What is going on here?

[Pantspangles]

I've been divorced for 7 years. A year after I split from exH I met someone else and we have tried having a relationship a few times but it just doesn't work, down to me not him.

He has a jealous streak (with absolutely no reason I might add) and demands too much of my attention and headspace when we have been in a proper relationship. I have 3 children with my ex (9, 15 and 18) and I work full time, he has older children that have always lived with him and works full time too. I have friends and interests and no desire to make him my everything because he isn't. I have all these other things too. I have said to him that I don't want to be in what he considers a proper relationship with him because it feels stifling. He comes from a very traditional family where the adult relationship is prized above everything else and put on a pedestal, the couple should do everything together and be everything to each other.

BUT he is still the person I go to in a crisis, the only person I can truly be myself with and who I want to do all the fun stuff in life with. He is the fist one I turn to when I have great news to share. I fancy him like crazy too. I'm delighted for him when things go well in his life and want the best for him, offer support and understanding when things don't work out. He is my most significant relationship- noting that I am independent and self sufficient and hate being reliant on anyone else and that includes my v close friends.

We see each other one or two times a month and speak on the phone maybe twice/three times a week. This is enough for me. He would like to see me two/three times a week and speak on the phone every day- preferably live together. I do not want this. At all. He is not pushing for this however as he knows it will make me run for the hills.

I just don't want to be his everything, it's too much. If he wasn't in my life it would be a shame and whilst I would be a bit sad and miss our connection it wouldn't really cause any ripples.

Not really sure what I am posting for. Anyone else had a similar situation? How has it panned out?

I don't really understand how you can say it's not him, it's you and then go on to list all the reasons why it's quite obviously him.

I think I'd be inclined to cut all ties and move on.

If you want a relationship, there are many men who wouldn't expect you to be each other's 'everything' and to sacrifice your life, friendships and independence for them.

No its not you, its him. His behaviour towards you is why this relationship has never got off the ground and it never will either because his behaviour is abusive. There are many red flags re this individual that you can no longer ignore or try to minimise.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Did you meet this man quite soon after leaving your ex H?.

What are your boundaries like in relationships?. They seem far too low and you also come across as quite lonely. Taking on the mantle of being one of life's copers is not easy and you also seem very hard on yourself.

Ask yourself why is he seemingly the only person you go to in a crisis or the only person you can be your true self with?. He does not allow you to be your true self; he wants to control you.

What is going on is that your instinct is protecting you.

I have struggled with appropriate boundary setting, yes. Ex was financially and emotionally abusive. I met current chap a year after we split and there was def some lovebombing going on.

I have not felt lonely during the times we have been apart but do miss the connection because it is so visceral. But I have a full life with my children, work, friends and interests. Since January we have seen each other maybe five or six times, for something either of us has suggested. Eg last weekend there was a food festival locally and it wasn't really something that my female friends would have been into so I mentioned it to him and we had a really nice time. It was great wandering about with someone that I am totally at ease with.

I have just been diagnosed with ADHD and have realised that I mask my quirks a lot with everyone else and have done forever, even my oldest and best friends, but with him I really don't have to. It's like taking a mental sigh of relief to know my weirdness is not being "tolerated", it's actually who I am and he loves it.

Reflecting on this, not having to hide who I am is the thing that makes his company so appealing. Maybe I need to work on a) being me round my friends or b) finding new friends 😂