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Original poster

Child Maintenance

28 replies

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 19:48

I left my ex 2 years ago after his continued angry and abusive behaviour got too much for me and he left the family home. I bought him out and he now has his own place and sees the children EOW, his choice.

The issue I have is maintenance, I earn fairly well and don't need his money to survive but so does he and he thinks he is paying me to look after his children. He turned into a weird MRA when we first split and claimed poverty so he pays nearly £200 less than CMS expects.

So far this year he has been on 2 long haul holidays and has another one booked (without the children obviously), has bought a new car (outright he told me) as well as a sports car, he is always out in very expensive new clothes which he brags about when I pick up the children as well as claiming he has 1000s in savings. I don't care what he does with his money or time this is just for context.

I am trying to break free a bit as he has been very enmeshed with my life still, insisting he comes and fixes things for me etc. whilst I have been grateful I don't need him to do it but wanted to stay on the right side of him for the children.

The other week he bought the children home and shouted at me for ages about something insignificant. I stuck up for myself and have grey rocked him, this has not gone down well.

I did ask him for a contribution to the school uniform costs (nearly £350) which he agreed to but when I text him his half he has gone mad saying how he is so very poor and he hasn't reduced maintenance and that I need to shut the fuck up moaning about money to him.

I guess my question is, should I just go to CMS, this will go down terribly with him or suck up the £200 less and extra costs and just ignore him from now on. I'm at the end of my tether with him, he's just so needlessly mean, I don't know why I expected anything less. I honestly don't know how to coparent with him.

OP posts:
Onceuponaheartache · 28/08/2023 19:56

If he is employed then go through CMS as they can do attachments to earning etc.

If self employed it might be wiser to pick battles as it could backfire as he will just find ways to hide money.

Original poster
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 19:58

He is employed but honestly it would damage any relationship we do have, I don't know if I'm bothered but I do worry for our children.

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 28/08/2023 20:02

CMS 100%

He will get over it and if he doesn’t- so what?!

Danikm151 · 28/08/2023 20:03

Allowing him to send £200 less than CMS indicates is just another form of control he has over you.

Onceuponaheartache · 28/08/2023 20:04

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 19:58

He is employed but honestly it would damage any relationship we do have, I don't know if I'm bothered but I do worry for our children.

That's his problem bot yours my lovely.

That money is for your kids not for you. He has an obligation to provide for them.

He is continuing to abuse you and you need to break the cycle.

Coffeaddict · 28/08/2023 20:06

He'll yeah go to CMS

Insommmmnia · 28/08/2023 20:06

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 19:58

He is employed but honestly it would damage any relationship we do have, I don't know if I'm bothered but I do worry for our children.

He doesn't give a shit about damaging your relationship or treading carefully around you

He is using money to control you. Going via CMS uses a neutral third party so you can interact with him less. In the long term this can be better with a controlling ex

Don't let him steal what your children deserve

Original poster
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 20:17

Insommmmnia · 28/08/2023 20:06

He doesn't give a shit about damaging your relationship or treading carefully around you

He is using money to control you. Going via CMS uses a neutral third party so you can interact with him less. In the long term this can be better with a controlling ex

Don't let him steal what your children deserve

Show quote history

I know you're right and I can see he is using it to control me but he's gaslighting me saying I'm an awful person asking for the legal minimum, I need to just set myself free.

OP posts:
Onceuponaheartache · 28/08/2023 20:19

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 20:17

I know you're right and I can see he is using it to control me but he's gaslighting me saying I'm an awful person asking for the legal minimum, I need to just set myself free.

Show quote history

That's why you go through the cms. Then it isn't you saying he needs to pay more it is them.

He is relying in the fact he can bully and abuse you.

This isn't about you, it is about your children and what they are entitled to. Keep that in your head and fight him.

Bonbon21 · 28/08/2023 20:23

You go through cms and the extra money will help you employ tradesmen as and when you need them, and that will benefit the kids in the long run.
Can you find a way to do handovers away from your home.. in a very public place?
He is not entitled to enter your home.
You have to find a way to enforce that.
You are strong... you have proven that already... hold firm!!

Tired6789 · 28/08/2023 20:27

The legal minimum is already a relatively low percentage I think. He clearly has the money, just choosing not to spend it on his kids.

Insommmmnia · 28/08/2023 20:27

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 20:17

I know you're right and I can see he is using it to control me but he's gaslighting me saying I'm an awful person asking for the legal minimum, I need to just set myself free.

Show quote history

You know what makes an awful person?

The type of parent who deliberately steals money from his children in order to get back at or control their ex

That's a despicable kind of person

ChristmasCrumpet · 28/08/2023 20:30

He's shouting because he knows what you're entitled too, and wants to prevent actually paying it.

If he's a twat though, prepare for him to not see the DC at all. Which will all be wrapped up in how he can't possibly see them because you're so awful to anyone that will listen.

It's not right at all, but the question is, do you want the £200 extra and the DC have very little to do with their father, or do you want him to continue the EOW. I know if I split from DH I'd be glad of 4 days a month break from being mum 24/7. I'd value that higher than £200, especially if I didn't need the money.

FOJN · 28/08/2023 20:34

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 20:17

I know you're right and I can see he is using it to control me but he's gaslighting me saying I'm an awful person asking for the legal minimum, I need to just set myself free.

Show quote history

Yes you do need to set yourself free.

No matter how accomodating you are he will find something to complain about so stop trying to appease him.

Go through CMS, communicate only by the text or email so you have written proof of his behaviour just in case he does escalate, do not tell him about anything which needs repairing, child handover happens on the doorstep, there is no need for this man to enter your home, keep him out.

Keep on grey rocking him for anything unrelated to the children. If he cares about the children then he will cooperate and communicate respectfully with you. If chooses not to behave respectfully then you will know that controlling you is more important to him than his relationship with the children and you should do what you can to protect them from his manipulative behaviour.

Starlightstarbright2 · 28/08/2023 20:44

I would also advise the cms .. I would be clear you are unable to discuss money so for the sake of harmony it will be done through a third party .

This means conversation on money are closed - don’t ask for any extra for uniform . Any whimpers of he can’t pay direct him to cms - any under payment report to cms .

grey rock is perfect…. Eventually he will get bored of not getting a response .

minimal contact - quick breezy handover

Loverofoxbowlakes · 28/08/2023 20:47

Cms. 100%

THEN you will be free of his manipulation and ongoing abuse. It's not bad of you for expecting him to provide the legal minimum contribution for his kids. Your 'relationship' is non-existant anyway at this point, he is trying. To manipulate and control you.

Grey rock, comms in writing (text or email only) about the kids.

Original poster
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 21:22

Tired6789 · 28/08/2023 20:27

The legal minimum is already a relatively low percentage I think. He clearly has the money, just choosing not to spend it on his kids.

He has gone full on father's for justice, thinking I'm spending it all on my nails and booze. Couldn't be further from the truth but let's not let that get in the way of a good 'poor dad' story.

The worst thing is he tells the children that I take all of his money and so they think he is poor and I'm stealing his money. I've talked to them and put them straight in an age appropriate way.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 21:24

Starlightstarbright2 · 28/08/2023 20:44

I would also advise the cms .. I would be clear you are unable to discuss money so for the sake of harmony it will be done through a third party .

This means conversation on money are closed - don’t ask for any extra for uniform . Any whimpers of he can’t pay direct him to cms - any under payment report to cms .

grey rock is perfect…. Eventually he will get bored of not getting a response .

minimal contact - quick breezy handover

This is what I want, I don't want to be asking him for anything and won't be. I just needed a push to actually apply to CMS.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 21:30

ChristmasCrumpet · 28/08/2023 20:30

He's shouting because he knows what you're entitled too, and wants to prevent actually paying it.

If he's a twat though, prepare for him to not see the DC at all. Which will all be wrapped up in how he can't possibly see them because you're so awful to anyone that will listen.

It's not right at all, but the question is, do you want the £200 extra and the DC have very little to do with their father, or do you want him to continue the EOW. I know if I split from DH I'd be glad of 4 days a month break from being mum 24/7. I'd value that higher than £200, especially if I didn't need the money.

Well this is the thing, he goes from 'ill move away and never see the children' to 'ill go for 50/50 if you ever go to CMS'. I don't think I'd care if he didn't see them, they would though and I always want to do the best for them.

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 28/08/2023 21:31

I know you're right and I can see he is using it to control me but he's gaslighting me saying I'm an awful person asking for the legal minimum, I need to just set myself free.

My exH said/did the same. When I went to cms it turns out he was earning a fuck ton more than he'd admitted and was underpaying by about £600 a month for at least 2-3 years.

He now refuses to talk to me and regularly stonewalls the kids. It's awful but they've worked out who he is. They know their worth and have zero respect for him.

Fuck around: Find out.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/08/2023 21:33

Go to cms. He is the kind of person who will always have a problem no matter what you do. Then disentangle him from your life. Be prepared for him to continue to badmouth you and have appropriate responses ready for the DC. Just tell them that the government sets the amount and you are following the government rules.

If he continues to harass you then change your pick up/ drop off routine so he doesn’t haft the opportunity to talk to you. All communication via email

Original poster
QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 21:41

CandyLeBonBon · 28/08/2023 21:31

I know you're right and I can see he is using it to control me but he's gaslighting me saying I'm an awful person asking for the legal minimum, I need to just set myself free.

My exH said/did the same. When I went to cms it turns out he was earning a fuck ton more than he'd admitted and was underpaying by about £600 a month for at least 2-3 years.

He now refuses to talk to me and regularly stonewalls the kids. It's awful but they've worked out who he is. They know their worth and have zero respect for him.

Fuck around: Find out.

This also happened to a friend of mine. Why do they do this? They are depriving their children, not us.

I'm so annoyed he still has this hold over me because of the children, he knows they are everything to me and I'll do anything to protect them and he uses this to cause further hurt.

OP posts:
ChristmasCrumpet · 28/08/2023 21:44

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 28/08/2023 21:30

Well this is the thing, he goes from 'ill move away and never see the children' to 'ill go for 50/50 if you ever go to CMS'. I don't think I'd care if he didn't see them, they would though and I always want to do the best for them.

Show quote history

I can guarantee he won't go for 50/50. The man "copes" with 4 days a month, when he doesn't need to work. You think he's going to actually look after them two weeks straight every month? Doesn't suit his very important man job.

He probably won't move away either. That costs money too. He might just stop having them though, at the audacity of having to support his own children at the minimum amount he's legally obligated too.

You could always get them to facetime him, should that happen. Better than no contact for them, and a lifetime easier for you.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/08/2023 22:03

I'm so annoyed he still has this hold over me because of the children, he knows they are everything to me and I'll do anything to protect them and he uses this to cause further hurt.

@QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat all I can say is eventually you won't give a shit about upsetting the applecart and playing nice. Eventually you think 'fuck this' and do what use necessary because the alternative means that your kids will be worse off.

My ex reduced maintenance payments 3 weeks before Xmas. For our autistic son who was 19. Who cannot work and struggles enormously with life. He said he'd kept going for longer out of a gesture of goodwill because of Covid but now it was time to stop.

3 weeks before Xmas with no warning or conversation. As I said on my previous post I then went to cms and that's when I discovered he was earning masses more than he'd admitted and should've been paying £600 a month more than he had been for at least 2/3 years.

It was at that point the gloves were off. He hates me for going to cms but tough shit. He should've had conversations with me about money when I asked informally.

As I said, they fuck around then they find out.

I know it's hard now, but at some point you'll just think enough is enough. It's a horrible situation to be in. Flowers

Emmadell · 29/10/2023 09:19

I need some advice; I’ve had a horrible custody battle with my ex over our 2 year old. It’s finally over and we have a completely equal split of their care. However I am the parent who looks after her if she’s sick and can’t got to nursery. I also am the parent who has her registered at the GP and the Dentist. Before my ex first took me to
court he took full custody from me and wouldn’t allow me to see her at all for around a month. During this time he claimed for child benefits which was accepted. I paid child maintenance during this time until the court dictated a 50/50 arrangement. I am now refusing to pay as I’m having her more than he is at the moment and I do not see why I should pay £90 a month to someone when I spend more time with my daughter. I’m just meeting dead ends with child maintenance and was wondering if anyone has any advice on what to do or who I could contact Thank you x