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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please help me put some boundaries in place with my mother

20 replies

MoonshineandMagic · 28/08/2023 21:43

Since I was a teenager she has always leaned on me and used me as a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on. I’ve heard stuff I really wish I hadn’t, had to referee between her and her abusive husband and she was a definite factor in my marriage breaking down.

She’s had a difficult life but made some bad choices which she never seems to acknowledge, she always plays the victim and everything has to be about her - eg a relative was diagnosed with cancer but on the day we were told she managed to turn the conversation round to a minor ailment of her own.

I’ve had counselling to help me deal with my feelings and I’d got better at mentally blocking her out but lately she’s got worse - always playing the martyr and guilt tripping me about how little I see her (she’s not local thank god so around once a month with a call at least once a week and texts in between) and getting in touch at inappropriate times (eg when I’m at work or away) with her latest drama.

I’m so so tired of it, it affects every aspect of my life because I never know when she’ll pop up and what she’ll want from me this time. I can’t relax and I’ve run out of ideas for how to deal with her. I can’t talk to her and she won’t change so I need to do something different for my own sanity 🙁

OP posts:

Zone2NorthLondon · 28/08/2023 21:52

What boundaries do you want to initiate & maintain
what’s important to you? What are the likely barriers and what will you do when you encounter them?
do you have a confidant or friend to support you? Expect resistance and turmoil from your mother, she’ll probably react badly (seeing it as rejection)

Original poster

MoonshineandMagic · 29/08/2023 06:56

I honestly don’t know, I just need a break from the drama. I’ve suggested she go for counselling to stop me always being the default person she turns to but I’m not sure it will be enough.

OP posts:

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/08/2023 07:00

I understand the history but you will get much better advice if you outline specific things that are an issue now.

What specifically is a problem and how do you want it to change.
I think its also easier if you break it down into small goals /changes.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/08/2023 08:46

you can’t compel her to initiate changes and it’s you seeking change so you need to be the person implementing different responses and behaviour
you start with manageable and realistic changes as they’re more likely to succeed Takes time & effort to change behaviours and give yourself permission to do so
i recommend pick some areas you want to start with Eg communication and get a strategy
essentially thus will be down to you she won’t initiate change for your well-being

Original poster

MoonshineandMagic · 29/08/2023 08:56

Ok fair point. My 2 main issues are communication and over-reaction.

I don’t like the intrusions into my personal life - I’ve asked her not to call me at work so she texts at lunchtime and that stresses me regardless because I then know there’s ‘something’. I told her I was away for the weekend so she was in touch at exactly 6pm on Sunday, almost like clockwork.

I am also tired of everything being turned into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and usually made to be about her.

I do my best to do the right thing as a daughter but it’s never enough - she’d never say it but it’s always inferred and I’m tired of constantly feeling guilty.

OP posts:

Original poster

MoonshineandMagic · 29/08/2023 15:08

Just seen how many similar threads there are about this 🙄🙁

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2023 15:25

Do read and post on the current well we took you to Stately Homes thread.

She is not going to change and she does this because she can and she's learnt that this works for her. Disordered of thinking people act like this and its likely she has some form of untreated, and untreatable, personality disorder. Its not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way; her own parents did that. She's trained and otherwise conditioned you into putting her first with your own needs and wants dead last.

You can only change how you react to her. Drop the rope completely here; you may want to consider having a separate phone number for your mother to dial into. Ignore any calls she makes to your current phone number. She is disrespecting your boundary by texting you when you've asked her not to call you.

Read "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride and deal with your feelings of fear, obligation and guilt (three buttons she herself installed in you) through therapy. There are some good Youtube podcasts on narcissistic mothers from the likes of Dr Ramani. Look also at the Out of the FOG website.

Tonight1 · 29/08/2023 15:34

Here too, you're not alone.

She's currently on block.

WorseDecision · 29/08/2023 15:38

Here too, but with my mother in law!

Currently gone no contact with her, it's been exactly one month and it's been bliss.

BeeCucumber · 29/08/2023 15:43

Block her. It’s the only way to preserve your sanity.

Chris002 · 29/08/2023 15:44

Just interested to know what age she was when she had you?
My mum was a lot like this when I was young - I often felt like she was more like an older sister,she was 20 when I was born and very reliant on her own mum who lived nearby. when my nan died suddenly quite young my dad said mum became depressed and as I got older she used to confide in,me talk to me as she would an adult. I was always the one reassuring her, not the other way round !

MadamePickle · 29/08/2023 16:09

I always have similar anxiety/panicky feelings when I get those texts/calls, so you're not alone.

First off - you don't have to answer them. You don't even have to read them if you don't want. Putting aside the FOG feelings, you've got a choice here. If you do want to answer/read, then it's up to you when and how often. (You can't stop her sending them, but you can control your side of it). I have a next day rule for responding. It gives me time to calm the anxious feelings and decide what I want to say (especially if she wants me to do something - I was trained as a people pleaser so my gut reaction is always to say yes, even to my own detriment. The next day rule gives me the time I need to work out what I want/can actually offer if anything). I also found that when I put this rule in place (I didn't tell her, it's just for me) that she did stop to some extent. It also helps me manage my stress when I get the messages because there's no time pressure. There's very little that needs an immediate response. Another alternative is either to block just during the week, or get a second phone which she has the number for, and leave it at home so you look at it when you want to.

I was parentified as a child (worth reading about if you don't know about it) so it has been really hard to put the boundaries in place. But you're not wrong for wanting to - they should be there.

Tonight1 · 29/08/2023 17:02

It's incredibly difficult to deal with because you feel a duty at the same time.

You have to accept it's not your place to deal with and let go of the guilt. If you want less contact, you want less contact.

Would it work just saying you'll call/visit her once a month then blocking her?

Clingy/selfish mothers who don't want you to get on with your own life seem to be arife

gabagood · 29/08/2023 17:39

Mine is like this. I researched a counsellor and booked on her behalf. I'm now paying £200 a month for her counsellor.

Worth every penny.

Original poster

MoonshineandMagic · 29/08/2023 21:42

@Chris002 she was 29/30 I think so not sure it’s that but it sounds very similar even so 🙄

OP posts:

TheInterceptor · 29/08/2023 21:53

Mine was like this. As a teenager I counselled her through the breakup of her marriage (to my Dad!) then again with her second husband. Then through umpteen life crises, house purchases ... I was her default support for everything. In the end, I decided enough was enough. She'd had my teens, my twenties and thirties, but she wasn't having my forties and beyond. I moved 400 miles away and went very LC. Just the occasional email with pictures of the grandchildren. It's such a relief not to have that level of dependence always there.

category12 · 29/08/2023 22:01

Practically, how about muting her as a contact on your phone during the day? I think you can do it on android and iphones.

Escapingafter50years · 29/08/2023 22:05

Great advice as always from @AttilaTheMeerkat
Your mother is a very damaged woman but isn't prepared to look into her own behaviour or to accept the damage she has done to you. You don't owe her anything in this regard, don't feel guilty, you really need to look after yourself.

I've been where you are, I know the feeling of dreading the phone going, to the point that I changed her ringtone and message notification sound to silent. She expected me to be at her beck and call, and to offload all her upsets onto me, never asking how I was, or my husband and kids, then she'd go off socialising as happy as can be whilst leaving me out and feeling down at her not wanting me.

A couple of years ago she finally stepped so far over the line that the relationship has broken down completely. I've been in therapy since while she whines to her flying monkeys playing the victim to perfection. In that time I have found a huge amount of online resources which have helped me, one of them being the Stately Homes thread Attila mentioned, where I have posted the following links - posting again in case you find them helpful -

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

In Sight - Exposing Narcissism – UK Podcasts

Katie and Helen answer your questions about narcissism, parentification and emotional abuse.

https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Original poster

MoonshineandMagic · 30/08/2023 07:41

Wow thank you so much for that, lots to read and think about.

OP posts:

Verymodestmouse · 30/08/2023 07:52

A couple of practical suggestions:

Set a regular time that you will speak to her and don’t get pulled into text conversations outside of that. If you limit your contact to an hour a week then you can control it more. Pick a time when you’ll feel strong enough to talk.

Dont bother telling her it will be fine or making anything better, just say phrases like “you sound very upset about this” and then put the onus on her to fix it “you’re a very capable person and I’m sure you’ll think of a way to get through it.”

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