Quiet quitting at home to deal with resentment

[Resentful2023]

Posting for perspectives and experience please.

I am feeling very resentful about how much I do at home versus how much my husband does. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and he does lots. I would say he does 50% of the regular, day-to-day, what's in front of us. But all the mental load, the one off stuff, the school stuff, the appointments, the birthdays etc. I pretty much do.

He reckons he can't operate to my standards but his regular approach is leave it till the last minute and wing it which has meant on missing out on stuff when he has done it. Or do something half and not finish the job.

I've realised another thing causing me resentment is that I will try and do more than the basics and he doesn't. So I'll do baking, I'll make us smoothies during the day, I'll cook us nice lunches when we're wfh, etc. He just buys the same old ready made/boring lunches and says he doesn't know how to when I say something more homemade and nutritious would be nice (I didn't know how either until I went and learned by doing!). I think it clicked when we said we'd have a lazy dinner on Sat night, pasta and stir in tomato sauce. He literally made that. I would have chopped some veg for the kids, prepped a simple salad etc. to make it a meal.

I struggle with knowing if I'm a control freak or being taken for a mug.
Anyway to deal with the resentment I've decided to quiet quit. I'm not doing anything above the day to day bare minimum anymore. I don't know if he's even going to notice and that may make me even more mad.

I’m currently not doing DH laundry. Im sick of spending the whole summer holidays (admittedly off work due to being a teacher) entertaining DD, planning, paying for and executing days out, play dates and family meet-ups with all the food organising and cleaning that requires on top of every spare moment cleaning clothes, hanging clothes, folding clothes and putting clothes away.
He won’t notice for a few weeks I imagine but it helps curb my resentment.

I hear you @Hormonehell1 . I took the last 2 weeks as parental leave to help manage the last of the school holidays and he pretty much gave up doing anything, just worked more. I have also stopped putting away his clothes. Mine get left on the bed as it's too hard to put them in my side of the wardrobe apparently. So I'm doing the same.

I think there’s probably a bit of both going on
He’s happy with literally just pasta and sauce. You’d do it with a salad and other stuff, then you’re cross with him for not doing it the way you’d do it.
You choose to make smoothies and do home baking. That’s your choice, lots of people don’t. He presumably wouldn’t complain if you didn’t do that or ask you to do it.

it’s tricky. I’ve got a friend in the same situation as your DH. He feels constantly criticised and like he’s not good enough (although in their case he works full time and she works 2 days a week and kids are in school). She always wants to do everything to the nth degree and just so but he has to be on board with that and do things her way too or she gets annoyed with him. He feels overwhelmed.

Nobody really need home made smoothies and fancy lunches in the working day. Just stop doing all of that and don't let the revetment build. If he's doing what you've agreed in the chore allocation, and not using weaponised incompetence then you can't really dictate bells and whistles must be added.

It's not fancy lunches though, it's just making something simple that isn't the same premade thing we have every week. If you saw my house you'd know my bar is not ridiculously high, it's just not on the ground.
We are caught in a spiral of anything except the day to day basics he never thinks to do and if I ask him to do he never gets it actually done unless I nag and nag. E.g. he'll do lots of Internet research but never book. So I do it.
I think if he would take some of the mental load off I wouldn't care about the little touches. Like this summer I organised the whole holiday, the uniforms, the school books, the camps, the parental leave. He did plenty of 'research' but didn't actually achieve anything. So the pasta tipped me over the edge.
I think I just have to drop to his standard as I'm pretty sure I can't make myself a smoothie and watch his sad face as he asks 'any for me?'.**

Do you both work full time?

@User63847439572 yes. Both full time. My job takes in 50-100% more than his, depending on bonus. But we both work hard so I don't think it's about the money.

No I agree and I wasn’t getting at that. It was more about if one of you worked less hours then I think it’s no unreasonable for that person to do more of the mental load/home admin.

I guess it comes down to whether he has capacity for change or if this is who he is and you’re just different, and whether you can live with that.

@User63847439572 I think that's why I'm trying out this quiet quitting. So rather than doing and being resentful I just don't do it. E.g. I'm 100% not doing a thing for next year's summer holiday. I'm currently planning to go back into the office much more from next month so I get lovely lunches without the resentment.

My DH is very much the same, he will do the bare minimum in all situations.

Dinner would be pasta and a sauce. Cleaning the house would be the dishes. Doing the washing would be putting the machine on but not taking the wet clothes out. He buys a house and expects it to decorate itself and remain in good working order for 20 years with no maintenance. If something breaks, it remains broken. He’s never been to the dump once in our relationship.

I call it laziness. His dad is the same.

Yes, you can. You can simply tell him the truth, that he clearly prefers the basics since that’s what he chooses to prepare when it’s his turn, and so from now on you’re going to make your own additions to your diet in the form of smoothies/veg/salad/exotic lunches and that way you both get what you want. You’re assuming he wants all that stuff, but he clearly isn’t bothered because if he was he’d make the effort.

Please please report back on whether it works or not - as I am considering a similar approach!

I don't know how you quiet quit admin though.

There's some aspects of him that make him sound just like he's a different person to you - he wants to do everything with minimum effort and if he gets minimum output as a result, then he doesn't mind that because he really doesn't want to put any extra effort in.

But all the mental load, the one off stuff, the school stuff, the appointments, the birthdays etc. I pretty much do

This though sounds like it could be one of two things. One the one hand, he could be stepping back from doing these things because you always step in faster than he does, so he never gets used to remembering to things. He's not allowed space to do this and to make mistakes as the beginning.

On the other hand, some of it could be that he used to seeing these menial tasks or admin drudgery as women's work - basically most of everyday parenting is your job as a woman. He knows he can't say that outright as it would spell trouble for him, so he deliberately does certain tasks to the bare minimum, in the hope that it will annoy you enough to stop asking and do absolutely everything. It's called weaponised incompetence.

It doesn't matter that you work full time and maybe earn more than him. Some men will take the money thank you very much, but they still see all this other stuff and parenting as women's work and will not be arsed to do anything properly as a result. It would simply be beneath them to give it a decent effort.

I'd simply tell him that you've decided not to make food for anyone else in the working day - you'll sort you and he can sort him. Tell him that one day's food at the weekend is his job and one is yours - he can cook what he wants so long as he provides at least 5 portions of fruit and veg and 2 portions of protein in the day and no ultra processed foods as they aren't good for DC and then leave him to it. You'll do the same.

Split some of the less regular chores between you - eg you will deal with the optician and the dentist and all the medical stuff (so time off for doctors/A&E trips and paperwork for vaccines) is up to him. You'll deal with all the afterschool activities that take place at school and school trips and he deals with the ones that take place away from school. Once he's dealt with DC being upset because he's dropped the ball he'll up his game.

Tbf, it doesn't sound horrendous. I can just about manage what your husband manages, and I do everything last minute despite attempting to be prepared. Some peoples brains just aren't cut out for it.

Stop shagging him and he’ll soon get the message

😂 😂

OP, to gain some perspective, can you share some of the things about him you love, anything else he contributes with and are grateful for?

I've started to write post it notes of everything that's in my brain and stick them to utility cup boards. It's a) a very visual demonstration of how much goes on b) helps quell my own sense of rising panic c) allows DH to view the cupboard and start taking jobs off me

He's also started adding his own which has, to be fair, opened my eyes to the (small but not none) amount of admin I don't ever have to think about as it's his.

Yup, quiet quitting is the only answer - very freeing!

@FusionChefGeoff that is a brilliant idea, I might steal that!
@Mugworttea he's a super guy and I love lots about him. I want to not feel resentful and for our marriage to stay great. We've been together for so long and have built a great life together.
@CapEBarra that would really upset him I think, I need to think about that a bit.
@fivelilducks it may be his brain and I do wonder that. But mine is running non stop to get ahead of everything and it's very hard.
@EarthSight I think there's truth in what you say about not being able to make mistakes and we're stuck in a vicious circle. I also think he confuses activity with results. He thinks spending lots of time researching a kids birthday is organising their party. When it's actually booking the place, inviting the kids, buying the food, organising party bags. And in that instance I had to step in so there could be a party.
@londonmummy1966 a much more explicit split of jobs could work, I will try that along with the post it's.
Shagging strike is the absolute last resort!

Will your children miss out on all the extras you do for them currently? could you make just enough of smoothies, cakes etc for you and the kids, so that way your kids won't miss out. And if he feels left out maybe it will give him something to think about.

resentment is a sure-fire relationship killer so quiet quitting is the only way to go. As for the essentials such as appointments, holidays etc, I would nag him till he did it. otherwise it's just feeding into his laziness.

I did it many many years ago before we had kids. He didn't really notice so I realised I was doing things for his or our benefit that he didn't really care about and getting annoyed. It was hard to let go of a lot of it as I have a lot of type A tendencies but we get on so much better and I can honestly say there is no resentment. Life is a lot more enjoyable. When something important has been missed or forgotten, I just shrug now. Life is far too short to stress.

I think I would greatly struggle with that shrug @Natty13 . Maybe that's the problem. I don't think it's okay to drop the ball on something important. Because we both work full time we have to be on top of things or it all falls apart very quickly. I do wonder if I'm too much of a control freak about that.

I also don’t do anything that solely benefits my husband because I do the lions share of household and kids care, as well as all my own stuff, so why should I be doing a grown man’s laundry etc too? Dunno if it’s quiet quitting or just small rebellion against the patriarchy.