Hi all,
Just looking for some advice really!
I have been in toxic relationships my whole life. Met this guy and he basically lovebombed me, treated me better than any other bloke ever has. He has never been in a relationship for more than 6 months. Promised me marriage and a home, everything I've ever dreamed of. Everyone said that i made him into a much better person. I caught him out lying a few times about a number of things. Found he was on only fans, chaturbate, watching trans porn etc etc. He always said I should never take football away from him which I promised I wouldn't. My daughter was calling him her step dad which he said melted his heart but he didn't actually want to be until we were married. He drank a lot and always put booze before me but was never violent or horrible like my previous ex. Fast forward he started getting more and more distant, we didn't see eachother for about a month. We split up a few times but never for more than a day and he kept drawing me back in. We decided we would make a real go of things and sort our relationship out. I then went on holiday with my daughter. He went to a wedding whilst I worked. 2 days after the wedding I wanted to talk about our future. He started telling me he didn't deserve me nd that he couldn't give me what I wanted. I decided to call his bluff and asked him to come over and we would end things. As soon as I looked at him I knew. He tried gas lighting me and saying it was all in my head and I'd never trusted him but he finally admitted he had cheated. I went mad and called his mum. I also contacted the partner of the girl he had cheated with.
A week later we hadn't spoken but he still hadn't taken me off his fb business page. I called him asking him to, and we got talking again. Stupidly I gave him another chance. But 2 days later he decided he didn't love me anymore and couldn't make himself want me. In his words "I love you when I'm with you but when I'm not I forget about you." He also said he had lied to be what I wanted. Also he said he only picked up the phone as he thought it was someone calling off my phone to let him know I had killed myself!! I left, he unfriended me on everything and I blocked him on everything.
So basically what I'm asking is, how do I move forward? It's been 2 months and the thought of being with anyone else makes me feel sick. I'm doing so much better than I was but still feel I will never be able to trust again. I'm in therapy but I feel so disillusioned and part of me still misses what we had at the start even though I know it wasn't real! I'm 30 and I feel too old to start again. I hate dating.
Thank you for reading and I'm really grateful for any advice.