Separation

[IWillBeStrong]

Hi All,
After many years of arguments and getting divorced/separated and then not, he finally said on Friday that we were separating. He is the unhappiest he has ever been. He has given all to the marriage. I will not change. Its all my fault.
I don't feel anything at the moment apart from a huge fear of what happens next. The awful conversations to come where he berates me for all my faults and makes me feel guilty for letting our relationship get to this point after 33 years. How do I get through those conversations - wear my "big girl pants" and sit there. I never know what to say when he starts on one and just stand there and usually say " I don't know what to say" and this infuriates him even more. I do know I have my faults and there are areas of myself I would like to improve but I think now that these areas and my inability to get to grips with improving over the years have added up (he drags everything up when speaking at me). He has just had enough. And if I am honest, I also have had enough but I am very scared of the future and how to handle this. I am scared of telling him just that - words cannot be retracted and I am not yet strong enough to stand up for myself and face objections/negativity to what I feel would be important points to make to him.

He is a very loving generous man and has given me 30 fantastic years with many good memories- we have a wonderful family - all now working or at university. However he is very strong minded and I am the complete opposite. He is always right and I, being a very "nice" person acquiesce to this - I think there has only ever been one situation where I told him he had done the wrong thing , however he didn't actually acknowledge that I was right but did make the wrong good.
There is no other person - that would not even come into his thoughts as he has a very high moral level.. However I have annoyed him just that one bit too far and we are where we are today.
Our relationship has been complicated, a roller coaster of good times and times where I annoyed him and he wouldn't speak with me. However we've always gotten back on track.

In my own opinion we have just grown apart, I am not the woman he wishes to be with now (and perhaps wished I was earlier on in our marriage but kept on hoping I'd change). We are at a stage in our lives where the remaining bit left is less than the bit we've lived so we need to ensure that the rest of our lives are not on this roller coaster but on a calmer stage.
I really need advice on what happens now. How do I deal with the uncomfortable discussions. How do I find courage to speak back. How do I make him listen to me - he won't do counselling - in fact he considers that I should be the one to do counselling which I have but unfortunately didn't keep it up.
I realise my situation is a lot less complicated or hurtful than that of other members who have posted about separation/divorce. But a few words of advice and encouragement would go a long way. Friends & family have their own opinions but these can be very one sided and I am trying to see both sides of this situation in order to be fair to him.
Thank you in advance.

OP, first things first. He doesn't get to berate you and list your faults any more. That may come as a surprise to him.

Second, focus on yourself. What is good about you, what are you good at? Validate yourself, and believe me when I tell you, there's life out there.

Good luck

I found your post very interesting as I came here today looking for similar support- however, I am in the position of your OH, it infuriates me that my OH will not fight for us and just sits there seemingly passively letting me rant on needing change. We have been married 35 years and I feel very unhappy in the relationship and very unloved- everything is more important than me and my needs
so my advice is to ask him why he is so unhappy and how you both can address these issues, I have tried for years to facilitate change without success so am now at the point that action speaks louder than words and am wondering how to vacate the relationship
you could try looking on you tube at Esther perel, she is excellent. Have you thought of going away for a few days space to breathe, then make a plan but if you still love him put up a fight, and tell him you don’t want it to end- good luck

Hi

I'm hardly in a position to give advice but here goes!

Unless you don’t want to separate there is absolutely no need for to listen to him tell you all of the things he considers you’ve done wrong. It won’t change anything so don’t allow him to do this. And honestly in every break up there is wrong in both sides so this really isn’t all on you.

if you want to express how you feel have you considered writing it in a letter? Sometimes it’s hard to find the words when talking but it all comes out on a page.

I think if you know you want to separate then you need to get legal advice and then just take some time to get used to being alone, be kind to yourself, write plans on paper- it doesn’t matter what just plans for your new future.

It would be good if you could do counselling again but not to ‘make yourself better’ for him but for you- to understand your needs & emotions.

It will be ok, it might take time but it.

wishing you luck xx

Thank you for all your supportive comments - it was good to get both sides looked at.