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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How not to catch his stress

20 replies

BarrelOfOtters · 29/08/2023 08:22

I have a super stressy husband, one of those ones who doesn’t think he’s stressed. Think basil fawlty but less rude.

putting up a curtain rail yesterday was like he was in WW2 operation. getting a loaf of bed out the freezer is a palaver, everything has to be emptied out the drawer and it turns into a rant about how full the freezer is.

then he skips off gaily leaving me jangling.

he’s on edge a lot of the time and says he’s not.

weve had a difficult weekend.

OP posts:
Bumbleby · 29/08/2023 08:54

I feel your pain, hopefully my reply will help bump the thread, as I would be interested for advice for the same issue with my DH. Every activity he needs to do involves huffing & puffing, frustration, anger etc. I have tried to address it and his response it is just his personality and I should like all aspects of his personality. It puts me on edge. What has helped though is him starting sertraline I had to be quite firm and he spoke to a doctor, it helped him realise he had anxiety. It took decades though for him to agree to see a dr. A few days after starting it, I could not believe he was able to assemble a chair with no swearing. Hopefully someone will have some advice better than mine, as I understand how this type of behaviour impacts the atmosphere of the whole household.

BarrelOfOtters · 29/08/2023 10:03

@Bumbleby - thanks and yes, that's exactly it.

I try to stop myself intervening when he's making a meal of a really simple thing...as it just stresses me more.

He's had anxiety and depression in the past, triggered by a previous job and had a bit of a breakdown and too medication which helped. But he has more low level long running anxiety issues that he isn't that keen to address.

It makes him very hard to communicate with.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 29/08/2023 10:16

Can you not say all this huffing and puffing will send you, and me most likely, to an early grace, would it not be a good idea to see if we can get to the bottom of it.

LonginesPrime · 29/08/2023 10:20

My DM is like that - every little thing that other people just deal with and move on from is a huge issue she can't move on from and feels the need to recount it repeatedly to everyone she speaks to until the next one occurs.

She feels that her life is far more stressful than other people's and she can't understand why other people don't have the same difficulties as her with life. She is a very anxious person (always has been) and has accepted in recent years that she's probably got some sort of neurodivergence going on since we've been talking about it more as the younger generations of the family have been diagnosed and supported.

When I was younger, I didn't recognise it as anxiety and grew up calling it what she called it: "the [our surname] effect". Whereas now I know those same issues as anxiety, and not bad luck falling on us that simply doesn't affect other families in the same way.

I have found CBT to be quite helpful for myself with things like catastrophising and overwhelm, and I found learning to recognise unhelpful thought patterns really useful. Some people don't get on with CBT but there are plenty of other styles of therapy/support that can address similar issues,

With my DM, I can just take a break from her when she's getting too much and stressing me out, but with my SEN DC, I have to stick around and support them through it, so dealing with my DC's anxiety is perhaps slightly more similar to the situation with your DH, where you're stuck in the situation in a carer-type role.

Your situation is in the middle of these two situations, though - your DH is an adult who you didn't bring into existence so you don't have to take on the burden of his anxiety as your problem, you don't have to monitor his stress levels and anticipate when things might be getting too much for him or offer to help him and you can choose to just leave him to it and avoid the stress by leaving the room and giving yourself some distance from it. Which is perfectly reasonable for you to do, despite the fact he might prefer you to stay and talk him down. You're not obliged to be his carer and if you do decide to take on that role in his anxiety management, it's absolutely your choice (although I know first-hand that it's easy to fall into that role in a relationship without even realising!).

I would probably talk to him about it, explain how it's affecting you and ask that he seeks some help. And mutually agree a strategy whereby when he gets like that, you will be walking away to manage your own stress levels, so he understands that you're not abandoning him but managing your own MH for the benefit of the household.

Hopefully he will seek out some help (therapy, medication, whatever works for him) and things will start to get easier. And don't underestimate the benefits of basic things like sleep, exercise and healthy diet for anxiety management too - the simple things can sometimes make a huge difference!

DoctorMartin · 29/08/2023 11:05

This sounds very like my husband. I have begged him to go to the doctors for medication for his stress and anxiety but he always blames the thing making him stressed - eg work, poor health, teenage kids, money worries, marital problems, for how he behaves rather than see that if he was on medication he might be able to cope with the slings and arrows of life!

We will soon be at the point when I issue an ultimatum.

thecatinthetwat · 29/08/2023 11:11

Oh gosh op, that sounds very difficult to live with. I have had to really breath and talk myself through when the dc huff and puff as I really struggle with it. But I think I would resent going through that with a grown adult who won’t improve and isn’t doing anything about it.

Isheabastard · 29/08/2023 11:24

My ex was like this. He even did it on DIY jobs in the house that he had chosen to do.

I actually think some of the huffing and puffing was performative. “Look at me and how hard I’m working”. He would actually volunteer to do favours for lots people then moan he didn’t have time for himself. What it actually meant was he couldn’t do his fair share of household chores because he was so busy.

It didn’t help that I suck up other people’s emotions even though I didn’t want to.

The only solution I found was to move to a different room. Or I guess you could try playing him at his own game, and try some theatrical teeth sucking and grunting while hoovering.

BarrelOfOtters · 29/08/2023 11:37

This is all helpful - thank you. I agree that taking myself out of the situation is often the best solution. Dog walk, tea with a friend, bit of gardening....but he does like to involve me.

I watch his dad do this with his mum - she ends up getting dragged into the complete non-drama.

Sometimes I just long for a bloke who'll just get up, get the loaf out of the freezer and sit back down again.

OP posts:
Muphryscrabsticks · 29/08/2023 11:43

Thought experiment- why do you think you get infected by his stress rather than laughing at him (I’m deliberately riffing off your Basil Fawlty comparison)

I had an emotionally incontinent parent and as a result grew up hyper vigilant about everyone’s emotional state and I borrow people’s stress. I’m working on this in therapy now and it’s quite a mindshift to realise that there are other ways of experiencing the world.

LonginesPrime · 29/08/2023 11:51

I watch his dad do this with his mum - she ends up getting dragged into the complete non-drama.

What's incredibly fortunate is that you can see your future (if you let yourself get sucked into his drama) right there.

Fortunately, you have sufficient awareness of the situation and self-awareness of how it's negatively affecting your own stress levels to be able to make an informed decision as to what to do next and what boundaries you want to set for yourself around this.

So if you end up becoming his mother and his de facto carer, at least you're going into that with your eyes wide open.

And if you decide you don't want the life he's expecting you to live (he will naturally assume that his parents' marriage is what relationships look like), then there's no reason to feel guilty. Not everyone is prepared to live with someone like that and only you can decide what you're happy to accept and where you want to draw your boundaries. If he knows how it's affecting you and refuses to make an effort to address it, then that says a lot too.

lastminutewednesday · 29/08/2023 11:54

I hear you. DH is what you might call highly strung. Mostly i find it endearing. I'm very laid back and can just fondly laugh at it, or help him with whatever is bothering him and it's fine. The times it goes awry are if I get stressed about something. That sends him over the edge. I'd started to self regulate a bit and not tell him when I was struggling and that was a bit unhealthy. So now he just has to wear it if I need to vent to him a bit and he gets that.

BarrelOfOtters · 29/08/2023 11:59

Yes, I do take on other people's stress. The majority of people think I'm very laid back as that is the on the surface impression, but it builds up. I know I need to work on my reaction to his stress.

I'm still jangling a bit now...and contemplatively daydreaming about a little house in the country on my own.

It's easier when his (grown up) kids are there as they tend to find it quite funny.

OP posts:
Prelapsarianhag · 29/08/2023 12:09

It's performative shit, that's why they want you watching. Go away as far as you can and put some music on so you can't hear. Some men are such attention seeking drama queens.

BarrelOfOtters · 29/08/2023 13:53

"such attention seeking drama queens" you've met him then?.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 29/08/2023 20:27

The most impact you can have is on your own reaction to him.

I feel your pain as DH does this but keeps it all inside and is 'surprised' when it shows up as chronic indigestion, unreliable guts and occasional emotional explosions always about something so very, very minor that I am blindsided every.single.time.

Do whatever it takes for you to disengage. Sounds as if your DSC have got a handle on it. Headphones work for me very along with some simple breathing / mindfulness techniques to keep myself from getting sucked in. I use bone conducting headphones so I can still here when people talk to me and can have something to tune into otherwise.

Good luck

billy1966 · 29/08/2023 20:55

You don't share children?

Why have you resigned yourself unnecessarily to such stressful misery?

Life is too short.

Start looking for that small home of your own.

EarthSight · 29/08/2023 21:10

He's neurotic, and it's likely that he seems many things as a threat. People like that don't always want to change themselves as they don't see anything majorly wrong with them. They feel like if they deal with the issue, they will somehow miss an important threat and not be able to spot it in time, kind of like wilfully turning your alarm system off.

Some people don't mind living this way I'm afraid. It's all they've ever known and it almost becomes a core part of their identity.

Then there's the flustered narcissist type who enjoys moaning and ranting at how ineffectual other people are, how they must be on guard at all times , otherwise everything will simply crumble to pieces around them. Seeing other people as inferior is an important way for them to bolster their self-esteem and egos, and they are likely not going to change that.

feelingfree17 · 29/08/2023 21:28

Just man babies begging for attention
Ignore

Zanatdy · 29/08/2023 22:44

reminds me of my ex, used to hate him doing anything as he’d get so stressy about it

londonmummy1966 · 29/08/2023 22:53

Walk away every time - if he calls you out on it tell him you can;t stand the embarassement of watching a grown man struggle to take a laof of bread out of the freezer. If he comments further tell him it gives you the ick so it stops you wanting sex- guarantee he will then stop!

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