking to the older person's routine.

One thing they also acknowledge is that they are likely to become their partner's carer as they age and so will possibly have less freedom. But both the women I know seem resigned to this. It works for them but they had to be proactive and creative to make it work.

They're no longer compatible. He needs to make it clear to her what he wants in his romantic relationship, and find out if she's willing to offer him that. If not, they split up.

It's hard, in his shoes, but from your perspective it isn't. It's a very simple problem with a solution that's emotionally difficult but completely uncomplicated: Make your needs clear, and if it doesn't work, split up.

I be clear, I have no designs on him, but he's asked.

What did he ask?

He's married. He knew the age gap when he got married. If he wants his marriage to be different he needs to work on it with his wife. Has he suggested relationship counselling?

Not sure if she has changed significantly or if there's always been a difference in interests/desired lifestyle but it hasn't really manifested strongly before because they were both too busy with work and children and so mainly stayed close to home (in line with her preference). I've seen more than a few cases where a couple have talked for year about all the exciting things they'll do when they have time and money - but once it becomes possible, one person is raring to go and the other is happier just planning and doesn't really want to travel, move, be active, take chances etc. That can happen even without an age difference.

If he feels she has changed significantly and/or now wants sdifferent things than they planned for in this part of their lives, he should talk with her openly and clearly about it. In a good relationship, there's room for compromise - for example, for him to travel solo or with friends or in an organized group while she stays home for at least some of the trips, or for the two of them to pick locations where she can relax and he can be more active. If she's upset when he does things on his own AND she never wants to accompany him/suggest other things they can do together, that's not really a problem that can be solved to both people's satisfaction. But it's worth his finding out exactly what her issues are - does she really want him to stay home with her all the time, or is it another issue like not liking his friends, not liking his coming home late and waking her up, etc?

Ultimately, they each have to be honest about what they want and decide what compromise is possible and if the relationship is worth that compromise or not. (And, of course, the likelihood is that she will slow down before him, regardless of how much she is willing to compromise, but that's something he always knew.)

I think probably a bit of both. He's always been more of a "doer", but when they were busy with DC and not so comfortably off, there was less opportunity for him to "do". Also when she was left at home with DC she was happier for him to go than when left at home on her own. They had adult DC living with them until quite recently.